Merry Christmas each and everyone!

HO HO HO!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

Have a great day. Whatever you are doing.

Disaster! But I got my money back...

My writing this month has been a total disaster! It's pretty obvious to anyone who reads my attempts at poetry that I clearly don't have the talent for it. But that hasn't stopped me from keep trying all month long. I've attempted to do Red October as an epic poem. It started quite well but I got stuck where I always get stuck. Trying to move Jodie Summers from one location to the next.

Any kind of movement is proving tough to write in verse. I probably should do more reading. But I can't be bothered. Which is why I fail so much. I'm too lazy. I need to get my arse into gear in the new year and do more reading. I have loads of books that I haven't read yet. Many of them I purchased quite recently. I spent another £42 on Amazon on buying improving lyrics/song-writing because I thought I wanted to do a musical. I had lots of great fantasies about it (and still do). I still have the load of poetry books that I brought that I still haven't go around to reading not mention plays as well which I half-started.

I'll keep plugging at it for sure. I don't intend to give up just yet. There's nothing else I want to write at the moment. I have thought about going back to comics and had some interesting fantasies about them but they burn out after a few hours and I back to thinking about being a poet. I'll have to try harder at poetry than at any other medium. It's bloody tough. I can't do this half-arsed like I usually do. I need to really put the effort in. That in itself is hard too. I've become so lazy that it going to take a miracle for me to snap out of it. But I have to force myself. Another year is nearly over and I only finished two plays. A total disaster.

I honestly thought 2008 would be MY YEAR. But it hasn't turned out to be that way. I was plagued by indecisiveness and poor concentration. I'm still indecisive but the concentration has got slightly better although I can't write poetry for more than an hour. So it's slipping again. The only person who can get me famous/successful is ME! I have to try much, much, much harder next year and throughout the remainder of this year. Time is running out for me. I can start by doing more reading. I need to set aside specific times for reading. And STICK TO IT!!!

I got my money back which was stolen from me. It turned out to be more than I thought. They nicked £630 from me through card skimming. I've spent most of that now. Unfortunately. I've down to a mere £472. It'll probably to continue to get lower. I fear I may run out of money sometime next year if I don't cut back on my spending habits. I became ill on Thursday with a sickness bug. I felt terrible. But it's cleared now just in time for christmas.

HO HO HO!!

I've been robbed!!

Some bastards have cleared my account out. They've nicked £450. I'm left with nothing. I'm flat broke. I can't afford food or cigarettes or anything. They did it by card skimming. The bastards. I had no idea until it was too late. That just one of the many things that have gone wrong for me. I can't seem to write poetry. I just suck so much. Everything I write is total crap. I tried going back to comics but couldn't focus or concentrate properly. I don't fancy writing another play though.

I really, really, want to write poetry but I just lack the necessary talent. I seem to be completely talentless at everything. I'm terrible at art, science, math, writing, sport, computers, business, languages etc. There's nothing I seem to be good at. At all. I am devoid of all forms of talent. I'm never going to get anywhere. Ever. Everything always goes wrong.

All I have left is my faith in God. I know he'll help me through this. If only I were a better christian. I always blaspheme, and lie. I'm selfish and greedy too. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to live. But I have no method available to kill myself. I'm trapped in this dead end life forever.

Please kill me. Somebody. Anybody. Kill me.

Trying to write poetry

I've spent this last week or so since finishing my play trying to write poetry. But I suck at it. I've been doing some reading too. But nothing really makes sense. I just can't seem to grasp meter. I sent off my Fade To Black play to the Bush Theatre. I also sent off some old poems I found to Agenda magazine. They'll both be rejected. Both are shit. I've been trying to write Public Enemy as an epic narrative poem. But I keep fucking it up. It seems to crap and poor. I've got some rhyming in it but I'm being worked into a corner because of it. I need to do more reading.

I might just do single poems instead for the time being and leave the epic poem until I've had some stuff published and gained more confidence. Which means it'll never be written. I could always do it as another play but I really fancy poetry. Even though I suck. I have no talent. It's pretty obvious if you read any of my work. I understand metaphor, smilie, imagery etc but it's just meter I can't get my head round. I've been reading several different books and I still don't get it.

I was thinking of trying to write to a set rhythm to see if that worked. If I can get some sort of musical beat to it when read and avoid rhyme where possible I should be OK. Shouldn't I? I don't know. I'll have to try and report back.

Fade To Black Play Finished!!

I finished something!

YAY! YEAH! WOOHOO!!

More later.

It's 85 pages long. My longest play I have ever written. Although, it is only my third.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

It's been a few days. I can't be bothered to update very day. I don't have much to say. I've had good writing sessions this week. I managed 6 pages each on Saturday and Sunday. I didn't write Monday as I got stuck and couldn't think of the solution to the scene I was trying to write. But I worked it out and Tuesday I managed an amazing 10 pages! It was incredible! Wednesday didn't go so well. I managed 5 pages. But I wrote an awkward scene that I'm thinking of deleting. The dialogue for it is terrible. The character I added were awful too. So I'll most likely end up removing that odd page. It really brings the play down. Tonight I managed another incredible session with 9 pages written. My Fade To Black play is now at 70 pages. I think I might manage 90 at this rate! It would be my longest ever play! Admittedly, I've only written 2 others. But they were 55 pages and 60 pages respectably.

My sleep has been generally good too. I couldn't sleep Tuesday so I had to take another sleeping pill. But it didn't stop me from writing (thankfully). I've been spending money again after visiting Amazon. I brought Sieben; a triple CD album by Agonoize. That should arrive tomorrow. I also brought Marlowe: The complete plays. I also got The Complete Dramatic works of Samuel Beckett, and the collected poems of William Wordsworth. That was on Friday night. Then last night I brought two Tech N9ne albums. £8 and £9 each. They are; Ever-ready, and Killer. I quite pleased. It's been a good week with the odd exception.

My Social Work Gavin came again today. It was a bit awkward at first. I was meant to do some homework by listing 5 problems and coming up with a solution for them. But I couldn't be bothered to do it. But he kept asking me why. So I sat in silence for ten minutes looking at the floor. But I warmed up and it went OK from that point onwards.

That's it really. Nothing more for me to say.

Goodbye.

Come again soon.

An update

I haven't posted for a few days. I just couldn't be bothered. But things are going well. I've had good sleeps and good writing sessions since my last post. I also have a new social worker called Gavin Palmer. He's a little direct. He wants me to have a more fulfilling life than I have now. Which I suppose is a good thing. But I guess I like my life. It's not perfect. I hardly ever go outside. I don't have any friends. Never had a girlfriend. But I do enjoy myself. Admittedly, I get depressed at times. And wish I was dead. But that only happens when my writing goes bad. I'm still hoping that my writing pays off and success and fortune comes my way. Then maybe I'll consider going out more etc.

I feel everything that normal people have will follow once I get successful. That's how I envision it in my head. Gavin's a nice bloke. But I worry about the what he'll try and get me to do. I don't know if I even want to go out. Not at the moment. I'm quite contended. I know he can't force me. So I am always in control. But I succumb to nagging. If he nags me enough then I will probably do what he wants. And that scares me. I suffer from anxiety alot. So it's going to be tough going from now. I just hope I can pull through.

As I mentioned, Fade To Black play is going quite well. I'm up to 33 pages. I'm worried about the dialogue. It seems a bit weak. I don't know if it fits Jodie's character or not. I do struggle with dialogue. I should probably read that book I brought on it. But I haven't as of yet. I don't know if it's going to be performed/published or not. I hope it is. The year is nearly at an end and I have only finished 1 play which was Killing In The Name. That got rejected because it was crap. I'm still worried someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I need desperately to get something else finished and hopefully published or performed. But I don't know if Fade To Black is the one to make it happen. I enjoy writing it and everything but I'm worried it's crap. I fear it is crap. Am I a terrible writer? Am I a hack? Will I ever get published? Successful?

My whole life depends on it. I can't stand this lack of success anymore. I WANT TO BE PUBLISHED!!

Good, Bad, Good

I managed 5 pages on Saturday. So that was good. But I had a poor sleep. So that was bad. I had a good sleep sunday. So that was good. But I didn't write much due to being distracted by the formula one racing. So that was bad. I had a good sleep monday and a good writing session. So I'm pleased. I've had a good sleep today too. So I just hope my writing goes well.

More later.

Everything came together

Everything came together today. I had an excellent sleep. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play. It's going well so far I think. But I don't really know what's good or bad. My books arrived. And so did my X20 box set. I've been listening to the remix CD so far. And I absolutely love it. Some top class tracks. I can't wait to listen to the rest. I'm really getting into Suicide Commando. 

I managed 3 pages yesterday of my play. It went rather good too. I felt quite proud of myself. My sleep wasn't good but it was manageable. I might not smoke when I first wake up as that ruins my sleep. I didn't today and I slept till 11:30 am. Which was brilliant! I just hope it can continue. I just hope I can finish my play. I had some doubt yesterday about it. I had a reoccurrence of the comic fantasy and I was tempted to write that today but it's gone now. I think play writing is for me. I would love to do poetry too. But I don't know whether I have the talent for it. It'll be really, really hard. If I can get Fade To Black published then it should give me a much needed confidence boast to tackle poetry. I can't yet as I am desperate to get something finished and published. Poetry would be too hard to do now. And I'm running out of time. Someone could still steal Jodie Summers.

Please, God. Let something go right for me.

Thank you.

