Went back to the comic

I decided to go back to the Fade To Black comic. I managed 8 pages. But that was mostly cuttin' and pastin' stuff from the screenplay. I think it's crap though. I've gone off comics again. Stupid me. I can't stop fantasizing about writing them and when I do I end up going off them for a few days then it repeats. I am truly messed up. Stupid crappy brain. Still though, 8 pages is 8 pages. Regardless of whether I'll be proceeding with the comic or not. It was a welcome break from the screenplay. Even though I won't be writing tomorrow night due to it being the start of the Sabbath.

I've been spending money again. I brought X20 4 CD box set from Suicide Commando. As well as their 2 disc anthology. It cost me £29 in total. Although the box set was RRP £34.99 and the anthology was RRP £12.99. I had the money saved up as left overs from cigarettes and shopping. So it's not like I went too crazy. Although the same thing happened again. I went to Amazon and ended up spending a load of money. I hadn't been for a while. I was trying to save some money. But the moment the page loads up I knew I had to spend, spend, spend. I learned of Suicide Commando from Itunes. I listened to their Axis Of Evil album which I'll be getting for christmas. And I just fell in love with it. So I knew I had to buy something of theirs as soon as possible. I really couldn't wait 2 months for it.

My sleep has been better. I repeated the routine from yesterday; not smoking before bed, having less to eat, and having it sooner. And it seems to be working. I also smoke 2 cigarettes when I wake up no matter how desperate I am for more. Although, my cat Steel went missing for 30 minutes this morning. We just couldn't seem to get him in. We were having a new fence put in and we were worried the noise would scare him. So we wanted Steel inside while they were doing it. But he turned up just gone 9:20 am and I had to smoke 2 more cigarettes to calm myself down. I managed to sleep pretty good after that.

That's my boring day. And that's my boring post for tonight.

Having second thoughts

I'm having seconds thoughts about quitting smoking. I've been reading up about it on the internet and it seems a pretty difficult thing to do. I'm not much for difficult things. I always do them half-arsed. I'm worried about the withdrawal symptoms and everything. Now that my infection has mostly cleared up I'm back to normal. My smoking doesn't hurt anymore. I don't cough that often. I still have a stuffy nose but it's manageable. My parents still think I'm going to quit. I should probably tell them about my second thoughts. See what they say. They'll probably be annoyed with me. I do sort-of want to quit. Mostly for money reasons now. I'm down to just £563. I need to save some cash. Desperately.

I managed to save 6 cigarettes by not smoking thursday night. I usually have 8. But I only smoked 2. But then I went and ruined it by smoking 6 friday night. Saving only 2 this time. I am trying to cut down. But it's hard. I get bored easily and end up smoking. Particularly in the afternoon. I was asleep mostly today so I didn't smoke that much. I hope to try and repeat thursday night. And only smoke 2 cigarettes instead of 8. But we'll see.

I had second thoughts about the screenplay today as well. I wrote 5 pages of the comic instead. Although re-reading the screenplay it seems good again. I'm so messed up. I doubt I'll ever finish anything else this year. This was supposed to be MY YEAR. But it's gone so horribly wrong. I keep going off the comic and then going back to it. I still like the idea of it. Even if I find it quite difficult and painful to write. It was OK today. Since I mostly cut and paste stuff from the screenplay and edited it to fit the comic. 

I do like comics. It's just I find them a bit awkward. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I didn't use to. When I first started trying to write comics in January 2007. I really enjoyed them. But since then. It's all gone wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't appear to be doing anything wrong. It's all in the mind I guess.

Things have gone better.... (Thankfully)

Since my last post things have gone better. I have had good sleeps, and managed to get my writing back on track. I tried doing the Fade To Black comic on Monday and managed 6 pages of it. But it was mostly copying and pasting stuff from the screenplay. I was having some good fantasies about comics and they featured in my dreams. I'm easily swayed by things like that. But after doing it I knew that it wasn't for me. Although, I would still like to write one someday just now at this present time. I find them too awkward. And hard. I feel so frustrated having to break every movement into separate panels. It annoys me. Not to mention it takes me ages to write one.

