Disaster! But I got my money back...

My writing this month has been a total disaster! It's pretty obvious to anyone who reads my attempts at poetry that I clearly don't have the talent for it. But that hasn't stopped me from keep trying all month long. I've attempted to do Red October as an epic poem. It started quite well but I got stuck where I always get stuck. Trying to move Jodie Summers from one location to the next.

Any kind of movement is proving tough to write in verse. I probably should do more reading. But I can't be bothered. Which is why I fail so much. I'm too lazy. I need to get my arse into gear in the new year and do more reading. I have loads of books that I haven't read yet. Many of them I purchased quite recently. I spent another £42 on Amazon on buying improving lyrics/song-writing because I thought I wanted to do a musical. I had lots of great fantasies about it (and still do). I still have the load of poetry books that I brought that I still haven't go around to reading not mention plays as well which I half-started.

I'll keep plugging at it for sure. I don't intend to give up just yet. There's nothing else I want to write at the moment. I have thought about going back to comics and had some interesting fantasies about them but they burn out after a few hours and I back to thinking about being a poet. I'll have to try harder at poetry than at any other medium. It's bloody tough. I can't do this half-arsed like I usually do. I need to really put the effort in. That in itself is hard too. I've become so lazy that it going to take a miracle for me to snap out of it. But I have to force myself. Another year is nearly over and I only finished two plays. A total disaster.

I honestly thought 2008 would be MY YEAR. But it hasn't turned out to be that way. I was plagued by indecisiveness and poor concentration. I'm still indecisive but the concentration has got slightly better although I can't write poetry for more than an hour. So it's slipping again. The only person who can get me famous/successful is ME! I have to try much, much, much harder next year and throughout the remainder of this year. Time is running out for me. I can start by doing more reading. I need to set aside specific times for reading. And STICK TO IT!!!

I got my money back which was stolen from me. It turned out to be more than I thought. They nicked £630 from me through card skimming. I've spent most of that now. Unfortunately. I've down to a mere £472. It'll probably to continue to get lower. I fear I may run out of money sometime next year if I don't cut back on my spending habits. I became ill on Thursday with a sickness bug. I felt terrible. But it's cleared now just in time for christmas.

HO HO HO!!

Trying to write poetry

I've spent this last week or so since finishing my play trying to write poetry. But I suck at it. I've been doing some reading too. But nothing really makes sense. I just can't seem to grasp meter. I sent off my Fade To Black play to the Bush Theatre. I also sent off some old poems I found to Agenda magazine. They'll both be rejected. Both are shit. I've been trying to write Public Enemy as an epic narrative poem. But I keep fucking it up. It seems to crap and poor. I've got some rhyming in it but I'm being worked into a corner because of it. I need to do more reading.

I might just do single poems instead for the time being and leave the epic poem until I've had some stuff published and gained more confidence. Which means it'll never be written. I could always do it as another play but I really fancy poetry. Even though I suck. I have no talent. It's pretty obvious if you read any of my work. I understand metaphor, smilie, imagery etc but it's just meter I can't get my head round. I've been reading several different books and I still don't get it.

I was thinking of trying to write to a set rhythm to see if that worked. If I can get some sort of musical beat to it when read and avoid rhyme where possible I should be OK. Shouldn't I? I don't know. I'll have to try and report back.

Everything came together

Everything came together today. I had an excellent sleep. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play. It's going well so far I think. But I don't really know what's good or bad. My books arrived. And so did my X20 box set. I've been listening to the remix CD so far. And I absolutely love it. Some top class tracks. I can't wait to listen to the rest. I'm really getting into Suicide Commando. 

I managed 3 pages yesterday of my play. It went rather good too. I felt quite proud of myself. My sleep wasn't good but it was manageable. I might not smoke when I first wake up as that ruins my sleep. I didn't today and I slept till 11:30 am. Which was brilliant! I just hope it can continue. I just hope I can finish my play. I had some doubt yesterday about it. I had a reoccurrence of the comic fantasy and I was tempted to write that today but it's gone now. I think play writing is for me. I would love to do poetry too. But I don't know whether I have the talent for it. It'll be really, really hard. If I can get Fade To Black published then it should give me a much needed confidence boast to tackle poetry. I can't yet as I am desperate to get something finished and published. Poetry would be too hard to do now. And I'm running out of time. Someone could still steal Jodie Summers.

Please, God. Let something go right for me.

Thank you.

It's hard being talentless

I didn't write yesterday. I was going to do the comic but I got put off. I just couldn't do it. I became horribly depressed and felt like crying. I couldn't decide anymore what type of writer I wanted to be. I didn't know what medium to do. So I spent the night thinking about it and I realized that I wanted to be a playwright and poet. Even though I suck at poetry. I wanted to write, and enjoy it. I wanted to immerse myself in it. Which meant only one thing. I needed to spend more money that I didn't have. Sigh.