It's hard being talentless

I didn't write yesterday. I was going to do the comic but I got put off. I just couldn't do it. I became horribly depressed and felt like crying. I couldn't decide anymore what type of writer I wanted to be. I didn't know what medium to do. So I spent the night thinking about it and I realized that I wanted to be a playwright and poet. Even though I suck at poetry. I wanted to write, and enjoy it. I wanted to immerse myself in it. Which meant only one thing. I needed to spend more money that I didn't have. Sigh.

I went to Amazon and I searched for classic poetry works. And I brought; Divine Comedy, Beowulf, William Blake collection and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I wanted to buy alot more than that but it would have cost too much. The total was £40. I just hope they can prove useful. The journalist books that I brought were a complete waste of money. £46 gone down the drain. I didn't need them. It was a silly idea. But there's nothing I can do about it. Sigh.

I didn't have a particularly great sleep today. I thought things would go wrong. I knew that my old routine would work for 2 days then go wrong. And I was proven right. It took me till nearly 6 am to fall asleep. I woke up at 8:15 am. I smoked two cigarettes, and took me another couple of hours to fall asleep again. I eventually slept till 5 p.m which I guess makes up for the times it took to fall asleep in the first place. I was worried though my writing would go wrong. I haven't written well in the past 3 days. I would be doing the Fade To Black play. I attempted it before but it has always gone wrong. But thankfully tonight it went OK. I managed 6 pages of it. I would have liked to done more. But I probably won't until I take the Valproate Semi-Sodium increase which won't be for another few days.

I just hope I can finish this play soon and get it sent off. Then pray for it to be accepted. I need it badly. My life is falling apart before my very eyes. I need some luck for once. It's hard being talentless.

Terrible writing

I only managed 2 pages. My heart really wasn't in it. I don't know what I'm going to do. 

:-(

I took this little test. Now I'm depressed.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Things get a bit better

I only managed 1 page of the screenplay last night. I just wasn't into it. But today I had an pretty amazing sleep. So things appear to be getting better but I won't jump the gun until I write tonight to see how many pages I do. I hope can get back to normal. I went back to my old routine last night. Smoking before bed and eating at 3:14 am. It worked. I slept well. So maybe I'll continue until things go wrong again.

The post for today

My mood stabilizers (Valproate Semi-Sodium) have been increased to 750 mg. I am delighted. Maybe I'll be able to concentrate for longer periods. Maybe even sleep better (But I doubt it.) They're been good so far but I always thought that I needed more of them. The recommended dosage is 1000 to 2000 mg a day. So I'm miles away from that. But with any luck they'll continue to help me control my mood swings and help me concentrate better allowing me to write better. But I won't know until I take the increased dosage which won't be for a few days yet.

My Suicide Commando 2 CD Anthology came today. It's brilliant! I love it to bits! Some top tracks of there and I would recommend it to anyone reading. (Which isn't many) My favourites include; Desire, Hell-raiser, Better off Dead. I've been listening to it all day from 9:30 am. I can't wait for the X20 box set to arrive. That'll be amazing too! Then there's Christmas which I'll get more of their albums. I'll be checking Itunes to see what other Industrial bands are available for me to listen to and buy. Although I probably won't be to spend too much anymore. I've been SPENDING again.

I had this idea for a journalist type fiction book. A story told through fictional news reports and feature articles etc. It seemed good last night. So I went to Amazon looking for books on writing non-fiction, journalism etc and I ended up spending £46! I brought two very expensive books but highly professional ones though. They were £20.99 and £21.99. I got; Introduction to Journalism, and Writing Feature Articles. I hope they're good after costing that much. I hope to read them throughly before I start writing. I usually skim through books like this. Then I write what I think the book is telling me and it always goes wrong. So I really have to sit down and read through it.

Sleep disaster!

I haven't slept much today. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know what went wrong. I had to take another sleeping pill at 10 am to fall asleep. I only managed 5 and half hours. This new 'pattern' of mine isn't working. I may go back to my old routine to see if that works. My sleeping is so messed up at the moment since I got that throat infection. I don't know what I'm going to do if that doesn't work. I'll have to maybe get some new sleeping pills. If there are any new ones other than Zolpidem. I like sleeping. It makes me happy. I like the weird dreams I have. They make me happy. I can't keep taking two sleeping pills a day!

Fingers crossed for tonight.

Went back to the comic

I decided to go back to the Fade To Black comic. I managed 8 pages. But that was mostly cuttin' and pastin' stuff from the screenplay. I think it's crap though. I've gone off comics again. Stupid me. I can't stop fantasizing about writing them and when I do I end up going off them for a few days then it repeats. I am truly messed up. Stupid crappy brain. Still though, 8 pages is 8 pages. Regardless of whether I'll be proceeding with the comic or not. It was a welcome break from the screenplay. Even though I won't be writing tomorrow night due to it being the start of the Sabbath.

I've been spending money again. I brought X20 4 CD box set from Suicide Commando. As well as their 2 disc anthology. It cost me £29 in total. Although the box set was RRP £34.99 and the anthology was RRP £12.99. I had the money saved up as left overs from cigarettes and shopping. So it's not like I went too crazy. Although the same thing happened again. I went to Amazon and ended up spending a load of money. I hadn't been for a while. I was trying to save some money. But the moment the page loads up I knew I had to spend, spend, spend. I learned of Suicide Commando from Itunes. I listened to their Axis Of Evil album which I'll be getting for christmas. And I just fell in love with it. So I knew I had to buy something of theirs as soon as possible. I really couldn't wait 2 months for it.

My sleep has been better. I repeated the routine from yesterday; not smoking before bed, having less to eat, and having it sooner. And it seems to be working. I also smoke 2 cigarettes when I wake up no matter how desperate I am for more. Although, my cat Steel went missing for 30 minutes this morning. We just couldn't seem to get him in. We were having a new fence put in and we were worried the noise would scare him. So we wanted Steel inside while they were doing it. But he turned up just gone 9:20 am and I had to smoke 2 more cigarettes to calm myself down. I managed to sleep pretty good after that.

That's my boring day. And that's my boring post for tonight.

Rough few days

I've had a rough few days. I didn't write Sunday. I was put off by my thoughts. I had roughs sleeps as well so that didn't help. I managed 2 pages Monday and 4 pages Tuesday. But my sleep was terrible. Thankfully I've tried to do something different and it seems to work. I didn't smoke before I went to bed. And I had something to eat a little earlier. And that worked today. So I'm happy. My cough has progressed to getting worse. I really ought to quit smoking. But I can't imagine myself without a cigarette. Terrible I know.

The screenplay is now up to 64 pages. But it's going slow. I keep imaging doing other things. Comics, novels, plays etc. My mind is constantly coming up with new ideas that end up putting me off the screenplay. That happened Sunday. I came up with the idea of doing a children's book starring my old teddy bear D.K. Jr. It annoys me. I need to finish something. Something with Jodie Summers in it before someone steals her name. But all I can think about is doing Prodigy. Or doing something other than the screenplay. It's driving me crazy!!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY TWISTED MIND!?

I suck so bad. I really want to finish something this year other than my crappy play Killing In The Name. I've really failed this year. 2008 has been utterly terrible in terms of writing. I just couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to write. And I still can't. It would be foolish to give up on the screenplay now though. I've got so far through it. It's pretty decent I think. Probably not good enough to be published. But I think I could get some decent feedback (if any).

I just hope I can put these thoughts to one side and finish the screenplay. Otherwise I'll be back to square one again.

Sigh.

Having second thoughts

I'm having seconds thoughts about quitting smoking. I've been reading up about it on the internet and it seems a pretty difficult thing to do. I'm not much for difficult things. I always do them half-arsed. I'm worried about the withdrawal symptoms and everything. Now that my infection has mostly cleared up I'm back to normal. My smoking doesn't hurt anymore. I don't cough that often. I still have a stuffy nose but it's manageable. My parents still think I'm going to quit. I should probably tell them about my second thoughts. See what they say. They'll probably be annoyed with me. I do sort-of want to quit. Mostly for money reasons now. I'm down to just £563. I need to save some cash. Desperately.

I managed to save 6 cigarettes by not smoking thursday night. I usually have 8. But I only smoked 2. But then I went and ruined it by smoking 6 friday night. Saving only 2 this time. I am trying to cut down. But it's hard. I get bored easily and end up smoking. Particularly in the afternoon. I was asleep mostly today so I didn't smoke that much. I hope to try and repeat thursday night. And only smoke 2 cigarettes instead of 8. But we'll see.

I had second thoughts about the screenplay today as well. I wrote 5 pages of the comic instead. Although re-reading the screenplay it seems good again. I'm so messed up. I doubt I'll ever finish anything else this year. This was supposed to be MY YEAR. But it's gone so horribly wrong. I keep going off the comic and then going back to it. I still like the idea of it. Even if I find it quite difficult and painful to write. It was OK today. Since I mostly cut and paste stuff from the screenplay and edited it to fit the comic. 

I do like comics. It's just I find them a bit awkward. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I didn't use to. When I first started trying to write comics in January 2007. I really enjoyed them. But since then. It's all gone wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't appear to be doing anything wrong. It's all in the mind I guess.

Throat infection... Might quit smoking

I've got a throat infection. I was coughing badly all day yesterday. I also gained a headache, sore throat, fever and a stuffy nose. It was horrible. I thought I had throat cancer or something. I was getting quite worried. It had cleared up a bit now but the cough is still there. And I'm worried my smoking is making it worse. The doctor said it should clear up by itself. But if it doesn't I'll need some antibiotics. I couldn't sleep at all last night as I was coughing so bad. I didn't dare smoke for fear of making it worse.

