The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

It's been a few days. I can't be bothered to update very day. I don't have much to say. I've had good writing sessions this week. I managed 6 pages each on Saturday and Sunday. I didn't write Monday as I got stuck and couldn't think of the solution to the scene I was trying to write. But I worked it out and Tuesday I managed an amazing 10 pages! It was incredible! Wednesday didn't go so well. I managed 5 pages. But I wrote an awkward scene that I'm thinking of deleting. The dialogue for it is terrible. The character I added were awful too. So I'll most likely end up removing that odd page. It really brings the play down. Tonight I managed another incredible session with 9 pages written. My Fade To Black play is now at 70 pages. I think I might manage 90 at this rate! It would be my longest ever play! Admittedly, I've only written 2 others. But they were 55 pages and 60 pages respectably.

My sleep has been generally good too. I couldn't sleep Tuesday so I had to take another sleeping pill. But it didn't stop me from writing (thankfully). I've been spending money again after visiting Amazon. I brought Sieben; a triple CD album by Agonoize. That should arrive tomorrow. I also brought Marlowe: The complete plays. I also got The Complete Dramatic works of Samuel Beckett, and the collected poems of William Wordsworth. That was on Friday night. Then last night I brought two Tech N9ne albums. £8 and £9 each. They are; Ever-ready, and Killer. I quite pleased. It's been a good week with the odd exception.

My Social Work Gavin came again today. It was a bit awkward at first. I was meant to do some homework by listing 5 problems and coming up with a solution for them. But I couldn't be bothered to do it. But he kept asking me why. So I sat in silence for ten minutes looking at the floor. But I warmed up and it went OK from that point onwards.

That's it really. Nothing more for me to say.

Goodbye.

Come again soon.

An update

I haven't posted for a few days. I just couldn't be bothered. But things are going well. I've had good sleeps and good writing sessions since my last post. I also have a new social worker called Gavin Palmer. He's a little direct. He wants me to have a more fulfilling life than I have now. Which I suppose is a good thing. But I guess I like my life. It's not perfect. I hardly ever go outside. I don't have any friends. Never had a girlfriend. But I do enjoy myself. Admittedly, I get depressed at times. And wish I was dead. But that only happens when my writing goes bad. I'm still hoping that my writing pays off and success and fortune comes my way. Then maybe I'll consider going out more etc.

I feel everything that normal people have will follow once I get successful. That's how I envision it in my head. Gavin's a nice bloke. But I worry about the what he'll try and get me to do. I don't know if I even want to go out. Not at the moment. I'm quite contended. I know he can't force me. So I am always in control. But I succumb to nagging. If he nags me enough then I will probably do what he wants. And that scares me. I suffer from anxiety alot. So it's going to be tough going from now. I just hope I can pull through.

As I mentioned, Fade To Black play is going quite well. I'm up to 33 pages. I'm worried about the dialogue. It seems a bit weak. I don't know if it fits Jodie's character or not. I do struggle with dialogue. I should probably read that book I brought on it. But I haven't as of yet. I don't know if it's going to be performed/published or not. I hope it is. The year is nearly at an end and I have only finished 1 play which was Killing In The Name. That got rejected because it was crap. I'm still worried someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I need desperately to get something else finished and hopefully published or performed. But I don't know if Fade To Black is the one to make it happen. I enjoy writing it and everything but I'm worried it's crap. I fear it is crap. Am I a terrible writer? Am I a hack? Will I ever get published? Successful?

My whole life depends on it. I can't stand this lack of success anymore. I WANT TO BE PUBLISHED!!

Good, Bad, Good

I managed 5 pages on Saturday. So that was good. But I had a poor sleep. So that was bad. I had a good sleep sunday. So that was good. But I didn't write much due to being distracted by the formula one racing. So that was bad. I had a good sleep monday and a good writing session. So I'm pleased. I've had a good sleep today too. So I just hope my writing goes well.

More later.

Everything came together

Everything came together today. I had an excellent sleep. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play. It's going well so far I think. But I don't really know what's good or bad. My books arrived. And so did my X20 box set. I've been listening to the remix CD so far. And I absolutely love it. Some top class tracks. I can't wait to listen to the rest. I'm really getting into Suicide Commando. 

I managed 3 pages yesterday of my play. It went rather good too. I felt quite proud of myself. My sleep wasn't good but it was manageable. I might not smoke when I first wake up as that ruins my sleep. I didn't today and I slept till 11:30 am. Which was brilliant! I just hope it can continue. I just hope I can finish my play. I had some doubt yesterday about it. I had a reoccurrence of the comic fantasy and I was tempted to write that today but it's gone now. I think play writing is for me. I would love to do poetry too. But I don't know whether I have the talent for it. It'll be really, really hard. If I can get Fade To Black published then it should give me a much needed confidence boast to tackle poetry. I can't yet as I am desperate to get something finished and published. Poetry would be too hard to do now. And I'm running out of time. Someone could still steal Jodie Summers.

