I was right...

Things went wrong. I didn't write Friday night due to it being the Sabbath start. So it was a welcome break. Then it all went horribly wrong Saturday. I woke up at 9:30 am with tightness in my chest. I decided to smoke. And drank a load of coke. In a matter of minutes I was being sick in the bin. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. 

I tried writing at 8:30 p.m. as normal but I was distracted by my thoughts. I just couldn't do it. I feared this would happen. The problems I had before I had these mood stabilizers returned. I was feeling pretty bad. The day had been utterly terrible. I knew this would happen. I knew this good spell would come to an end. Things never last with me. Something always goes wrong in the end. I just never have any good luck.

Sunday (Today) was better though. I slept till 12 p.m. then again till 4:30 p.m. And I managed to write 3 pages. The total page count is now 44 pages. I almost gave up on the screenplay again! I was thinking of doing it as a comic. I had some good thoughts about it. But When I tried to write it. I just couldn't be bothered. So I went back to the screenplay. I think it's really good. It seems OK to me. It looks nice on the screen. But that means nothing.

I do like it alot. I can't seem to do comics anymore. I've lost the nack for them. I would like to write a comic. I think it could be really good. I visualize it in my head well. But whenever I try to write them. It just doesn't seem that good. I don't know what it is about them. They are a bit awkward to do. I prefer when things flow from one paragraph to another. So I'll stick with the screenplay and (hopefully) I'll get it finished soon.

I did have thoughts of doing it as a radio drama which helped put me off yesterday. But I just don't think it will work when thinking about it logically. But it was a nice thought. I just hope Saturday was a one-off and things will go smoothly from now on.

But I doubt it.

They might be working

I think these mood stabilizers are working. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play last night. It wasn't particularly awe inspiring. But my mind didn't wander at all. I was completely focused. No fantasies or other thoughts getting in my way. It was like heaven. I've been waiting for that for months, and months on end. WHY DIDN'T I GET THEM SOONER?

I have no idea. But I am thankful I have them now. I've abandoned the play and radio play and the comic and guess what? That's right. I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore. But I'm going back to the screenplay version. I am quite confident about it. I didn't write in enough detail the first time round. I will strip the poetic descriptions from it and re-write all 23 pages from scratch. It'll take me a while. But if I can concentrate as well as I think then it should be a breeze.

But we'll see.

Got some mood stabilizers

My hospital appointment today went quite well. I had a nice doctor and he didn't ask too many complicated questions (I'm stupid) and I could understand him clearly and everything. I wrote down some stuff about how I was feeling and he seemed to pay attention. So it went quite well. He prescribed me some mood stabilizers to help control my manic episodes. I seemed to be on record now as being bipolar which I am thankful about. I've finally been recognized.

The medication is Depakote (valproate semi-sodium) I'm on a starting dose of 500 mg but he hopes to increase it over the next few weeks/months. I just hope it freaking works! I don't know whether or not it'll help with my concentration or not. So I'll have to see how it works out. I had a terrible writing session yesterday I could barely write 1 word. I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept wandering to other things. It was fucking awful. I don't want a repeat of that anymore otherwise I'll get NOTHING finished EVER!

I managed 1 page of my radio drama today. At around 10 am. I couldn't really do anymore as I couldn't concentrate properly. Besides, I was nervous about my hospital appointment and how it would pan out. As it happened, it went well. But I didn't know that at the time. My sleep has been really awful lately too. I think it's because I went to bed at gone 5 am last Wednesday night and it's mucked up my sleeping pattern. I had good sleeps Thursday, friday but not Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was OK but it was a bit awkward to begin with. Today's was flat out terrible. I woke up at 8 am and didn't sleep again until 11 am. I only slept till 1 p.m. I hope it was just because I was nervous. I don't want a repeat of that.

I'm not sure if I want to do the radio drama anymore. I don't think it's working as well as I hoped. I struggled a bit today with it. I might do a mixture of plays snippets and poetry. I had an idea about it last night. It seemed good in my fantasies. I'll see how it goes over the next few days. There's the possibility I'll go back to the comic too. But I'll just have to see how my concentration and everything pans out.

I've done OK with this post. I managed to write it without losing my focus. If that's a sign of things to come then I can't wait!

YAY!

Complete disaster!