This has really frightened me. I see it as a warning of things to come if I continue smoking. So I've decided to try and give up. Or at least cut down on the amount I smoke to just a few a day. It'll be hard. Everyone has told me that. And I need a lot of will power to succeed. But my dad managed to give up smoking and my sister too. So I hope I can do it as well. I don't like coughing. It annoys me. It hurts too. I don't mind the occasional one or two. But the way I've been doing it you'd think I'd been smoking for fifty years! (2 and half actually).

The problem would be finding what to replace it with. I smoke at set times throughout the day. And it'll be hard to break the habit. I fear I won't succeed. Or I'll do what I am currently doing right now; Being half-arsed about it. I do enjoy smoking don't get me wrong. I love it. Or at least I think I do. It does bring me some joy. And it helps ease my anger and calms me down when I'm high. But I don't want to be those types of people that can't stop coughing. I dread that. So I have no other choice. I could save £200 a month too. Which would really help me out as my money is getting low again.

I'll wait for this information pack from the NHS to arrive and take things from there. Despite my illness I managed 4 pages yesterday and 4 pages today. Which isn't bad considering how ill I was. So I should be pleased. It's starting to come along nicely. I just hope I can finish it. And get it published! I AM SO DESPERATE!!

Fingers crossed.

Things have gone better.... (Thankfully)

Since my last post things have gone better. I have had good sleeps, and managed to get my writing back on track. I tried doing the Fade To Black comic on Monday and managed 6 pages of it. But it was mostly copying and pasting stuff from the screenplay. I was having some good fantasies about comics and they featured in my dreams. I'm easily swayed by things like that. But after doing it I knew that it wasn't for me. Although, I would still like to write one someday just now at this present time. I find them too awkward. And hard. I feel so frustrated having to break every movement into separate panels. It annoys me. Not to mention it takes me ages to write one.

I stuck with the screenplay yesterday. And managed 4 pages. I brought the total up to 48 pages. It wasn't as much as I would have liked but it was one better than Sunday. I just wish I could write more though. It could take me months to finish. If I ever finish at all. I was a bit distracted by my fantasies again yesterday admittedly. I hope to do more tonight though. Hopefully. I just don't know with me. I'll need to find more time to write. A increased dosage of my mood stabilizers pills would be helpful. But I don't know when that will happen. I'm supposed to be on a starting dose. So I assume the doctor will increase them at some point. Hopefully soon. I really need them. I couldn't have got this far without them.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I know something will go wrong again.

I was right...

Things went wrong. I didn't write Friday night due to it being the Sabbath start. So it was a welcome break. Then it all went horribly wrong Saturday. I woke up at 9:30 am with tightness in my chest. I decided to smoke. And drank a load of coke. In a matter of minutes I was being sick in the bin. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. 

I tried writing at 8:30 p.m. as normal but I was distracted by my thoughts. I just couldn't do it. I feared this would happen. The problems I had before I had these mood stabilizers returned. I was feeling pretty bad. The day had been utterly terrible. I knew this would happen. I knew this good spell would come to an end. Things never last with me. Something always goes wrong in the end. I just never have any good luck.

Sunday (Today) was better though. I slept till 12 p.m. then again till 4:30 p.m. And I managed to write 3 pages. The total page count is now 44 pages. I almost gave up on the screenplay again! I was thinking of doing it as a comic. I had some good thoughts about it. But When I tried to write it. I just couldn't be bothered. So I went back to the screenplay. I think it's really good. It seems OK to me. It looks nice on the screen. But that means nothing.

I do like it alot. I can't seem to do comics anymore. I've lost the nack for them. I would like to write a comic. I think it could be really good. I visualize it in my head well. But whenever I try to write them. It just doesn't seem that good. I don't know what it is about them. They are a bit awkward to do. I prefer when things flow from one paragraph to another. So I'll stick with the screenplay and (hopefully) I'll get it finished soon.

I did have thoughts of doing it as a radio drama which helped put me off yesterday. But I just don't think it will work when thinking about it logically. But it was a nice thought. I just hope Saturday was a one-off and things will go smoothly from now on.

But I doubt it.

Major headache

I have a major headache. It feels like someone is drilling inside my head. It didn't stop me sleeping though. I thought it might. But I had 12 hours sleep. Which is my personal best for many weeks. It also didn't stop me writing. I rewrote 8 pages yesterday and 6 today. The total page count has extended to 33 pages. So I've added 2 new pages each day with every rewrite. Not bad, eh? It's going rather well. If I do say so myself. I'm worried though something will go wrong. It always does with me. Nothing EVER goes right.

I'm worried I won't sleep or write tomorrow. I'm worried I'll give up on my novel-cum-screenplay or it won't be published. Something. I still have a long way to go before it's finished so plenty can go wrong in that time. I hope not. I feel better since I got these mood stabilizers. I haven't had hardly any 'high' periods. Although I do miss them. They were great. I felt so alive! But they kept me up all night and ruined my sleep pattern. Although it's already pretty messed up anyway. But a good sleep is a good sleep despite my thumping headache. I hope this good spell can continue.

But it won't. I just know it.

7 pages done

I managed to rewrite 7 pages tonight. Not as good as the 9 yesterday. But it's the best I've done nearly all year. I was more anxious and nervous than usual. I don't know why. I feel it's pretty decent so far. But I'm still unsure if it'll be published. I'm doing well. I've extended the overall total to 27 pages. Which is good. I may actually finish it. I may actually finish something with Jodie in it. It'll be a first. I just hope this good writing spell can continue.

Fingers crossed.

Going well...

Today went well. I think I rewrote 9 of the 23 pages. I managed to concentrate for 40 minutes. I could have gone on longer but I wanted to smoke. I'm quite pleased with what I've written so far. I think it MIGHT just be publishable. But I guess I'll see when it's all finished. I wrote in more detail. Using more powerful verbs to describe things. Like any good writer will tell you. I'm happy.

The only downside I didn't sleep well. I slept till 9:30 am then couldn't sleep until gone 11 am and managed to doze off till 3 pm. Not what I'm used too. I thought my sleep pattern had returned too, or starting too return to normal. But that wasn't the case today. So that's my disappointment. Other than my usual thing of not reading the bible long enough. I'll probably do it next Friday evening AFTER I've taken my mood stabilizer. I seem to concentrate better after I've taken it.

It was the Sabbath today. Friday sunset to Saturday Sunset. That's what I read on some christian site I go to. That's the REAL SABBATH the way God intended. But I won't get into any detail about that since I'm quite stupid. And I'm not good at explaining things properly when it comes to matters like that.

I just hope this good spell can continue long enough for me to finish the Fade To Black screenplay.

They might be working

I think these mood stabilizers are working. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play last night. It wasn't particularly awe inspiring. But my mind didn't wander at all. I was completely focused. No fantasies or other thoughts getting in my way. It was like heaven. I've been waiting for that for months, and months on end. WHY DIDN'T I GET THEM SOONER?

I have no idea. But I am thankful I have them now. I've abandoned the play and radio play and the comic and guess what? That's right. I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore. But I'm going back to the screenplay version. I am quite confident about it. I didn't write in enough detail the first time round. I will strip the poetic descriptions from it and re-write all 23 pages from scratch. It'll take me a while. But if I can concentrate as well as I think then it should be a breeze.

But we'll see.

Got some mood stabilizers

My hospital appointment today went quite well. I had a nice doctor and he didn't ask too many complicated questions (I'm stupid) and I could understand him clearly and everything. I wrote down some stuff about how I was feeling and he seemed to pay attention. So it went quite well. He prescribed me some mood stabilizers to help control my manic episodes. I seemed to be on record now as being bipolar which I am thankful about. I've finally been recognized.

The medication is Depakote (valproate semi-sodium) I'm on a starting dose of 500 mg but he hopes to increase it over the next few weeks/months. I just hope it freaking works! I don't know whether or not it'll help with my concentration or not. So I'll have to see how it works out. I had a terrible writing session yesterday I could barely write 1 word. I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept wandering to other things. It was fucking awful. I don't want a repeat of that anymore otherwise I'll get NOTHING finished EVER!

I managed 1 page of my radio drama today. At around 10 am. I couldn't really do anymore as I couldn't concentrate properly. Besides, I was nervous about my hospital appointment and how it would pan out. As it happened, it went well. But I didn't know that at the time. My sleep has been really awful lately too. I think it's because I went to bed at gone 5 am last Wednesday night and it's mucked up my sleeping pattern. I had good sleeps Thursday, friday but not Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was OK but it was a bit awkward to begin with. Today's was flat out terrible. I woke up at 8 am and didn't sleep again until 11 am. I only slept till 1 p.m. I hope it was just because I was nervous. I don't want a repeat of that.

I'm not sure if I want to do the radio drama anymore. I don't think it's working as well as I hoped. I struggled a bit today with it. I might do a mixture of plays snippets and poetry. I had an idea about it last night. It seemed good in my fantasies. I'll see how it goes over the next few days. There's the possibility I'll go back to the comic too. But I'll just have to see how my concentration and everything pans out.

I've done OK with this post. I managed to write it without losing my focus. If that's a sign of things to come then I can't wait!

YAY!

Complete disaster!

My plan to make the novel-cum-screenplay into a poetic, arty, surreal masterpiece has backfired on me. I tried making it poetic but it just sounds silly. I couldn't do it. It seems so utterly crap now. I abandon it for definitely now. It just so stupid and crap. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? I've ruined it and now the memory of it has been tainted forever. I doubt whether it would have been published anyway. It was pretty awful to begin with.