I went to Amazon and I searched for classic poetry works. And I brought; Divine Comedy, Beowulf, William Blake collection and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I wanted to buy alot more than that but it would have cost too much. The total was £40. I just hope they can prove useful. The journalist books that I brought were a complete waste of money. £46 gone down the drain. I didn't need them. It was a silly idea. But there's nothing I can do about it. Sigh.

I didn't have a particularly great sleep today. I thought things would go wrong. I knew that my old routine would work for 2 days then go wrong. And I was proven right. It took me till nearly 6 am to fall asleep. I woke up at 8:15 am. I smoked two cigarettes, and took me another couple of hours to fall asleep again. I eventually slept till 5 p.m which I guess makes up for the times it took to fall asleep in the first place. I was worried though my writing would go wrong. I haven't written well in the past 3 days. I would be doing the Fade To Black play. I attempted it before but it has always gone wrong. But thankfully tonight it went OK. I managed 6 pages of it. I would have liked to done more. But I probably won't until I take the Valproate Semi-Sodium increase which won't be for another few days.

I just hope I can finish this play soon and get it sent off. Then pray for it to be accepted. I need it badly. My life is falling apart before my very eyes. I need some luck for once. It's hard being talentless.

They might be working

I think these mood stabilizers are working. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play last night. It wasn't particularly awe inspiring. But my mind didn't wander at all. I was completely focused. No fantasies or other thoughts getting in my way. It was like heaven. I've been waiting for that for months, and months on end. WHY DIDN'T I GET THEM SOONER?

I have no idea. But I am thankful I have them now. I've abandoned the play and radio play and the comic and guess what? That's right. I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore. But I'm going back to the screenplay version. I am quite confident about it. I didn't write in enough detail the first time round. I will strip the poetic descriptions from it and re-write all 23 pages from scratch. It'll take me a while. But if I can concentrate as well as I think then it should be a breeze.

But we'll see.

Got some mood stabilizers

My hospital appointment today went quite well. I had a nice doctor and he didn't ask too many complicated questions (I'm stupid) and I could understand him clearly and everything. I wrote down some stuff about how I was feeling and he seemed to pay attention. So it went quite well. He prescribed me some mood stabilizers to help control my manic episodes. I seemed to be on record now as being bipolar which I am thankful about. I've finally been recognized.

The medication is Depakote (valproate semi-sodium) I'm on a starting dose of 500 mg but he hopes to increase it over the next few weeks/months. I just hope it freaking works! I don't know whether or not it'll help with my concentration or not. So I'll have to see how it works out. I had a terrible writing session yesterday I could barely write 1 word. I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept wandering to other things. It was fucking awful. I don't want a repeat of that anymore otherwise I'll get NOTHING finished EVER!

I managed 1 page of my radio drama today. At around 10 am. I couldn't really do anymore as I couldn't concentrate properly. Besides, I was nervous about my hospital appointment and how it would pan out. As it happened, it went well. But I didn't know that at the time. My sleep has been really awful lately too. I think it's because I went to bed at gone 5 am last Wednesday night and it's mucked up my sleeping pattern. I had good sleeps Thursday, friday but not Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was OK but it was a bit awkward to begin with. Today's was flat out terrible. I woke up at 8 am and didn't sleep again until 11 am. I only slept till 1 p.m. I hope it was just because I was nervous. I don't want a repeat of that.

I'm not sure if I want to do the radio drama anymore. I don't think it's working as well as I hoped. I struggled a bit today with it. I might do a mixture of plays snippets and poetry. I had an idea about it last night. It seemed good in my fantasies. I'll see how it goes over the next few days. There's the possibility I'll go back to the comic too. But I'll just have to see how my concentration and everything pans out.

I've done OK with this post. I managed to write it without losing my focus. If that's a sign of things to come then I can't wait!

YAY!

Fade To Black Report

I wrote 4 pages of Fade To Black novel-cum-screenplay last night around 10pm. I started off by trying to get it to rhyme but ended up abandoning it after two paragraphs. I will maybe go back after it's finish and add the necessary poetry to it. It's not very arty. I haven't a clue how to make it so. I have no idea what I'm talking about when I say 'arty.'

Here's a brief scene.

EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN.

A gigantic, crimson, cargo ship bobs through the delinquent Atlantic Ocean. Its fog horn sounds out into the weary, pitch-black, foggy sky. The plundering rain isn't shy about pummeling the surrounding area with seething droplets of clear water.