I stuck with the screenplay yesterday. And managed 4 pages. I brought the total up to 48 pages. It wasn't as much as I would have liked but it was one better than Sunday. I just wish I could write more though. It could take me months to finish. If I ever finish at all. I was a bit distracted by my fantasies again yesterday admittedly. I hope to do more tonight though. Hopefully. I just don't know with me. I'll need to find more time to write. A increased dosage of my mood stabilizers pills would be helpful. But I don't know when that will happen. I'm supposed to be on a starting dose. So I assume the doctor will increase them at some point. Hopefully soon. I really need them. I couldn't have got this far without them.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I know something will go wrong again.

I was right...

Things went wrong. I didn't write Friday night due to it being the Sabbath start. So it was a welcome break. Then it all went horribly wrong Saturday. I woke up at 9:30 am with tightness in my chest. I decided to smoke. And drank a load of coke. In a matter of minutes I was being sick in the bin. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. 

I tried writing at 8:30 p.m. as normal but I was distracted by my thoughts. I just couldn't do it. I feared this would happen. The problems I had before I had these mood stabilizers returned. I was feeling pretty bad. The day had been utterly terrible. I knew this would happen. I knew this good spell would come to an end. Things never last with me. Something always goes wrong in the end. I just never have any good luck.

Sunday (Today) was better though. I slept till 12 p.m. then again till 4:30 p.m. And I managed to write 3 pages. The total page count is now 44 pages. I almost gave up on the screenplay again! I was thinking of doing it as a comic. I had some good thoughts about it. But When I tried to write it. I just couldn't be bothered. So I went back to the screenplay. I think it's really good. It seems OK to me. It looks nice on the screen. But that means nothing.

I do like it alot. I can't seem to do comics anymore. I've lost the nack for them. I would like to write a comic. I think it could be really good. I visualize it in my head well. But whenever I try to write them. It just doesn't seem that good. I don't know what it is about them. They are a bit awkward to do. I prefer when things flow from one paragraph to another. So I'll stick with the screenplay and (hopefully) I'll get it finished soon.

I did have thoughts of doing it as a radio drama which helped put me off yesterday. But I just don't think it will work when thinking about it logically. But it was a nice thought. I just hope Saturday was a one-off and things will go smoothly from now on.

But I doubt it.

Got some mood stabilizers

My hospital appointment today went quite well. I had a nice doctor and he didn't ask too many complicated questions (I'm stupid) and I could understand him clearly and everything. I wrote down some stuff about how I was feeling and he seemed to pay attention. So it went quite well. He prescribed me some mood stabilizers to help control my manic episodes. I seemed to be on record now as being bipolar which I am thankful about. I've finally been recognized.

The medication is Depakote (valproate semi-sodium) I'm on a starting dose of 500 mg but he hopes to increase it over the next few weeks/months. I just hope it freaking works! I don't know whether or not it'll help with my concentration or not. So I'll have to see how it works out. I had a terrible writing session yesterday I could barely write 1 word. I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept wandering to other things. It was fucking awful. I don't want a repeat of that anymore otherwise I'll get NOTHING finished EVER!

I managed 1 page of my radio drama today. At around 10 am. I couldn't really do anymore as I couldn't concentrate properly. Besides, I was nervous about my hospital appointment and how it would pan out. As it happened, it went well. But I didn't know that at the time. My sleep has been really awful lately too. I think it's because I went to bed at gone 5 am last Wednesday night and it's mucked up my sleeping pattern. I had good sleeps Thursday, friday but not Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was OK but it was a bit awkward to begin with. Today's was flat out terrible. I woke up at 8 am and didn't sleep again until 11 am. I only slept till 1 p.m. I hope it was just because I was nervous. I don't want a repeat of that.

I'm not sure if I want to do the radio drama anymore. I don't think it's working as well as I hoped. I struggled a bit today with it. I might do a mixture of plays snippets and poetry. I had an idea about it last night. It seemed good in my fantasies. I'll see how it goes over the next few days. There's the possibility I'll go back to the comic too. But I'll just have to see how my concentration and everything pans out.

I've done OK with this post. I managed to write it without losing my focus. If that's a sign of things to come then I can't wait!

YAY!

Killing In The Name Rejected

My short detective play Killing In The Name was rejected. I received an email from the 503 Theatre stating that they weren't interested in taking it further. I received it back but didn't get any feedback about why they rejected it. I was kind of hoping they would provide something but nevermind.

Here's the email I received;

To Ian,
Thanks for sending your play through to us at Theatre503.