I've gone back to the radio version of it. I like the idea I have for it. I made a few brief changes to it and while it's not genius. It's alright, I guess. Publishable? I doubt it. But I don't have much choice left. I HAVE to do and finish something with Jodie in it. Before someone steals her name. I did attempt a page of the comic but I find it to be utter shit. As always. I just can't do comics. They never seem right. They look odd. If only I could draw...

But I can't. So it's not worth worrying about. The radio play seems OK. I'll see how it goes. I'll probably go back to the comic since something will go wrong with the radio drama. I just know it. I'm only on page 3 of the radio play. So there's plenty that could go wrong with it. I only made some brief alterations tonight. Which I feel disappointed about. I should have done more. I may attempt some more tonight. My fantasies are getting in the way and I can't focus or concentrate properly.

I just hope I can finish something. Time is running out. A book or whatever could appear in the next few months with a character called Jodie Summers. I don't want to lose that name. I can't imagine her being called anything else. I guess it's my own fault. I've had the Jodie Summers character in my head since 2005. So I've had plenty of time to finish something with her in it but I always failed. Time after time. 2008 has been no different. There's something about Jodie that makes me fail with her. I managed to finish two crappy plays with my other character Prodigy even though they were both rejected. But I doubt anyone will steal 'Prodigy' and call a character that. It's so different and odd. But you never know.

But my primary focus is on Jodie. But I'll fail. As usual.

Went horribly wrong...

Everything has gone horribly wrong. As always. I grew bored of the novel-cum-screenplay and abandoned it. I didn't write for a few days. Then yesterday I attempted to do it as a radio drama. But that went wrong too. So I've decided to go back to the screenplay and make it as surreal, poetic, arty and absurd as possible. It'll probably go wrong. But I'm running out of options. The year is nearly at an end. And I've only finished 1 crappy play.

I really want to finish something. But my mind is fucked up. I keep giving up on things when I feel they're not going well. And nothing really goes well with me. So it means I give up on EVERYTHING I write. 

I hate myself and want to die. 

I did manage to bring Fade To Black up to 23 pages. But I'm miles away from finishing. Especially if I keep giving up on it. And only writing 2 pages a day. My concentration is terrible. I need some ritalin or something. I do have a hospital appointment on Wednesday 1st October. So I hope to bring it up. Knowing my luck, the doctor won't listen to me as usual and give me nothing. And I will have to continue to struggle through life.

I so badly want to die.

If only I was talented. That would be awesome! But I'm not. And there's no way of making it happen. You're either born with it or not. And I wasn't. My money is still VERY low. I haven't brought anything lately except cigarettes and food. But they're still expensive. I'm down to £515. It just keeps getting lower! I'll run out of money by the end of the year if things keep like this. That's why I need to finish something and get it published!! FAST!!

But it seems so unlikely at the moment. I'm feeling terrible. I've become so lazy, and inactive. All I do is listen to music and have fantasies of being rich, famous and successful. It drives me crazy sometimes because it's NEVER going to happen. Not the way things are going at the moment anyway.

I wish I was dead.

Now at 21 pages

I only wrote 1 page on Friday. But two today. I hope to do another two. The total is 21 at the moment. I could have written that in a day in 2005. I've been distracted by my fantasies again. I stayed up to 5 am last night listening to Alice In Chains. My Music Bank box set arrived yesterday. I love it. I've listened to each of the 3 discs only once. But I was obsessing too much over Facelift. And Badmotorfinger. I've been listening to We Die Young all last night. I've played it nearly 400 times. It's my favourite Alice In Chains song.

My money's getting low. I'm down to just £528. I keep spending, that's the problem!! I'll need to watch my money until I can build it up again. I shouldn't need to buy anything else. But with me you never know. I see something on Amazon and I just have to buy it no matter the cost. ARGHH!!!

I hope I can finish Fade To Black. I'm becoming very paranoid that someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I can't imagine her being called anything else. I need to finish something with her in it and get it published. And FAST!! Jodie's a great name. It's my favourite girl's name. I got a google search to this site for the name Jodie Summers. Which has me concerned that, like I said, someone will steal it.

I really hope Fade To Black gets published. Not just for that. But because I'm getting desperate to get famous. Even if it's just a little bit. It'll help boost my confidence and hopefully I'll be able to stick at things longer, and write more in a day.

But I won't know until it happens. Fingers crossed.

P.S DON'T STEAL JODIE SUMMERS!!!

Going very slowly...

I did another 2 pages tonight bringing the total to 14 pages. It's going to take me forever to finish it. I used to write 20 pages a day back in 2005. And I could finish an average screenplay in about a week. Now, 3 years on... I can barely do more than 2 pages in a day. It's utterly terribly how far I have sunk in these 3 years.

I blame Novels. That's where all my problems started. And comics. They didn't help either. I can barely keep my focus. I keep getting distracted by my thoughts. My mind is racing with ideas for everything BUT the thing I'm writing at the time. It's madness!!

My CD's arrived today. Badmotorfinger by Soundgarden and Facelift by Alice In Chains are my favourite two that I got. I'm not so keen on Superunknown. It has some good tracks on it but toward the end it sounded a bit odd. But I was in the bath when I was listening to it and wasn't really paying attention. So maybe I'll have to go back and re-listen to it. Alice in Chains Dirt album has become my all time favourite now beating previous champion Nevermind by Nirvana. That's been bumped to second.

Getting back to the point. I really need something to help me concentrate. I figure I could be ADD or something. I need some freaking Ritalin. My hospital appointment that was due for 11th September was cancelled for some unknown reason. I really needed to go. I can't continue like this. It's driving me mental. I hope another one comes soon.

The Second Report

I managed 2 more pages tonight. It's coming along slowly. But I think I COULD finish it. I say 'could' because I'm not entirely sure. I didn't write anything during the day like I hoped as I was feeling too tired. But maybe tomorrow I can add a few more pages to it. I like what I've written so far. I'm trying to make it quite surreal like The Last Words Of Dutch Schultz. It's not 'arty' although I have no idea what I mean. It's not poetic. Yet. But maybe at the end I can make the descriptive passages rhyme.

So far. So good.

Spent some more money again

I was browsing Amazon and I came across Soundgarden's two masterpiece albums (Superunknown, Badmotorfinger) and I listened to the previews on Itunes. And I knew I had to buy them on CD. £5 each. Not bad. But of course I didn't stop there. I really, really love Alice In Chains so I purchased their debut album Face Lift. £3. Not bad either. It came to £15 in total which is quite reasonable for 3 classic rock albums.

I knew the moment I went to Amazon I would end up buying some stuff. But I really love music. It's my life. I listen to it 15 hours a day plus. So I guess I can justify it by saying that I'll be almost certainly listening to it on an obsessive basis. So it's worth it I guess.

Fade To Black Report

I wrote 4 pages of Fade To Black novel-cum-screenplay last night around 10pm. I started off by trying to get it to rhyme but ended up abandoning it after two paragraphs. I will maybe go back after it's finish and add the necessary poetry to it. It's not very arty. I haven't a clue how to make it so. I have no idea what I'm talking about when I say 'arty.'

Here's a brief scene.

EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN.

A gigantic, crimson, cargo ship bobs through the delinquent Atlantic Ocean. Its fog horn sounds out into the weary, pitch-black, foggy sky. The plundering rain isn't shy about pummeling the surrounding area with seething droplets of clear water.

An airliner swoops over head. A human-shaped package drops down. An union-Jack parachute opens. The human shaped figure sinks down to the ship.

LESNAR (OFF)
You've been called into action.

JODIE SUMMERS (OFF)
What's the purpose?

LESNAR (OFF)
I can't give details here. It's highly classified. We will drop you over the Atlantic Ocean. The purpose of the mission will be revealed there.

JODIE SUMMERS (OFF)
Understood.

There's some rhyme to it. But not enough to satisfy me. I will, like I said, go back at the end once it's all finished and add the rhyme. If I finish it at all. I kinda like what I've written so far. I added another two pages around 5pm today. Brining the total to six. I hope to write again tonight and maybe add another 2-5 pages.

I've started well. Not perfect. But a good start. I will continue to edit, modify and rewrite the parts as I see fit. So hopefully, fingers crossed, I can write something that publishable. Providing of course; I FINISH IT!!

That's the big problem I face. I get bored and distracted easily by other ideas. My bipolar doesn't help since that fuels my creativity and idea generation. If things continue to go well. And I feel that Fade To Black is alright then I should more-or-less finish it. But if I think the quality drops or don't think I've written it correctly then I tend to give up on it and move onto something else. Repeat.

The Last Words Of Dutch Schultz

I have very much enjoyed this book. I found highly entertaining and quirky. I hope to start my own closet screenplay sometime tonight. I am going to do Fade To Black. I have definably decided on that. I hope to mold genres into a spy type narrative all written in a poetic/arty screenplay format.

I know I say that. But I don't know for sure if it's going to work. I won't know until I try so I'll post about how it went. I've been having lots of fantasies about it today. I imagine it to be hugely popular and start a sort of literature revolution. It sounds silly, but I was really involved in it. I hope I can write good. I know I can. I just haven't been living up to my standards that I know I am capable of. I seem to start well then descend into utter crap. This has to be different. This screenplay may be my only chance of getting published this year. Or even finishing something this year other than my Killing In The Name play.

The arty thing is going to be difficult. I will try to inject some quirky/bizarre scenes into it like William Borroughs did with The Last Words. I will also make the dialogue and descriptions poetic as I can. And sort of a mixture of long and short jagged sentences. That hopefully rhyme. I will have The Last words by my side as I write and try to borrow as much as I can from it without ripping it off.

Please. Please, God. Make it work for me.