Please, God. Let something go right for me.

Thank you.

It's hard being talentless

I didn't write yesterday. I was going to do the comic but I got put off. I just couldn't do it. I became horribly depressed and felt like crying. I couldn't decide anymore what type of writer I wanted to be. I didn't know what medium to do. So I spent the night thinking about it and I realized that I wanted to be a playwright and poet. Even though I suck at poetry. I wanted to write, and enjoy it. I wanted to immerse myself in it. Which meant only one thing. I needed to spend more money that I didn't have. Sigh.

I went to Amazon and I searched for classic poetry works. And I brought; Divine Comedy, Beowulf, William Blake collection and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I wanted to buy alot more than that but it would have cost too much. The total was £40. I just hope they can prove useful. The journalist books that I brought were a complete waste of money. £46 gone down the drain. I didn't need them. It was a silly idea. But there's nothing I can do about it. Sigh.

I didn't have a particularly great sleep today. I thought things would go wrong. I knew that my old routine would work for 2 days then go wrong. And I was proven right. It took me till nearly 6 am to fall asleep. I woke up at 8:15 am. I smoked two cigarettes, and took me another couple of hours to fall asleep again. I eventually slept till 5 p.m which I guess makes up for the times it took to fall asleep in the first place. I was worried though my writing would go wrong. I haven't written well in the past 3 days. I would be doing the Fade To Black play. I attempted it before but it has always gone wrong. But thankfully tonight it went OK. I managed 6 pages of it. I would have liked to done more. But I probably won't until I take the Valproate Semi-Sodium increase which won't be for another few days.

I just hope I can finish this play soon and get it sent off. Then pray for it to be accepted. I need it badly. My life is falling apart before my very eyes. I need some luck for once. It's hard being talentless.

Things get a bit better

I only managed 1 page of the screenplay last night. I just wasn't into it. But today I had an pretty amazing sleep. So things appear to be getting better but I won't jump the gun until I write tonight to see how many pages I do. I hope can get back to normal. I went back to my old routine last night. Smoking before bed and eating at 3:14 am. It worked. I slept well. So maybe I'll continue until things go wrong again.

Sleep disaster!

I haven't slept much today. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know what went wrong. I had to take another sleeping pill at 10 am to fall asleep. I only managed 5 and half hours. This new 'pattern' of mine isn't working. I may go back to my old routine to see if that works. My sleeping is so messed up at the moment since I got that throat infection. I don't know what I'm going to do if that doesn't work. I'll have to maybe get some new sleeping pills. If there are any new ones other than Zolpidem. I like sleeping. It makes me happy. I like the weird dreams I have. They make me happy. I can't keep taking two sleeping pills a day!

Fingers crossed for tonight.

Went back to the comic

I decided to go back to the Fade To Black comic. I managed 8 pages. But that was mostly cuttin' and pastin' stuff from the screenplay. I think it's crap though. I've gone off comics again. Stupid me. I can't stop fantasizing about writing them and when I do I end up going off them for a few days then it repeats. I am truly messed up. Stupid crappy brain. Still though, 8 pages is 8 pages. Regardless of whether I'll be proceeding with the comic or not. It was a welcome break from the screenplay. Even though I won't be writing tomorrow night due to it being the start of the Sabbath.

I've been spending money again. I brought X20 4 CD box set from Suicide Commando. As well as their 2 disc anthology. It cost me £29 in total. Although the box set was RRP £34.99 and the anthology was RRP £12.99. I had the money saved up as left overs from cigarettes and shopping. So it's not like I went too crazy. Although the same thing happened again. I went to Amazon and ended up spending a load of money. I hadn't been for a while. I was trying to save some money. But the moment the page loads up I knew I had to spend, spend, spend. I learned of Suicide Commando from Itunes. I listened to their Axis Of Evil album which I'll be getting for christmas. And I just fell in love with it. So I knew I had to buy something of theirs as soon as possible. I really couldn't wait 2 months for it.

My sleep has been better. I repeated the routine from yesterday; not smoking before bed, having less to eat, and having it sooner. And it seems to be working. I also smoke 2 cigarettes when I wake up no matter how desperate I am for more. Although, my cat Steel went missing for 30 minutes this morning. We just couldn't seem to get him in. We were having a new fence put in and we were worried the noise would scare him. So we wanted Steel inside while they were doing it. But he turned up just gone 9:20 am and I had to smoke 2 more cigarettes to calm myself down. I managed to sleep pretty good after that.