The piece has now been looked at by a number of people on our reading panel and it has been decided that this is not a project that we wish to pursue at the theatre.

We wish you all the best with the piece. It will be posted back to you in the next few days.

Yours Sincerely,

Steve Harper (Literary Co-Ordinator)

That leaves me with NOTHING to hold out for. KITN was my only hope of success this year. It's the only thing I've managed to finish. 2008 is proving to worse than last year. I had two comics completed by this time. Even though they were utter shit. I had at least completed two things. I've only completed a short play so far. And it doesn't look like I'll be completing anything else either.

I keep changing my mind about what I want to write. I move from Comics, Plays, Novels, Radio and game books. I just can't focus! I can't stick at anything! It's driving me crazy!! How am I supposed to get published if I don't finish anything? I won't. That's the simple answer. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I admit that Killing In The Name was a shitty play. I kept re-reading it over the course of these past few months since I sent it off and I realized how crap it is. I knew it would get rejected so it came really as no surprise. But I was holding out for it. A little piece of me wanted it to succeed because as the way things have gone this it; it was my only hope of success. But that's been well and truly dashed.

I hope I can do this arty/poetic closet screenplay thing. I'm concerned it'll be crap. It won't get published. Or worse yet, I give up on it before it's finished.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I used to be able to finish stuff. When I used to write screenplays between 2001-2005. I wrote for 8 hours a day. Doing 40 odd pages. I finished quite a few but they're all crap. I came close with Fade To Black. (The old version) I was told by PFD agency that he didn't feel enough to take me on. But said it was very good. That was back in September 2005. I then went on to novels. For some reason. I was terrible at novels. That's when my problems started. If I would have stuck with screenplays I might have sold something.

I was getting better all the time. But I had a desire to write novels and moved onto them till 2007 when I went onto comics. Which I also failed at. Then onto plays. Which I enjoy and came close with with Killing Jake. If only I could go back in time and tell myself not to bother with comics and novels and stick with Plays and Screenplays I could've got somewhere.

Or maybe not. I guess I'll never know for sure.

An update and writing Messiah Comic

It's been awhile hasn't it? Over 3 months since I last wrote an entry. Sorry. Nobody cares anyway. I just couldn't be bothered anymore. Things weren't going well for me. The Public Enemy musical turned out to be a total disaster. I received my Killing Jake play back from the Soho theatre. They thought it had some promise but weren't willing to take it any further. Which to me sounded like a polite way of saying it's crap.

I'm still waiting to hear back about my Killing In The Name play but that'll probably be rejected too. But anyway. I have tried to write just about everything these last 3 months. From comics, plays, novels musicals and even game books! But all turned out to be a disaster. They're all crap. And I just couldn't focus or stick at them more than 10 minutes each day. Which isn't good if you're trying to finish something by the end of the year.

2008 has been worse than last year. I have only finished 1 play this year. Last year around this time, I had two comics finished. Sure they were absolutely terrible. But still. I'm in total despair. I can't wait until the day I die.

I decided to write Messiah as a comic book. I managed 8 pages today which is my best all year. I had already done four pages some weeks ago but gave up on it after I couldn't decide on the story. I must have changed the Messiah story at least a hundred times these past two years. But I've finally settled on something and things went well today. I doubt if it will last. I'll mess up tomorrow and won't write anything.

ARGHHHH!!

Stuck

I am really stuck at the moment. I don't have a clue what I should write. I have loads of ideas but I don't really feel passionate about them enough to undertake the long arduous process of writing them.

I've got to do something! I can't just sit on my arse and do nothing! But what!? I managed a page of The Hunter comic on Saturday but since them I haven't written anything. I am completely confused. I have ideas about The Hunter but the passion isn't there. I just don't know what I am going to do.

I wish I was dead. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything. That would be so sweet. But I don't have the methods to kill myself which makes things even more frustrating. If only I had a gun, or drugs or rope or something! Ahhhhhh!!!

I'll need to undertake a deep session of thinking. It may take a while but hopefully at the end it I will have an idea of what to write. But knowing me it'll be crap and I'll never end up finishing it.

Life blows.

Been lazy

I haven't written Tuesday or Wednesday as I was feeling tired. I reread what I had written with Public Enemy and I came to the conclusion that it was total shite. So I'm feeling deeply depressed. I have cried a few times and given some thought to what I should do.