Amazon is highly addictive!

Every time I go to Amazon UK I end up buying a few things. I say to myself "It's only £10. I can afford it." And so I add it to my basket. Then it comes up other recommendations. And I see something else I like. So I add that to my basket. And then repeated over and I end up spending £30 + pounds on books, CDS etc.

I have loads of books that I haven't read. Yet. I keep buying more and more and more. I can't help myself. I feel that life isn't worth living unless I have that item. It's crazy! Consumerism gone mad! It doesn't help that I am bipolar. As during mood swings I get the urge to buy stuff and spend some money after fantasizing about various stuff that I might need at a later date.

That's how I ended up with my iMac. I love it to bits. But I decided in Feb 07 that I needed a new computer. Even though I didn't really. But I couldn't help myself. I felt I couldn't live without an iMac. So I splashed out £1200 on it. I didn't really need to. But I did anyway. And that's how I ended getting so low on cash. That and buying other stuff that I don't really need.

ARGHHHH!

Sophocles website has gone!

I've just noticed that the Sophocles.net website has disappeared. I don't know what happened. I tried searching the web but nobody else seems to know either. I hope the company hasn't folded. I hated Final Draft and all the other screenwriting programs. Sophocles is the BEST! I hope it comes back soon.

Please come back!

Killing In The Name Rejected

My short detective play Killing In The Name was rejected. I received an email from the 503 Theatre stating that they weren't interested in taking it further. I received it back but didn't get any feedback about why they rejected it. I was kind of hoping they would provide something but nevermind.

Here's the email I received;

To Ian,
Thanks for sending your play through to us at Theatre503.

The piece has now been looked at by a number of people on our reading panel and it has been decided that this is not a project that we wish to pursue at the theatre.

We wish you all the best with the piece. It will be posted back to you in the next few days.

Yours Sincerely,

Steve Harper (Literary Co-Ordinator)

That leaves me with NOTHING to hold out for. KITN was my only hope of success this year. It's the only thing I've managed to finish. 2008 is proving to worse than last year. I had two comics completed by this time. Even though they were utter shit. I had at least completed two things. I've only completed a short play so far. And it doesn't look like I'll be completing anything else either.

I keep changing my mind about what I want to write. I move from Comics, Plays, Novels, Radio and game books. I just can't focus! I can't stick at anything! It's driving me crazy!! How am I supposed to get published if I don't finish anything? I won't. That's the simple answer. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I admit that Killing In The Name was a shitty play. I kept re-reading it over the course of these past few months since I sent it off and I realized how crap it is. I knew it would get rejected so it came really as no surprise. But I was holding out for it. A little piece of me wanted it to succeed because as the way things have gone this it; it was my only hope of success. But that's been well and truly dashed.

I hope I can do this arty/poetic closet screenplay thing. I'm concerned it'll be crap. It won't get published. Or worse yet, I give up on it before it's finished.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I used to be able to finish stuff. When I used to write screenplays between 2001-2005. I wrote for 8 hours a day. Doing 40 odd pages. I finished quite a few but they're all crap. I came close with Fade To Black. (The old version) I was told by PFD agency that he didn't feel enough to take me on. But said it was very good. That was back in September 2005. I then went on to novels. For some reason. I was terrible at novels. That's when my problems started. If I would have stuck with screenplays I might have sold something.

I was getting better all the time. But I had a desire to write novels and moved onto them till 2007 when I went onto comics. Which I also failed at. Then onto plays. Which I enjoy and came close with with Killing Jake. If only I could go back in time and tell myself not to bother with comics and novels and stick with Plays and Screenplays I could've got somewhere.

Or maybe not. I guess I'll never know for sure.

Writing a closet screenplay

I've been reading The Last Word of Dutch Schultz By William S. Burroughs. It's a literary book written in the form of a screenplay. I am thinking of writing one of my own. It's really inspired me to do something like it. I hope I can get it published THEN turned into a film. I was thinking of doing Messiah or Fade To Black. The plays weren't going well. I tried Fade To Black but couldn't get the dialogue right. I've been doing Messiah off and on. It's turned out OK but it would be better suited as an arty screenplay.

Which is what I was thinking of doing. I like the idea of doing an arty/poetic type closet screenplay. That really appeals to me. I'll be hopefully starting it within the next few days as I am going through a maniac episode at the moment and my mind is racing with thoughts and fantasies about it and I just can't concentrate at the moment to sit down longer enough to write it.

I have started to get into Alice In Chains. I brought their Dirt album and loved it. It's so amazing! I've been listening to it non-stop for the past few days. I decided to buy their Music Bank Box Set. It cost me £21. Which isn't bad. 

In the meantime I took a little test to see how tortured I was. And I came out pretty high which didn't surprise me at all. I am really tortured in my twisted, idiotic head.

I am 92% Tortured Artist.

Angst, and bitter resentment drive me to create works that not a single idot will ever come close to grasping. Ah, the raw and unforgiving statements that bleed from my soul are so misunderstood.

Take the
Tortured Artist Test
@ FualiDotCom

An update

I couldn't think of the necessary dialogue for my Venomous play so I abandoned it. I went through a period of not knowing what to write as well as going back to other projects like Messiah Comic, attempted another Game book and tried writing some radio plays. Nothing worked out. I became really frustrated. But I'm going back to plays (AGAIN!)

I'll attempt my Messiah play or Fade To Black play. Either one is good. I'll see how it goes but I have a bad feeling things will go horribly wrong. I still haven't heard back about my Killing In The Name play. I don't know whether it's good news or bad news. It could be that it's gone for a second reading higher up the chain. Or maybe not.

In completely unrelated news. I got a new computer desk and filing cabinet for FREE! My dad's work was moving to a different location and they didn't need their office furniture anymore so my dad managed to secure a new desk and filing cabinet for me. Which is cool. Getting anything for free these days is a good thing.

Anyway. Bye.

Changed my mind again

I'm not doing the Messiah comic anymore. I prefer the novel that I wrote 2 chapters of. The idea just isn't suited to the comics medium. Not to mention it would take me most of the year to finish it. And I am desperate to finish something soon. I've decided to go back to plays. I came up with a few ideas and I managed 3 pages of my Venomous play. It's a good start. I could finish it within a few weeks if I write every day. Which I'm hoping to do.

Then I can tackle the other 5 ideas that I have. I could finish quite a lot of plays by the end of the year and somehow make up for my indecisiveness at the start and middle. I probably won't hear back about them until early next year since it takes four months for the theaters to respond. Hopefully, at least one will be accepted and I can use that as a confidence boaster and maybe tackle the other mediums that I have been attempting this year (Novels, comics etc.) And hopefully with the confidence behind me I can finish them too.

Fingers crossed. Because I know something will go wrong.

An update and writing Messiah Comic

It's been awhile hasn't it? Over 3 months since I last wrote an entry. Sorry. Nobody cares anyway. I just couldn't be bothered anymore. Things weren't going well for me. The Public Enemy musical turned out to be a total disaster. I received my Killing Jake play back from the Soho theatre. They thought it had some promise but weren't willing to take it any further. Which to me sounded like a polite way of saying it's crap.

I'm still waiting to hear back about my Killing In The Name play but that'll probably be rejected too. But anyway. I have tried to write just about everything these last 3 months. From comics, plays, novels musicals and even game books! But all turned out to be a disaster. They're all crap. And I just couldn't focus or stick at them more than 10 minutes each day. Which isn't good if you're trying to finish something by the end of the year.

2008 has been worse than last year. I have only finished 1 play this year. Last year around this time, I had two comics finished. Sure they were absolutely terrible. But still. I'm in total despair. I can't wait until the day I die.

I decided to write Messiah as a comic book. I managed 8 pages today which is my best all year. I had already done four pages some weeks ago but gave up on it after I couldn't decide on the story. I must have changed the Messiah story at least a hundred times these past two years. But I've finally settled on something and things went well today. I doubt if it will last. I'll mess up tomorrow and won't write anything.

ARGHHHH!!

Public Enemy: The Musical

I've moved back to Public Enemy. I didn't think I'd ever write that idea again. But I'm on fire at the moment. I'm mixing Drama, Music and Poetry together to create an audio masterpiece. Or at least I hope so anyway. I haven't completely given up on The Hunter. I found that easier to write than Public Enemy. But my heart's not really in it.

Although I hope to finish both of them soon. I'm not writing as much as I like too. I'm being very, very lazy at the moment. I've only done 4 pages and I started it three days ago. It's going very, very slowly. I would love to pick up my pace as I really want to finish it quickly and get it sent off.

But that seems unlikely at the moment. It'll probably take me a couple of months to do. And I'm worried that 2008 will be like 2007 in that I hardly finish anything. I don't want that to happen. I want to be published in some form or another this year. And the way things are looking at the moment that doesn't seem likely to happen either.

ARGHHHHH!!!

I'm enjoying writing it. It's different. And fun. If a little hard.

Harder than I thought

Red October has proved harder than I thought. And I've given up on it. I know, it didn't take me long. But I just can't be bloody bothered with it. Instead, I have decided to do my Hunter idea as a radio drama. I will throw in some musical numbers and I think I have a masterpiece.

I was going to go back to Theatre but I've run out of ideas. I wanted to do my fantasy play Dark Omen but only managed 3 lines of story. Ah well...

Here's to the Hunter. Something I will probably give up on with a few hours.

4 years ago

It's been four years since I was arrested for malicious communication and harassment of Catherine Redfern. I spent 12 months on probation and got a £120 fine.

I would just like to say... FUCK YOU CATHERINE!!

I'LL KILL YOU, BITCH!!