That's my boring day. And that's my boring post for tonight.

Rough few days

I've had a rough few days. I didn't write Sunday. I was put off by my thoughts. I had roughs sleeps as well so that didn't help. I managed 2 pages Monday and 4 pages Tuesday. But my sleep was terrible. Thankfully I've tried to do something different and it seems to work. I didn't smoke before I went to bed. And I had something to eat a little earlier. And that worked today. So I'm happy. My cough has progressed to getting worse. I really ought to quit smoking. But I can't imagine myself without a cigarette. Terrible I know.

The screenplay is now up to 64 pages. But it's going slow. I keep imaging doing other things. Comics, novels, plays etc. My mind is constantly coming up with new ideas that end up putting me off the screenplay. That happened Sunday. I came up with the idea of doing a children's book starring my old teddy bear D.K. Jr. It annoys me. I need to finish something. Something with Jodie Summers in it before someone steals her name. But all I can think about is doing Prodigy. Or doing something other than the screenplay. It's driving me crazy!!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY TWISTED MIND!?

I suck so bad. I really want to finish something this year other than my crappy play Killing In The Name. I've really failed this year. 2008 has been utterly terrible in terms of writing. I just couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to write. And I still can't. It would be foolish to give up on the screenplay now though. I've got so far through it. It's pretty decent I think. Probably not good enough to be published. But I think I could get some decent feedback (if any).

I just hope I can put these thoughts to one side and finish the screenplay. Otherwise I'll be back to square one again.

Sigh.

Throat infection... Might quit smoking

I've got a throat infection. I was coughing badly all day yesterday. I also gained a headache, sore throat, fever and a stuffy nose. It was horrible. I thought I had throat cancer or something. I was getting quite worried. It had cleared up a bit now but the cough is still there. And I'm worried my smoking is making it worse. The doctor said it should clear up by itself. But if it doesn't I'll need some antibiotics. I couldn't sleep at all last night as I was coughing so bad. I didn't dare smoke for fear of making it worse.

This has really frightened me. I see it as a warning of things to come if I continue smoking. So I've decided to try and give up. Or at least cut down on the amount I smoke to just a few a day. It'll be hard. Everyone has told me that. And I need a lot of will power to succeed. But my dad managed to give up smoking and my sister too. So I hope I can do it as well. I don't like coughing. It annoys me. It hurts too. I don't mind the occasional one or two. But the way I've been doing it you'd think I'd been smoking for fifty years! (2 and half actually).

The problem would be finding what to replace it with. I smoke at set times throughout the day. And it'll be hard to break the habit. I fear I won't succeed. Or I'll do what I am currently doing right now; Being half-arsed about it. I do enjoy smoking don't get me wrong. I love it. Or at least I think I do. It does bring me some joy. And it helps ease my anger and calms me down when I'm high. But I don't want to be those types of people that can't stop coughing. I dread that. So I have no other choice. I could save £200 a month too. Which would really help me out as my money is getting low again.

I'll wait for this information pack from the NHS to arrive and take things from there. Despite my illness I managed 4 pages yesterday and 4 pages today. Which isn't bad considering how ill I was. So I should be pleased. It's starting to come along nicely. I just hope I can finish it. And get it published! I AM SO DESPERATE!!

Fingers crossed.

Things have gone better.... (Thankfully)

Since my last post things have gone better. I have had good sleeps, and managed to get my writing back on track. I tried doing the Fade To Black comic on Monday and managed 6 pages of it. But it was mostly copying and pasting stuff from the screenplay. I was having some good fantasies about comics and they featured in my dreams. I'm easily swayed by things like that. But after doing it I knew that it wasn't for me. Although, I would still like to write one someday just now at this present time. I find them too awkward. And hard. I feel so frustrated having to break every movement into separate panels. It annoys me. Not to mention it takes me ages to write one.

I stuck with the screenplay yesterday. And managed 4 pages. I brought the total up to 48 pages. It wasn't as much as I would have liked but it was one better than Sunday. I just wish I could write more though. It could take me months to finish. If I ever finish at all. I was a bit distracted by my fantasies again yesterday admittedly. I hope to do more tonight though. Hopefully. I just don't know with me. I'll need to find more time to write. A increased dosage of my mood stabilizers pills would be helpful. But I don't know when that will happen. I'm supposed to be on a starting dose. So I assume the doctor will increase them at some point. Hopefully soon. I really need them. I couldn't have got this far without them.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I know something will go wrong again.

I was right...