I've decided to abandon Jodie. And instead write my other favourite character Prodigy. But she is so versatile that I can't decide what to do her as. Detective, Vigilante, Messiah, Mercenary etc. She works in just about anything! So I have so long hard thinking to do. I want to write comics. I really do. But I find the whole thing incredibly hard. I don't know why though. Maybe it's because I'm just an untalented idiot.

I tried a vigilante novel today called The Hunter. Which stars Prodigy as the lead character. But it didn't go well at all. I am just to obsessed with writing comics at the moment. But I suck at them. Well, I suck at pretty much every form of writing. I am really, really upset. But I decided to buy some books to see if they could help me. I brought PANEL ONE and PANEL TWO that features top comic scripts by writers.

I'm hoping that I can learn from them. I'm hoping that seeing how other writers write their scripts could help me. I hope so anyway. But I won't get my hopes up.

Getting worse

OK. I've been rushing it a bit. I'm so desperate to see Public Enemy finished. And I think that's caused the quality to slip drastically. It's never going to be published in this state. So since I have finished the first chapter of it. I will go back through and do some much needed editing. I hope I can tidy it up enough to bring it up to publishable standards. I'm worried I won't. I really struggled with it today. The same thing that happened with the other 6 drafts.

When I feel the quality is slipping, like it is, then I tend to get bored of it. And that's what happened today. So I'm desperately hoping I can put an end to this nagging feeling in the back of my mind by doing this editing. If I feel the quality is good then I should be able to continue, and with any luck get it finished.

I so badly want to finish something with Jodie in it. I love her! I keep fantasizing about her all the time. I imagine how brilliant, and popular she is. And all the different comics I could write for her, etc, etc. But so far, I'm on page 23. And I have an awful long way to go. I'm doubting whether I can keep it up.

Oh well. Here's to tomorrow.

Exhausting too

Public Enemy isn't just hard work. I find it very exhausting too. I feel mentally drained. And I'm only on page 11. Arghhh!! I managed 6 pages yesterday, and I'm on course for another six pages today. With two already done. I'm hoping maybe from Monday onwards I can do 8 pages a day again. But like I said, it's very hard work, and very exhausting to do.

I can't wait to go back to writing plays. They were so much easier.

Hard work

This Public Enemy rewrite is blooming hard work. It took me 30 minutes to write two panels. I'm certainly writing in more detail than I did before. Each panel so far has taken up nearly half a page. Admittedly I've only done four panels but still. I'm worried it'll take me twice as long to do now. I mean I know it's quality not quantity but I'm desperate to be published this year. I've been at this writing gig for 7 years now and I haven't sold anything yet. It's driving me crazy! I can't take this nobody business anymore. I want to be a SOMEBODY.

Whether or not I could handle the fame and fortune if it comes is debatable. I have a lot of mental health problems. And I would probably struggle if I was overly famous. But it would be nice if people knew who I was now and again. But anyway. I would post page two but I can't be bothered to boot up windows again. (I use a Macintosh).

But in the meantime I would like to plug my screenwriting software that I use to write my plays and comics. It's called Sophocles. It's absolutely brilliant. I throughly recommend it to anyone.

And end post.

Public Enemy is too alluring

I couldn't write Fade To Black anymore. I just didn't believe in it. I thought it was pretty good by my standards. But not by anyone else's. But the allure of rewriting Public Enemy was too much to resist. I am weak minded. So I rewrote the first page. I think I've done alright. It's a bit rough around the edges. But it's an improvement over the last draft. This is my sixth attempt at it.

So here it is.

PAGE ONE: (2 PANELS)
PANEL ONE

Wide angle shot. Looking down an alleyway, that's about wide enough to fit a car through. On the right hand side, a two-story building of some kind. Some of the windows are boarded up. Others have been smashed. Some sharp, shards of shattered glass lay hopeless around on the cracked, oil-spilled, asphalt tarmac.

There's two sheet-metal garages below. Rusted. Corroded. They look worse for wear. Scrawled in paint across them are -- Keep Out and -- No Parking --.

A damaged metal fire escape lines up around the dilapidated building. The ladder has been lowered down. But it tilts to one side. Broken off it's hinges. Probably vandalized by local hooligans. Tipped over garbage cans spewing their trash to the left. Split black sacks with trash gouging out the side.