Red October

I've decided to abandon my Messiah Novel. And once again return to Jodie Summers. I guess Science-Fiction and Detective mixture isn't the sort of genre I'm interested in. I'm more of a spy-thriller person. And that's exactly what I'm going to write. No, not Public Enemy. I'm almost certainly gone off that forever now.

But a new spy-thriller called Red October. It's along similar lines as the Metal Gear Solid video-games. No wait, It's a complete and total rip-off of the Metal Gear Solid video-games. It stars my favourite character Jodie Summers! Yay! She's back!

I have the general gist of the story written down. And I'll start writing it tomorrow. I'm hoping my interest can keep up long enough for me to finish it. I am so desperate to finish something! Arghhh!! I thought Messiah was it. But it wasn't. I thought Public Enemy was it. But wasn't. And now I'm hoping Red October is it. But probably won't be.

It'll be crap. And never finished.

Sigh.

Please, somebody kill me.

Despair and Turmoil

Things have gone wrong. I knew they would. My Messiah novel isn't as good as I first thought it was. In fact, it's damn right dreadful. I'm in turmoil, and in total despair. I managed to finish off the first chapter yesterday. It's 6500 words long. Which is quite good for 4 days work. But it's absolutely terrible. I hate myself.

Smells like Prodigy spirit

Another good day again today. I am so happy! I managed 1700 words of my Messiah Novel. And I have to admit. It's looking pretty good so far. That's 3300 in total. I'm doing good. And I am so proud of myself. I didn't think I could do it. But I have. All I need now is for this good spell to continue and finish the novel and get it published!

But I doubt any of that will happen. Something will go wrong. I won't finish. And it'll be so crap people will laugh at it. But for now, though I feel good. I was once again, determined to have a good day. And I'll keep being determined to have good days because right now, it seems to be working! Yay!

I'm really enjoy writing this novel. It's fun to do. It'll be some of the toughest writing I'll ever have to do. With all kinds of action sequences. But if I believe in myself (which I haven't recently) then I'm sure I can conquer it.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Messiah lives!

I've decided to rewrite my old, crappy, cyberpunk novel Messiah. I've changed the story from being about evil feminists to being about evil aliens. That way it'll have a better chance of being published if I ever finish it. I managed 29,813 words of the old draft and I'm hoping to surpass that and actually finish the bloody thing!

The book stars my favourite, Prodigy (Amy Anderson), and she's basically the Messiah that will save Earth, and other parallel Earths from these evil aliens creature type things. It's very inspired by The Matrix. Well, I mean, it's a complete rip-off of the Matrix movies. I've managed 1387 words so far. Not bad for 2 days work. I'm trying to write between 1000 - 1800 words a day. I've managed 800 words so far today. And I plan to do another 200-400 to finish off a pretty decent day.

I am determined to start having some good days. I'm getting sick of everything going wrong for me. I'm sick of failing at everything. I'm gonna try and do my best to write something that's publishable. 

Fingers crossed.

Stuck

I am really stuck at the moment. I don't have a clue what I should write. I have loads of ideas but I don't really feel passionate about them enough to undertake the long arduous process of writing them.

I've got to do something! I can't just sit on my arse and do nothing! But what!? I managed a page of The Hunter comic on Saturday but since them I haven't written anything. I am completely confused. I have ideas about The Hunter but the passion isn't there. I just don't know what I am going to do.

I wish I was dead. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything. That would be so sweet. But I don't have the methods to kill myself which makes things even more frustrating. If only I had a gun, or drugs or rope or something! Ahhhhhh!!!

I'll need to undertake a deep session of thinking. It may take a while but hopefully at the end it I will have an idea of what to write. But knowing me it'll be crap and I'll never end up finishing it.

Life blows.

Been lazy

I haven't written Tuesday or Wednesday as I was feeling tired. I reread what I had written with Public Enemy and I came to the conclusion that it was total shite. So I'm feeling deeply depressed. I have cried a few times and given some thought to what I should do.

I've decided to abandon Jodie. And instead write my other favourite character Prodigy. But she is so versatile that I can't decide what to do her as. Detective, Vigilante, Messiah, Mercenary etc. She works in just about anything! So I have so long hard thinking to do. I want to write comics. I really do. But I find the whole thing incredibly hard. I don't know why though. Maybe it's because I'm just an untalented idiot.

I tried a vigilante novel today called The Hunter. Which stars Prodigy as the lead character. But it didn't go well at all. I am just to obsessed with writing comics at the moment. But I suck at them. Well, I suck at pretty much every form of writing. I am really, really upset. But I decided to buy some books to see if they could help me. I brought PANEL ONE and PANEL TWO that features top comic scripts by writers.

I'm hoping that I can learn from them. I'm hoping that seeing how other writers write their scripts could help me. I hope so anyway. But I won't get my hopes up.

Getting worse

OK. I've been rushing it a bit. I'm so desperate to see Public Enemy finished. And I think that's caused the quality to slip drastically. It's never going to be published in this state. So since I have finished the first chapter of it. I will go back through and do some much needed editing. I hope I can tidy it up enough to bring it up to publishable standards. I'm worried I won't. I really struggled with it today. The same thing that happened with the other 6 drafts.

When I feel the quality is slipping, like it is, then I tend to get bored of it. And that's what happened today. So I'm desperately hoping I can put an end to this nagging feeling in the back of my mind by doing this editing. If I feel the quality is good then I should be able to continue, and with any luck get it finished.

I so badly want to finish something with Jodie in it. I love her! I keep fantasizing about her all the time. I imagine how brilliant, and popular she is. And all the different comics I could write for her, etc, etc. But so far, I'm on page 23. And I have an awful long way to go. I'm doubting whether I can keep it up.

Oh well. Here's to tomorrow.

Exhausting too

Public Enemy isn't just hard work. I find it very exhausting too. I feel mentally drained. And I'm only on page 11. Arghhh!! I managed 6 pages yesterday, and I'm on course for another six pages today. With two already done. I'm hoping maybe from Monday onwards I can do 8 pages a day again. But like I said, it's very hard work, and very exhausting to do.

I can't wait to go back to writing plays. They were so much easier.

Hard work

This Public Enemy rewrite is blooming hard work. It took me 30 minutes to write two panels. I'm certainly writing in more detail than I did before. Each panel so far has taken up nearly half a page. Admittedly I've only done four panels but still. I'm worried it'll take me twice as long to do now. I mean I know it's quality not quantity but I'm desperate to be published this year. I've been at this writing gig for 7 years now and I haven't sold anything yet. It's driving me crazy! I can't take this nobody business anymore. I want to be a SOMEBODY.

Whether or not I could handle the fame and fortune if it comes is debatable. I have a lot of mental health problems. And I would probably struggle if I was overly famous. But it would be nice if people knew who I was now and again. But anyway. I would post page two but I can't be bothered to boot up windows again. (I use a Macintosh).

But in the meantime I would like to plug my screenwriting software that I use to write my plays and comics. It's called Sophocles. It's absolutely brilliant. I throughly recommend it to anyone.

And end post.

Public Enemy is too alluring

I couldn't write Fade To Black anymore. I just didn't believe in it. I thought it was pretty good by my standards. But not by anyone else's. But the allure of rewriting Public Enemy was too much to resist. I am weak minded. So I rewrote the first page. I think I've done alright. It's a bit rough around the edges. But it's an improvement over the last draft. This is my sixth attempt at it.

So here it is.

PAGE ONE: (2 PANELS)
PANEL ONE

Wide angle shot. Looking down an alleyway, that's about wide enough to fit a car through. On the right hand side, a two-story building of some kind. Some of the windows are boarded up. Others have been smashed. Some sharp, shards of shattered glass lay hopeless around on the cracked, oil-spilled, asphalt tarmac.

There's two sheet-metal garages below. Rusted. Corroded. They look worse for wear. Scrawled in paint across them are -- Keep Out and -- No Parking --.

A damaged metal fire escape lines up around the dilapidated building. The ladder has been lowered down. But it tilts to one side. Broken off it's hinges. Probably vandalized by local hooligans. Tipped over garbage cans spewing their trash to the left. Split black sacks with trash gouging out the side.

Coke cans, torn newspapers and other lightweight junk are being pelted around by the choppy, hurricane-force wind. Thick, impenetrable steam hisses out the sewer grates in the center of the shot. A rotten odor of feces circulates the surrounding area. This place makes hell look like Beverly Hills. You'd want to keep the paying tourists away, that's for sure.

The sky above the scene is blacker than coal. Dense, thunderous clouds surge across the sky like charging bulls, lost and aimless but packing a horrendous punch.

But in the hazy, cream-colored steam. We can make out a shadowy figure of a young girl running towards us.

CAPTION
20th March 2039 - Newcity, England.

PANEL TWO

The young girl comes into full view. It's JODIE SUMMERS. Jodie's a beautiful english rose. About seventeen years old. She's very cuddly, girl-next-door-type look. Jodie has an aroma of sweetness and innocence. Her shoulder-length pitch-black hair is in a loose ponytail. There's the odd few strands running down her young, ethereal face.

Her crystal-blue eyes sharply focused to her wrist. Jodie's staring shockingly at the time. She's clad from neck-to-toe in a cola-black, and rose-red lycra suit. The rose-red are over the limb-joints and breasts. And cola-black everywhere else. It's skin-tight. And molds to Jodie's subtle, fragile body. Which means, it leaves very little to the imagination.

Slugged over her left should is a Heckler & Koch PSG-1 sniper rifle. It swings in motion to Jodie's rapid movements.