My plan to make the novel-cum-screenplay into a poetic, arty, surreal masterpiece has backfired on me. I tried making it poetic but it just sounds silly. I couldn't do it. It seems so utterly crap now. I abandon it for definitely now. It just so stupid and crap. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? I've ruined it and now the memory of it has been tainted forever. I doubt whether it would have been published anyway. It was pretty awful to begin with.

I've gone back to the radio version of it. I like the idea I have for it. I made a few brief changes to it and while it's not genius. It's alright, I guess. Publishable? I doubt it. But I don't have much choice left. I HAVE to do and finish something with Jodie in it. Before someone steals her name. I did attempt a page of the comic but I find it to be utter shit. As always. I just can't do comics. They never seem right. They look odd. If only I could draw...

But I can't. So it's not worth worrying about. The radio play seems OK. I'll see how it goes. I'll probably go back to the comic since something will go wrong with the radio drama. I just know it. I'm only on page 3 of the radio play. So there's plenty that could go wrong with it. I only made some brief alterations tonight. Which I feel disappointed about. I should have done more. I may attempt some more tonight. My fantasies are getting in the way and I can't focus or concentrate properly.

I just hope I can finish something. Time is running out. A book or whatever could appear in the next few months with a character called Jodie Summers. I don't want to lose that name. I can't imagine her being called anything else. I guess it's my own fault. I've had the Jodie Summers character in my head since 2005. So I've had plenty of time to finish something with her in it but I always failed. Time after time. 2008 has been no different. There's something about Jodie that makes me fail with her. I managed to finish two crappy plays with my other character Prodigy even though they were both rejected. But I doubt anyone will steal 'Prodigy' and call a character that. It's so different and odd. But you never know.

But my primary focus is on Jodie. But I'll fail. As usual.

Public Enemy: The Musical

I've moved back to Public Enemy. I didn't think I'd ever write that idea again. But I'm on fire at the moment. I'm mixing Drama, Music and Poetry together to create an audio masterpiece. Or at least I hope so anyway. I haven't completely given up on The Hunter. I found that easier to write than Public Enemy. But my heart's not really in it.

Although I hope to finish both of them soon. I'm not writing as much as I like too. I'm being very, very lazy at the moment. I've only done 4 pages and I started it three days ago. It's going very, very slowly. I would love to pick up my pace as I really want to finish it quickly and get it sent off.

But that seems unlikely at the moment. It'll probably take me a couple of months to do. And I'm worried that 2008 will be like 2007 in that I hardly finish anything. I don't want that to happen. I want to be published in some form or another this year. And the way things are looking at the moment that doesn't seem likely to happen either.

ARGHHHHH!!!

I'm enjoying writing it. It's different. And fun. If a little hard.

Harder than I thought

Red October has proved harder than I thought. And I've given up on it. I know, it didn't take me long. But I just can't be bloody bothered with it. Instead, I have decided to do my Hunter idea as a radio drama. I will throw in some musical numbers and I think I have a masterpiece.

I was going to go back to Theatre but I've run out of ideas. I wanted to do my fantasy play Dark Omen but only managed 3 lines of story. Ah well...

Here's to the Hunter. Something I will probably give up on with a few hours.

What to do now?

I'm really concerned about the Public Enemy Graphic Novel. I am convinced it's total tripe. So what do I do now? I am really tempted to abandon it and just concede that I can't write comic books. As much as I would love to write one. I simply don't have the talent. So what's next?

I don't want to give up on Jodie Summers. She's my baby. Yeah. Yeah. She's fictional. But Jodie wouldn't give up on me. And I feel guilty that I can't finish a creative work with her in it. It's been two years since I created her. I've attempted hundreds of works featuring her. But none finished.

She's just too hard to write. I always fail with her. Always. So what's next? I have several options. I could return to theatre and write another play.  I could write a Radio drama. Or I could write a novel. I'll be rubbish at all three. But I have no other option. March has proved to be a disastrous month for me.

Comics are just too hard. Too painful. I want to do Jodie so bad. I owe her one. So I just have to try and think of something else to put her in. Maybe a play. Maybe a radio drama. I've tried Novels before. And I have completely failed. 

It's description I'm terrible at. And dialogue. And characterization. And EVERYTHING! Why don't I have any talent? I'm always getting screwed over. I'm just bad luck. If only I had some rope... or  a shotgun or something. I could put an end to my stupid, worthless, life in an instant.

But I don't. So I'll have to struggle on.