Coke cans, torn newspapers and other lightweight junk are being pelted around by the choppy, hurricane-force wind. Thick, impenetrable steam hisses out the sewer grates in the center of the shot. A rotten odor of feces circulates the surrounding area. This place makes hell look like Beverly Hills. You'd want to keep the paying tourists away, that's for sure.

The sky above the scene is blacker than coal. Dense, thunderous clouds surge across the sky like charging bulls, lost and aimless but packing a horrendous punch.

But in the hazy, cream-colored steam. We can make out a shadowy figure of a young girl running towards us.

CAPTION
20th March 2039 - Newcity, England.

PANEL TWO

The young girl comes into full view. It's JODIE SUMMERS. Jodie's a beautiful english rose. About seventeen years old. She's very cuddly, girl-next-door-type look. Jodie has an aroma of sweetness and innocence. Her shoulder-length pitch-black hair is in a loose ponytail. There's the odd few strands running down her young, ethereal face.

Her crystal-blue eyes sharply focused to her wrist. Jodie's staring shockingly at the time. She's clad from neck-to-toe in a cola-black, and rose-red lycra suit. The rose-red are over the limb-joints and breasts. And cola-black everywhere else. It's skin-tight. And molds to Jodie's subtle, fragile body. Which means, it leaves very little to the imagination.

Slugged over her left should is a Heckler & Koch PSG-1 sniper rifle. It swings in motion to Jodie's rapid movements.

The dire wind belts around newspapers, and coke cans. They rattle, and roll around Jodie's tired feet. The newspapers explode into the air, shot down the alleyway like a speeding bullet.

JODIE SUMMERS
Must hurry myself up. I don't have time on my side.

What do you think? Better than the fifth draft that I posted? I hope so. Please tell me it is. I'm going crazy with despair over the whole thing. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!

Page Two, Fade To Black

Better or worse? I hope better. I'm really focused on making this the best comic ever. Or at least a comic that's someway publishable. I hope I can finish it though. I have this problem of not finishing things I start. I'm trying to correct that this year. And so far I have failed miserably.

But it's only March. So I can still improve. Anyway, here's Page two from my spy-thriller Graphic Novel, Fade To Black.

PAGE TWO: (3 PANELS)
PANEL ONE

Jodie crash lands on the puddle-infected deck. The force of the impact sends her almost to her knees. The Union Jack parachute flops down beside her. Tremendous frothy waves of salt-water smash over the side of the ship. They snake around the wooden deck, eating away at all the corroded steel.

The boat leaps up and down in the delinquent Atlantic. The hurricane force wind belts into Jodie's face. Causing her hair to dance around drunkenly on her head.

JODIE SUMMERS
Oomph!

PANEL TWO

The tornado wind pelts underneath the parachute. It surges it into the gloomy sky, dragging Jodie backwards. She has to fight it with every inch of strength in her slim-body. Jodie eases herself forward. Her face screwed up in pain. The chute flaps around violently from side to side.

More astronomical waves lash over the side of the boat. Striking the stone-cold metal like charging bulls. Thunderous rain plunges to the wooden deck. They hit everything in sight. The storm over the Atlantic grows ever more violent.

JODIE SUMMERS
Ugh!

PANEL THREE

A small panel up close with Jodie's parachute belt. Jodie's frozen hands tap onto the release mechanism. And the belt snaps loose.

SFX
PING!

I think it's better than what I was doing with Public Enemy. But still... It might not yet be good enough to be published. As much I would love to have it publish. I might have a lot of hard work still ahead of me. I'll keep trying. I don't plan to give up on comics yet. I want to write this thing. I want to make it as good as I can. And naturally, I want it published.

I'm trying to be a different writer

I sent Ragnell an email asking for a link. But she never responded. Did I say something wrong? Have I upset her in anyway? I hope not. I read her blog. I don't agree with her feminist views. But I do see an element of sexism in comics. That's a revelation coming from me! I'm probably the most nastiest misogynist on planet Earth.

But saying that, I'm trying to be different. I want Jodie Summers (my spy character) to be a non-sexualized heroine. She doesn't wear skimpy clothes. She doesn't have over-sized breasts. I want her to be a heroine for girls everywhere. Someone they can look up to and aspire to be like. She's strong. Smart. Sexy (but not overly). Powerful. She's the ideal heroine.

