Went horribly wrong...

Everything has gone horribly wrong. As always. I grew bored of the novel-cum-screenplay and abandoned it. I didn't write for a few days. Then yesterday I attempted to do it as a radio drama. But that went wrong too. So I've decided to go back to the screenplay and make it as surreal, poetic, arty and absurd as possible. It'll probably go wrong. But I'm running out of options. The year is nearly at an end. And I've only finished 1 crappy play.

I really want to finish something. But my mind is fucked up. I keep giving up on things when I feel they're not going well. And nothing really goes well with me. So it means I give up on EVERYTHING I write. 

I hate myself and want to die. 

I did manage to bring Fade To Black up to 23 pages. But I'm miles away from finishing. Especially if I keep giving up on it. And only writing 2 pages a day. My concentration is terrible. I need some ritalin or something. I do have a hospital appointment on Wednesday 1st October. So I hope to bring it up. Knowing my luck, the doctor won't listen to me as usual and give me nothing. And I will have to continue to struggle through life.

I so badly want to die.

If only I was talented. That would be awesome! But I'm not. And there's no way of making it happen. You're either born with it or not. And I wasn't. My money is still VERY low. I haven't brought anything lately except cigarettes and food. But they're still expensive. I'm down to £515. It just keeps getting lower! I'll run out of money by the end of the year if things keep like this. That's why I need to finish something and get it published!! FAST!!

But it seems so unlikely at the moment. I'm feeling terrible. I've become so lazy, and inactive. All I do is listen to music and have fantasies of being rich, famous and successful. It drives me crazy sometimes because it's NEVER going to happen. Not the way things are going at the moment anyway.

I wish I was dead.

An update

I couldn't think of the necessary dialogue for my Venomous play so I abandoned it. I went through a period of not knowing what to write as well as going back to other projects like Messiah Comic, attempted another Game book and tried writing some radio plays. Nothing worked out. I became really frustrated. But I'm going back to plays (AGAIN!)

I'll attempt my Messiah play or Fade To Black play. Either one is good. I'll see how it goes but I have a bad feeling things will go horribly wrong. I still haven't heard back about my Killing In The Name play. I don't know whether it's good news or bad news. It could be that it's gone for a second reading higher up the chain. Or maybe not.

In completely unrelated news. I got a new computer desk and filing cabinet for FREE! My dad's work was moving to a different location and they didn't need their office furniture anymore so my dad managed to secure a new desk and filing cabinet for me. Which is cool. Getting anything for free these days is a good thing.

Anyway. Bye.

Stuck

I am really stuck at the moment. I don't have a clue what I should write. I have loads of ideas but I don't really feel passionate about them enough to undertake the long arduous process of writing them.

I've got to do something! I can't just sit on my arse and do nothing! But what!? I managed a page of The Hunter comic on Saturday but since them I haven't written anything. I am completely confused. I have ideas about The Hunter but the passion isn't there. I just don't know what I am going to do.

I wish I was dead. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything. That would be so sweet. But I don't have the methods to kill myself which makes things even more frustrating. If only I had a gun, or drugs or rope or something! Ahhhhhh!!!

I'll need to undertake a deep session of thinking. It may take a while but hopefully at the end it I will have an idea of what to write. But knowing me it'll be crap and I'll never end up finishing it.

Life blows.

Been lazy

I haven't written Tuesday or Wednesday as I was feeling tired. I reread what I had written with Public Enemy and I came to the conclusion that it was total shite. So I'm feeling deeply depressed. I have cried a few times and given some thought to what I should do.

I've decided to abandon Jodie. And instead write my other favourite character Prodigy. But she is so versatile that I can't decide what to do her as. Detective, Vigilante, Messiah, Mercenary etc. She works in just about anything! So I have so long hard thinking to do. I want to write comics. I really do. But I find the whole thing incredibly hard. I don't know why though. Maybe it's because I'm just an untalented idiot.

I tried a vigilante novel today called The Hunter. Which stars Prodigy as the lead character. But it didn't go well at all. I am just to obsessed with writing comics at the moment. But I suck at them. Well, I suck at pretty much every form of writing. I am really, really upset. But I decided to buy some books to see if they could help me. I brought PANEL ONE and PANEL TWO that features top comic scripts by writers.

I'm hoping that I can learn from them. I'm hoping that seeing how other writers write their scripts could help me. I hope so anyway. But I won't get my hopes up.

Fade To Black Graphic Novel

Maybe I was too quick to eject myself from comics. I got a bit overly depressed. That happens with my bipolar disorder. I've thought things through. And I've decided to give Public Enemy a much deserved rest. It's a little too fresh in my mind to contemplate a re-write at this moment in time.

So, I've decided to move onto another comic that I've rewritten hundreds of times: Fade To Black. Yes, it's another spy-thriller. And yes, it stars Jodie Summers. I have this thing for spy-thrillers. I have a desire to be a famous spy-writer. I hope Jodie can rival James Bond. That's my aim anyway.

I've roughly written the first panel. And here it is.

PAGE ONE:
PANEL ONE

A good shot of JODIE SUMMERS. Jodie's a beautiful english rose. Very cuddly, girl-next-door type look. She has an aroma of sweetness and innocence. Jodie has pitch-black hair, that's in a loose ponytail. With the odd few strands running down her young, ethereal face. Her crystal-blue eyes are focused downwards, towards something in the corner.

Jodie's parachuting through the brooding, grim midnight air. Impenetrable thunder clouds surge across the coal-black sky. They're like a herd of wild beasts running lost and aimless, charging with concrete force.

Jodie has an Union Jack parachute. She tugs on the chute strings trying her best, to guide herself through the hazy, black fog that dishevels itself across the boisterous Atlantic Ocean.

Mammoth sized Atlantic waves chandelle forward. Slicing, and dicing each other to pieces like razor sharps kitchen-knives. The whole ocean explodes with fierce intensity. The choppy gale-force wind howls violently to itself. It fuels the monsoon like gasoline in a oil-fire.

Just in shot, to the right: a gigantic crimson cargo ship bobs roughly up and down in the inclement seas.

CAPTION
Wednesday 31st December 2008.

CAPTION
Atlantic Ocean.

I'm thinking it's a little better. It's still rough. Still maybe needs some work. But it's better than Public Enemy, right? Please, tell me that it is. I re-read the making of a comic on Dark Horse. And I read the script throughly. And now, I'm trying to implement more complex descriptions. Give it a bit more Oomph!

Maybe I've still failed.