The dire wind belts around newspapers, and coke cans. They rattle, and roll around Jodie's tired feet. The newspapers explode into the air, shot down the alleyway like a speeding bullet.

JODIE SUMMERS
Must hurry myself up. I don't have time on my side.

What do you think? Better than the fifth draft that I posted? I hope so. Please tell me it is. I'm going crazy with despair over the whole thing. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!

Page Two, Fade To Black

Better or worse? I hope better. I'm really focused on making this the best comic ever. Or at least a comic that's someway publishable. I hope I can finish it though. I have this problem of not finishing things I start. I'm trying to correct that this year. And so far I have failed miserably.

But it's only March. So I can still improve. Anyway, here's Page two from my spy-thriller Graphic Novel, Fade To Black.

PAGE TWO: (3 PANELS)
PANEL ONE

Jodie crash lands on the puddle-infected deck. The force of the impact sends her almost to her knees. The Union Jack parachute flops down beside her. Tremendous frothy waves of salt-water smash over the side of the ship. They snake around the wooden deck, eating away at all the corroded steel.

The boat leaps up and down in the delinquent Atlantic. The hurricane force wind belts into Jodie's face. Causing her hair to dance around drunkenly on her head.

JODIE SUMMERS
Oomph!

PANEL TWO

The tornado wind pelts underneath the parachute. It surges it into the gloomy sky, dragging Jodie backwards. She has to fight it with every inch of strength in her slim-body. Jodie eases herself forward. Her face screwed up in pain. The chute flaps around violently from side to side.

More astronomical waves lash over the side of the boat. Striking the stone-cold metal like charging bulls. Thunderous rain plunges to the wooden deck. They hit everything in sight. The storm over the Atlantic grows ever more violent.

JODIE SUMMERS
Ugh!

PANEL THREE

A small panel up close with Jodie's parachute belt. Jodie's frozen hands tap onto the release mechanism. And the belt snaps loose.

SFX
PING!

I think it's better than what I was doing with Public Enemy. But still... It might not yet be good enough to be published. As much I would love to have it publish. I might have a lot of hard work still ahead of me. I'll keep trying. I don't plan to give up on comics yet. I want to write this thing. I want to make it as good as I can. And naturally, I want it published.

I'm trying to be a different writer

I sent Ragnell an email asking for a link. But she never responded. Did I say something wrong? Have I upset her in anyway? I hope not. I read her blog. I don't agree with her feminist views. But I do see an element of sexism in comics. That's a revelation coming from me! I'm probably the most nastiest misogynist on planet Earth.

But saying that, I'm trying to be different. I want Jodie Summers (my spy character) to be a non-sexualized heroine. She doesn't wear skimpy clothes. She doesn't have over-sized breasts. I want her to be a heroine for girls everywhere. Someone they can look up to and aspire to be like. She's strong. Smart. Sexy (but not overly). Powerful. She's the ideal heroine.

OK, I intend for Jodie to have right-wing politics like me. If and when I get into the political stuff. But my intention is for all girls regardless of politics to rally behind her. She's my hero. And I want her to be everyone else's hero too.

I'm trying to set myself apart from all the other bozo-macho writers out there that feel the need to turn their female characters into lust objects for horny teenage boys. Jodie isn't like that. That's not to say she won't be good looking. I hope the artist who ever draws her can make her as cute as I imagine in my head. But at the same time. I hope they won't over do it too much and turn her into a bimbo that's only good for eye candy.

I WOULD TOTALLY HATE THAT!

Fade To Black, Panel 2

Here's the rough draft of panel two.

PANEL TWO
Front of the ship. Jodie comes in for landing. She yanks on the strings, hard. There are hundreds of red and blue corroded metal containers dotted randomly across the ship. A few in shot for this panel. The heavens have opened up, and thousands of water-like missiles plummet down to the wooden deck.

They strike Jodie with savage vehemence. Her hair has become soaked to the bone. Water-droplets dribble down her exquisite face.

CAPTION
Just great. It would have to rain.

I think it's getting better. But I have this nagging feeling that it's total tripe. What ever am I going to do? I'm trying as hard as I can. But it appears as if my best isn't good enough. Maybe comics isn't for me after all. I don't want to quit. I have a story to tell. I have an excellent character that needs to be put out there. Jodie could be huge! She could be the real rival to James Bond. But no-one will ever know. And that makes me depressed.

Fade To Black Graphic Novel

Maybe I was too quick to eject myself from comics. I got a bit overly depressed. That happens with my bipolar disorder. I've thought things through. And I've decided to give Public Enemy a much deserved rest. It's a little too fresh in my mind to contemplate a re-write at this moment in time.

So, I've decided to move onto another comic that I've rewritten hundreds of times: Fade To Black. Yes, it's another spy-thriller. And yes, it stars Jodie Summers. I have this thing for spy-thrillers. I have a desire to be a famous spy-writer. I hope Jodie can rival James Bond. That's my aim anyway.

I've roughly written the first panel. And here it is.

PAGE ONE:
PANEL ONE

A good shot of JODIE SUMMERS. Jodie's a beautiful english rose. Very cuddly, girl-next-door type look. She has an aroma of sweetness and innocence. Jodie has pitch-black hair, that's in a loose ponytail. With the odd few strands running down her young, ethereal face. Her crystal-blue eyes are focused downwards, towards something in the corner.

Jodie's parachuting through the brooding, grim midnight air. Impenetrable thunder clouds surge across the coal-black sky. They're like a herd of wild beasts running lost and aimless, charging with concrete force.

Jodie has an Union Jack parachute. She tugs on the chute strings trying her best, to guide herself through the hazy, black fog that dishevels itself across the boisterous Atlantic Ocean.

Mammoth sized Atlantic waves chandelle forward. Slicing, and dicing each other to pieces like razor sharps kitchen-knives. The whole ocean explodes with fierce intensity. The choppy gale-force wind howls violently to itself. It fuels the monsoon like gasoline in a oil-fire.

Just in shot, to the right: a gigantic crimson cargo ship bobs roughly up and down in the inclement seas.

CAPTION
Wednesday 31st December 2008.

CAPTION
Atlantic Ocean.

I'm thinking it's a little better. It's still rough. Still maybe needs some work. But it's better than Public Enemy, right? Please, tell me that it is. I re-read the making of a comic on Dark Horse. And I read the script throughly. And now, I'm trying to implement more complex descriptions. Give it a bit more Oomph!

Maybe I've still failed.

What to do now?

I'm really concerned about the Public Enemy Graphic Novel. I am convinced it's total tripe. So what do I do now? I am really tempted to abandon it and just concede that I can't write comic books. As much as I would love to write one. I simply don't have the talent. So what's next?

I don't want to give up on Jodie Summers. She's my baby. Yeah. Yeah. She's fictional. But Jodie wouldn't give up on me. And I feel guilty that I can't finish a creative work with her in it. It's been two years since I created her. I've attempted hundreds of works featuring her. But none finished.

She's just too hard to write. I always fail with her. Always. So what's next? I have several options. I could return to theatre and write another play.  I could write a Radio drama. Or I could write a novel. I'll be rubbish at all three. But I have no other option. March has proved to be a disastrous month for me.

Comics are just too hard. Too painful. I want to do Jodie so bad. I owe her one. So I just have to try and think of something else to put her in. Maybe a play. Maybe a radio drama. I've tried Novels before. And I have completely failed. 

It's description I'm terrible at. And dialogue. And characterization. And EVERYTHING! Why don't I have any talent? I'm always getting screwed over. I'm just bad luck. If only I had some rope... or  a shotgun or something. I could put an end to my stupid, worthless, life in an instant.

But I don't. So I'll have to struggle on.

Extract from Killing Jake Play

This is my finished detective play: Killing Jake. It stars my other favourite character Prodigy (Amy Anderson). To give you some background. It's the Year 2044. Prodigy is a broke, and out of luck detective with a Coke problem. And throughout the 55 page play she has to solve a great conspiracy involving Mutants, Androids and bankrupt corporations. And it all starts with a lost dog.

Here's Scene 1.

ACT I

SCENE 1

PRODIGY ENTERS. Curtain/lights are down.

Prodigy's a young, beautiful english rose. She's around twenty-two years old, and has shoulder length pitch-black hair. That has brilliant WHITE STREAKS glazed through it. On the LEFT HAND SIDE of her head, is a little PINK BOW.

PRODIGY
Welcome to the future. Twenty Forty-Four. To be precise. Capital City, England if you want more detail. The future isn't the best place for a young girl like me to grow up in. We have our fair share of crime, and disasters. I guess like anyone else. But what truly separates us from you is the rise of Mutants and Androids. I'm not a mutant myself but I live among them and they treat me as their own. I don't fit in with the Norms as we call them. Mutants emerged from the aftermath of the Nuclear War of Twenty-Twenty-Two. They have bodily deformities that have outcast them from traditional human society. And Androids? They appeared in Twenty-Thirty from Syntax. The leading technology company in the world.
(Pause)
My name is Amy Kathryn Anderson. In case you were wondering. But I prefer to call myself Prodigy. Most of the mutants do. How I got that name? That's beyond the time arc of this particular play. But you'll find out soon enough. When the time is right.

Prodigy EXITS.

AT RISE: WE'RE in Prodigy's quaint little office. There's a wooden desk, with a computer on, and a swivel chair behind it. Two ordinary chairs sit in front. Prodigy is at the window. The blind is half drawn, and she is looking out into the street. THUNDER, LIGHTNING and RAIN sweep across the street. It's not a nice night. Prodigy has a CIGARETTE in one hand, and with the other is peeping through the blind. The window reads - AMY ANDERSON, PRIVATE DETECTIVE.