An airliner swoops over head. A human-shaped package drops down. An union-Jack parachute opens. The human shaped figure sinks down to the ship.

LESNAR (OFF)
You've been called into action.

JODIE SUMMERS (OFF)
What's the purpose?

LESNAR (OFF)
I can't give details here. It's highly classified. We will drop you over the Atlantic Ocean. The purpose of the mission will be revealed there.

JODIE SUMMERS (OFF)
Understood.

There's some rhyme to it. But not enough to satisfy me. I will, like I said, go back at the end once it's all finished and add the rhyme. If I finish it at all. I kinda like what I've written so far. I added another two pages around 5pm today. Brining the total to six. I hope to write again tonight and maybe add another 2-5 pages.

I've started well. Not perfect. But a good start. I will continue to edit, modify and rewrite the parts as I see fit. So hopefully, fingers crossed, I can write something that publishable. Providing of course; I FINISH IT!!

That's the big problem I face. I get bored and distracted easily by other ideas. My bipolar doesn't help since that fuels my creativity and idea generation. If things continue to go well. And I feel that Fade To Black is alright then I should more-or-less finish it. But if I think the quality drops or don't think I've written it correctly then I tend to give up on it and move onto something else. Repeat.

The Last Words Of Dutch Schultz

I have very much enjoyed this book. I found highly entertaining and quirky. I hope to start my own closet screenplay sometime tonight. I am going to do Fade To Black. I have definably decided on that. I hope to mold genres into a spy type narrative all written in a poetic/arty screenplay format.

I know I say that. But I don't know for sure if it's going to work. I won't know until I try so I'll post about how it went. I've been having lots of fantasies about it today. I imagine it to be hugely popular and start a sort of literature revolution. It sounds silly, but I was really involved in it. I hope I can write good. I know I can. I just haven't been living up to my standards that I know I am capable of. I seem to start well then descend into utter crap. This has to be different. This screenplay may be my only chance of getting published this year. Or even finishing something this year other than my Killing In The Name play.

The arty thing is going to be difficult. I will try to inject some quirky/bizarre scenes into it like William Borroughs did with The Last Words. I will also make the dialogue and descriptions poetic as I can. And sort of a mixture of long and short jagged sentences. That hopefully rhyme. I will have The Last words by my side as I write and try to borrow as much as I can from it without ripping it off.

Please. Please, God. Make it work for me.

Writing a closet screenplay

I've been reading The Last Word of Dutch Schultz By William S. Burroughs. It's a literary book written in the form of a screenplay. I am thinking of writing one of my own. It's really inspired me to do something like it. I hope I can get it published THEN turned into a film. I was thinking of doing Messiah or Fade To Black. The plays weren't going well. I tried Fade To Black but couldn't get the dialogue right. I've been doing Messiah off and on. It's turned out OK but it would be better suited as an arty screenplay.

Which is what I was thinking of doing. I like the idea of doing an arty/poetic type closet screenplay. That really appeals to me. I'll be hopefully starting it within the next few days as I am going through a maniac episode at the moment and my mind is racing with thoughts and fantasies about it and I just can't concentrate at the moment to sit down longer enough to write it.

I have started to get into Alice In Chains. I brought their Dirt album and loved it. It's so amazing! I've been listening to it non-stop for the past few days. I decided to buy their Music Bank Box Set. It cost me £21. Which isn't bad. 

In the meantime I took a little test to see how tortured I was. And I came out pretty high which didn't surprise me at all. I am really tortured in my twisted, idiotic head.

I am 92% Tortured Artist.

Angst, and bitter resentment drive me to create works that not a single idot will ever come close to grasping. Ah, the raw and unforgiving statements that bleed from my soul are so misunderstood.

Take the
Tortured Artist Test
@ FualiDotCom

Public Enemy: The Musical

I've moved back to Public Enemy. I didn't think I'd ever write that idea again. But I'm on fire at the moment. I'm mixing Drama, Music and Poetry together to create an audio masterpiece. Or at least I hope so anyway. I haven't completely given up on The Hunter. I found that easier to write than Public Enemy. But my heart's not really in it.

Although I hope to finish both of them soon. I'm not writing as much as I like too. I'm being very, very lazy at the moment. I've only done 4 pages and I started it three days ago. It's going very, very slowly. I would love to pick up my pace as I really want to finish it quickly and get it sent off.

But that seems unlikely at the moment. It'll probably take me a couple of months to do. And I'm worried that 2008 will be like 2007 in that I hardly finish anything. I don't want that to happen. I want to be published in some form or another this year. And the way things are looking at the moment that doesn't seem likely to happen either.

ARGHHHHH!!!

I'm enjoying writing it. It's different. And fun. If a little hard.