OK, I intend for Jodie to have right-wing politics like me. If and when I get into the political stuff. But my intention is for all girls regardless of politics to rally behind her. She's my hero. And I want her to be everyone else's hero too.

I'm trying to set myself apart from all the other bozo-macho writers out there that feel the need to turn their female characters into lust objects for horny teenage boys. Jodie isn't like that. That's not to say she won't be good looking. I hope the artist who ever draws her can make her as cute as I imagine in my head. But at the same time. I hope they won't over do it too much and turn her into a bimbo that's only good for eye candy.

I WOULD TOTALLY HATE THAT!

Fade To Black, Panel 2

Here's the rough draft of panel two.

PANEL TWO
Front of the ship. Jodie comes in for landing. She yanks on the strings, hard. There are hundreds of red and blue corroded metal containers dotted randomly across the ship. A few in shot for this panel. The heavens have opened up, and thousands of water-like missiles plummet down to the wooden deck.

They strike Jodie with savage vehemence. Her hair has become soaked to the bone. Water-droplets dribble down her exquisite face.

CAPTION
Just great. It would have to rain.

I think it's getting better. But I have this nagging feeling that it's total tripe. What ever am I going to do? I'm trying as hard as I can. But it appears as if my best isn't good enough. Maybe comics isn't for me after all. I don't want to quit. I have a story to tell. I have an excellent character that needs to be put out there. Jodie could be huge! She could be the real rival to James Bond. But no-one will ever know. And that makes me depressed.

Fade To Black Graphic Novel

Maybe I was too quick to eject myself from comics. I got a bit overly depressed. That happens with my bipolar disorder. I've thought things through. And I've decided to give Public Enemy a much deserved rest. It's a little too fresh in my mind to contemplate a re-write at this moment in time.

So, I've decided to move onto another comic that I've rewritten hundreds of times: Fade To Black. Yes, it's another spy-thriller. And yes, it stars Jodie Summers. I have this thing for spy-thrillers. I have a desire to be a famous spy-writer. I hope Jodie can rival James Bond. That's my aim anyway.

I've roughly written the first panel. And here it is.

PAGE ONE:
PANEL ONE

A good shot of JODIE SUMMERS. Jodie's a beautiful english rose. Very cuddly, girl-next-door type look. She has an aroma of sweetness and innocence. Jodie has pitch-black hair, that's in a loose ponytail. With the odd few strands running down her young, ethereal face. Her crystal-blue eyes are focused downwards, towards something in the corner.

Jodie's parachuting through the brooding, grim midnight air. Impenetrable thunder clouds surge across the coal-black sky. They're like a herd of wild beasts running lost and aimless, charging with concrete force.

Jodie has an Union Jack parachute. She tugs on the chute strings trying her best, to guide herself through the hazy, black fog that dishevels itself across the boisterous Atlantic Ocean.

Mammoth sized Atlantic waves chandelle forward. Slicing, and dicing each other to pieces like razor sharps kitchen-knives. The whole ocean explodes with fierce intensity. The choppy gale-force wind howls violently to itself. It fuels the monsoon like gasoline in a oil-fire.

Just in shot, to the right: a gigantic crimson cargo ship bobs roughly up and down in the inclement seas.

CAPTION
Wednesday 31st December 2008.

CAPTION
Atlantic Ocean.

I'm thinking it's a little better. It's still rough. Still maybe needs some work. But it's better than Public Enemy, right? Please, tell me that it is. I re-read the making of a comic on Dark Horse. And I read the script throughly. And now, I'm trying to implement more complex descriptions. Give it a bit more Oomph!

Maybe I've still failed.

What to do now?

I'm really concerned about the Public Enemy Graphic Novel. I am convinced it's total tripe. So what do I do now? I am really tempted to abandon it and just concede that I can't write comic books. As much as I would love to write one. I simply don't have the talent. So what's next?

I don't want to give up on Jodie Summers. She's my baby. Yeah. Yeah. She's fictional. But Jodie wouldn't give up on me. And I feel guilty that I can't finish a creative work with her in it. It's been two years since I created her. I've attempted hundreds of works featuring her. But none finished.

She's just too hard to write. I always fail with her. Always. So what's next? I have several options. I could return to theatre and write another play.  I could write a Radio drama. Or I could write a novel. I'll be rubbish at all three. But I have no other option. March has proved to be a disastrous month for me.