PRODIGY
Ohhhh...!! Why isn't anyone coming? What am I doing wrong? I desperately need a new case to investigate. I'm running low on funds!
(turning away from window)
I guess I might as well call it a night. No-one's going to show up at this time. It's nearly 11pm.
(Inhales cigarette)
Hmmm.. That's better. Nothing like a good fag to calm me down. It seems to be my only friend these days.
(Crashes into swivel chair behind desk, and places head in hands)
Why did I take up this job?
(inhales more cigarette smoke)
It's all because I got that Sherlock Holmes novel, 'The Hound of Baskerville' for christmas when I was a kid. I knew it. I knew it right there and then that I wanted to be a private detective. But my dad he kept trying to talk me out of it. Maybe I should have listened to him now.
(Leans back, and inhales more smoke)
I need a fix-er-up-er.
(Opens top desk drawer and takes out a piece of wrapped up tin foil and a credit card)
This old thing has expired now. But I still have other uses for it.
(Unwraps foil and sprinkles a bit of the cocaine inside onto the desk, then uses the credit card to dice it into a thin line.)
This always does the trick when I'm feelin' blue.
(Digs into wallet, and pulls out five pound note. Rolls it up into a tube and sniffs the line of coke in one shot.)
Ahhh... That's better.
(Sniffs hard to ensure all the coke has gone up her nose, then rubs it.)
Oooooohh. I feel good all of a sudden. I could dance right now.
(Carries on smoking)

FOOTSTEPS approaching. Prodigy jerked forward in her seat, and waited for the inevitable knock.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

PRODIGY
(Douses out cigarette into tray, and folds her arms.)
Come in.

MRS. WARNER ENTERS looking rather distraught. She shakes off the rain from her UMBRELLA, and steps to Prodigy. Mrs. Warner is an elderly lady in her late fifties, with wrinkled skin, and thick sloshes of make up on her. She was wearing a pretty little red hat that was perched on top of her head. She looks posh, and fancy.

PRODIGY
(Smiling as cheerily as she could)
Can I help you?

MRS. WARNER
Yes. I've lost my baby. I don't often come to these parts, but my son wanted a toy from around here, and now....
(Sobs)
I've lost my baby!
(Sobs some more)
My husband will be so upset with me if I don't return home with him. I would go to the police, but it seems so trivial for them. I saw your office and wondered if you could help.

PRODIGY
I certainly can. Mrs...?

MRS. WARNER
Mrs. Warner.

PRODIGY
OK. Mrs. Warner. I just need to take down some details. Nothing to complicated. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you.
(Dumps tin foil into top draw, and pulls out a notepad and pen.)
So your name is Mrs. Warner.
(Writes it down.)

MRS. WARNER
(Sits down)
That is correct.

PRODIGY
And where were you last when he ran off?

MRS. WARNER
I was by the old haunted house. Just down the street. I turned my back for a brief second or two, and then he was gone.
(Wipes tears on napkin)
I hope you won't think of me as a lesser person because of it.

PRODIGY
(Writing down details)
No, No. Of Course not. It happens to all of us. Do you have any pictures of him that I could borrow for my search?

MRS. WARNER
All I have is this.
(Pulls of old, crinkled photo)
This is the most recent I have of him.

PRODIGY
(Takes photograph, and frowns.)
It's a DOG.

MRS. WARNER
Yes, Yes. He's my baby. You do pets don't you?

PRODIGY
Yeah. I guess.

MRS. WARNER
Thank you. Thank you. I can pay you quite handsomely if you find him.

PRODIGY
(Perks up in seat)
Really?

MRS. WARNER
Oh yes. We're a very wealthy family. My husband works for that Android company, Syntax.

PRODIGY
(Passes across notepad and pen)
If you could write down your details, that would be most helpful.

MRS. WARNER
(Writes down details)
There you go dear.
(Stands up.)
Call me the moment you find him.

PRODIGY
Will do.

Mrs. Warner takes her Umbrella, and EXITS. Prodigy leaned back in her chair, and lights up another cigarette.

PRODIGY
Damnit! Damnit!
(Thumps fists onto desk)
I thought I had a real case there.
(Breathes in smoke)
Never mind, I guess. A case is a case. Money is money. I hope I can make a lot for this. I don't particularly want to drag my sorry ass through these soggy streets looking for some over pampered Dog. But a Job is a Job. It all helps in the end.
(Stands up, and takes several puffs of cigarette before distinguishing it in the ash tray.)

Prodigy EXITS. END SCENE 1. (BLACKOUT)

This is the play that I got that compliment for. Doesn't seem that good now. What was I thinking!? I sent it off to the Soho Theatre a few weeks ago for a free script feedback. They'll probably just write back with CRAP written across it. :-(

Public Enemy Graphic Novel, Page 3

Here's the third page from my spy-thriller Graphic Novel: (starring my favourite character Jodie Summers)

PAGE THREE: (3 PANELS)
PANEL ONE

SIDE ON VIEW. Jodie sprints across the street. WE'RE about half-way across. Another alley-way just out of sight to the left. WE CAN SEE down the street. And mostly importantly the city-backdrop. There are hundreds of tall, glistening, depressing SKYSCRAPERS. With that odd DOME SHAPE at the top. And a nice needle rising high into the blackened air.

Jodie continues to PUFF, PANT and WHEEZE. Her PSG-1 slops from side to side in tune. The FULL MOON is dead center in the chilly-sky. A few clouds here and there, but the sky remains clear. Jodie's running over the sewer-grate. HAZY-STEAM swallows up her young-legs.

CAPTION
"This city stinks. Why did I ever move here? I was much happier in Great Yarmouth. Quiet, little seaside resort. Where everyone knows your name. Heaven."

PANEL TWO

BEHIND SHOT. Jodie dashed up the alleyway that's now in SHOT. WE'RE still at the beginning of it. To the LEFT-HAND SIDE is a broken, rotted wooden fence. Pieces of wood are missing from it. Some have half-collapsed. Graffiti has been spoiled onto it. Random slogans: FX, PRODIGY, 3:16.

Through the gaps in the fence WE CAN SEE overgrown grass that looks almost dead. It's a very dull GREEN-COLOR. There's a shopping trolley dump on it, as well as other heaps of household waste. To the RIGHT-HANDS SIDE is a building wall. It's covered by SOOT, DIRT and GRIME. There's chips in the brickwork.

A cracked set of concrete slabs that have spilled OIL on them lead up the alleyway. There's two METAL-TRASH CANS with the lids missing, and flies buzzing round the overflowing garbage. Also some BLACK-RUBBISH SACKS that have been dumped by them. Maybe there's a split in one where some trash creeps out of.

CAPTION
"Look at this city. How'd it get so bad? Do people round here just not care? Are people these days just too lazy to clean up?"

PANEL THREE

A SMALL PANEL skewed on the end. WE HOLD the same SHOT. But Jodie's disappeared up the alleyway. She's a mere shadowy figure now.

No matter how hard I try. It just seems to suck. :-(

Thinking about praise I've received

I was thinking just a few moments ago, after the post about how crap I am. About the praise that I've received for some of my work. I haven't had many. But that's because I've barely finished anything. But I did finish my theatre play Killing Jake.

I sent it off to PFD. And Although it was rejected. I got this nice little compliment. It's not much. But it made me feel good.

I've now read the play and I am afraid that, although I do see that you write well, it's just not to my taste. Obviously, my reaction is purely subjective.

That was from Giles Smart. Although, rejecting my play like that. He doesn't seem that smart. (hehehe). And that's basically it. I definitely need to finish more stuff and get them sent off. Otherwise, I'll never make it as anything.

I have so far this year, finished two plays. Killing Jake (as mentioned) and Killing in the Name. Both of them are short. Between 55-60 pages respectably. And I was hoping to write a longer one. But, ah, never mind.

I'm on my Graphic Novel at the moment. But it's not going well. I find it very painful, and arduous to write. And as mention in the post below. My descriptions seem utterly crap. I need to improve. I need to improve. I need to improve.

Hopefully I will. I've been getting better. That's a positive at least. I mean the first four versions of it were the most crappiest thing you've ever seen. Take my word for it. They were plain shit. But with this fifth draft. I have completely seen an improvement. But I'm afraid it's still not good enough to be published.

I must try harder. I must try harder. I need to improve. I need to improve.

Why don't I have any talent?

So, I was reading Making Of A Comic on Dark Horse, and comparing their script with mine. Well, how do I put this politely? My descriptions seem so lazy and basically shit. What's wrong with me? I thought my opener to Public Enemy was at least semi-decent. But it seems so unbelievably terrible.

I don't know what to do. Should I rewrite now? Or finish it and then rewrite? I've attempted this spy-thriller four times already and never got past page 49 because it was just plain rubbish. I kept giving up on poor Jodie. I mean, I know she's fictional. But she seems so real to me. In my thoughts and dreams. I promised her I wouldn't quit this time. But I'm having second thoughts.

I'm in love with her! Yeah. Yeah. She's not real. Damn. I need a girlfriend. Any offers?

Didn't think so. Oh Jodie. What am I going to do with you? You seem such a brilliant character in my mind. Strong. Sexy. Smart. But on paper you lose all that. You seem so flat and uninspired.

Why was I born without any talent? I'm shit at just about EVERYTHING!  I can't believe Mother Nature/God (whoever) screwed me over so bad. I'm not mad at God though. Maybe I do deserve it. After all, I find myself blaspheming a lot. I'm not just a crappy writer. I'm a crappy Christian too. :-(