Comics are just too hard. Too painful. I want to do Jodie so bad. I owe her one. So I just have to try and think of something else to put her in. Maybe a play. Maybe a radio drama. I've tried Novels before. And I have completely failed. 

It's description I'm terrible at. And dialogue. And characterization. And EVERYTHING! Why don't I have any talent? I'm always getting screwed over. I'm just bad luck. If only I had some rope... or  a shotgun or something. I could put an end to my stupid, worthless, life in an instant.

But I don't. So I'll have to struggle on.

Public Enemy Graphic Novel, Page 3

Here's the third page from my spy-thriller Graphic Novel: (starring my favourite character Jodie Summers)

PAGE THREE: (3 PANELS)
PANEL ONE

SIDE ON VIEW. Jodie sprints across the street. WE'RE about half-way across. Another alley-way just out of sight to the left. WE CAN SEE down the street. And mostly importantly the city-backdrop. There are hundreds of tall, glistening, depressing SKYSCRAPERS. With that odd DOME SHAPE at the top. And a nice needle rising high into the blackened air.

Jodie continues to PUFF, PANT and WHEEZE. Her PSG-1 slops from side to side in tune. The FULL MOON is dead center in the chilly-sky. A few clouds here and there, but the sky remains clear. Jodie's running over the sewer-grate. HAZY-STEAM swallows up her young-legs.

CAPTION
"This city stinks. Why did I ever move here? I was much happier in Great Yarmouth. Quiet, little seaside resort. Where everyone knows your name. Heaven."

PANEL TWO

BEHIND SHOT. Jodie dashed up the alleyway that's now in SHOT. WE'RE still at the beginning of it. To the LEFT-HAND SIDE is a broken, rotted wooden fence. Pieces of wood are missing from it. Some have half-collapsed. Graffiti has been spoiled onto it. Random slogans: FX, PRODIGY, 3:16.

Through the gaps in the fence WE CAN SEE overgrown grass that looks almost dead. It's a very dull GREEN-COLOR. There's a shopping trolley dump on it, as well as other heaps of household waste. To the RIGHT-HANDS SIDE is a building wall. It's covered by SOOT, DIRT and GRIME. There's chips in the brickwork.

A cracked set of concrete slabs that have spilled OIL on them lead up the alleyway. There's two METAL-TRASH CANS with the lids missing, and flies buzzing round the overflowing garbage. Also some BLACK-RUBBISH SACKS that have been dumped by them. Maybe there's a split in one where some trash creeps out of.

CAPTION
"Look at this city. How'd it get so bad? Do people round here just not care? Are people these days just too lazy to clean up?"

PANEL THREE

A SMALL PANEL skewed on the end. WE HOLD the same SHOT. But Jodie's disappeared up the alleyway. She's a mere shadowy figure now.

No matter how hard I try. It just seems to suck. :-(

Thinking about praise I've received

I was thinking just a few moments ago, after the post about how crap I am. About the praise that I've received for some of my work. I haven't had many. But that's because I've barely finished anything. But I did finish my theatre play Killing Jake.

I sent it off to PFD. And Although it was rejected. I got this nice little compliment. It's not much. But it made me feel good.

I've now read the play and I am afraid that, although I do see that you write well, it's just not to my taste. Obviously, my reaction is purely subjective.

That was from Giles Smart. Although, rejecting my play like that. He doesn't seem that smart. (hehehe). And that's basically it. I definitely need to finish more stuff and get them sent off. Otherwise, I'll never make it as anything.

I have so far this year, finished two plays. Killing Jake (as mentioned) and Killing in the Name. Both of them are short. Between 55-60 pages respectably. And I was hoping to write a longer one. But, ah, never mind.

I'm on my Graphic Novel at the moment. But it's not going well. I find it very painful, and arduous to write. And as mention in the post below. My descriptions seem utterly crap. I need to improve. I need to improve. I need to improve.

Hopefully I will. I've been getting better. That's a positive at least. I mean the first four versions of it were the most crappiest thing you've ever seen. Take my word for it. They were plain shit. But with this fifth draft. I have completely seen an improvement. But I'm afraid it's still not good enough to be published.

I must try harder. I must try harder. I need to improve. I need to improve.