Things went wrong. I didn't write Friday night due to it being the Sabbath start. So it was a welcome break. Then it all went horribly wrong Saturday. I woke up at 9:30 am with tightness in my chest. I decided to smoke. And drank a load of coke. In a matter of minutes I was being sick in the bin. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. 

I tried writing at 8:30 p.m. as normal but I was distracted by my thoughts. I just couldn't do it. I feared this would happen. The problems I had before I had these mood stabilizers returned. I was feeling pretty bad. The day had been utterly terrible. I knew this would happen. I knew this good spell would come to an end. Things never last with me. Something always goes wrong in the end. I just never have any good luck.

Sunday (Today) was better though. I slept till 12 p.m. then again till 4:30 p.m. And I managed to write 3 pages. The total page count is now 44 pages. I almost gave up on the screenplay again! I was thinking of doing it as a comic. I had some good thoughts about it. But When I tried to write it. I just couldn't be bothered. So I went back to the screenplay. I think it's really good. It seems OK to me. It looks nice on the screen. But that means nothing.

I do like it alot. I can't seem to do comics anymore. I've lost the nack for them. I would like to write a comic. I think it could be really good. I visualize it in my head well. But whenever I try to write them. It just doesn't seem that good. I don't know what it is about them. They are a bit awkward to do. I prefer when things flow from one paragraph to another. So I'll stick with the screenplay and (hopefully) I'll get it finished soon.

I did have thoughts of doing it as a radio drama which helped put me off yesterday. But I just don't think it will work when thinking about it logically. But it was a nice thought. I just hope Saturday was a one-off and things will go smoothly from now on.

But I doubt it.

Major headache

I have a major headache. It feels like someone is drilling inside my head. It didn't stop me sleeping though. I thought it might. But I had 12 hours sleep. Which is my personal best for many weeks. It also didn't stop me writing. I rewrote 8 pages yesterday and 6 today. The total page count has extended to 33 pages. So I've added 2 new pages each day with every rewrite. Not bad, eh? It's going rather well. If I do say so myself. I'm worried though something will go wrong. It always does with me. Nothing EVER goes right.

I'm worried I won't sleep or write tomorrow. I'm worried I'll give up on my novel-cum-screenplay or it won't be published. Something. I still have a long way to go before it's finished so plenty can go wrong in that time. I hope not. I feel better since I got these mood stabilizers. I haven't had hardly any 'high' periods. Although I do miss them. They were great. I felt so alive! But they kept me up all night and ruined my sleep pattern. Although it's already pretty messed up anyway. But a good sleep is a good sleep despite my thumping headache. I hope this good spell can continue.

But it won't. I just know it.

Going well...

Today went well. I think I rewrote 9 of the 23 pages. I managed to concentrate for 40 minutes. I could have gone on longer but I wanted to smoke. I'm quite pleased with what I've written so far. I think it MIGHT just be publishable. But I guess I'll see when it's all finished. I wrote in more detail. Using more powerful verbs to describe things. Like any good writer will tell you. I'm happy.

The only downside I didn't sleep well. I slept till 9:30 am then couldn't sleep until gone 11 am and managed to doze off till 3 pm. Not what I'm used too. I thought my sleep pattern had returned too, or starting too return to normal. But that wasn't the case today. So that's my disappointment. Other than my usual thing of not reading the bible long enough. I'll probably do it next Friday evening AFTER I've taken my mood stabilizer. I seem to concentrate better after I've taken it.

It was the Sabbath today. Friday sunset to Saturday Sunset. That's what I read on some christian site I go to. That's the REAL SABBATH the way God intended. But I won't get into any detail about that since I'm quite stupid. And I'm not good at explaining things properly when it comes to matters like that.

I just hope this good spell can continue long enough for me to finish the Fade To Black screenplay.

Got some mood stabilizers

My hospital appointment today went quite well. I had a nice doctor and he didn't ask too many complicated questions (I'm stupid) and I could understand him clearly and everything. I wrote down some stuff about how I was feeling and he seemed to pay attention. So it went quite well. He prescribed me some mood stabilizers to help control my manic episodes. I seemed to be on record now as being bipolar which I am thankful about. I've finally been recognized.

The medication is Depakote (valproate semi-sodium) I'm on a starting dose of 500 mg but he hopes to increase it over the next few weeks/months. I just hope it freaking works! I don't know whether or not it'll help with my concentration or not. So I'll have to see how it works out. I had a terrible writing session yesterday I could barely write 1 word. I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept wandering to other things. It was fucking awful. I don't want a repeat of that anymore otherwise I'll get NOTHING finished EVER!

I managed 1 page of my radio drama today. At around 10 am. I couldn't really do anymore as I couldn't concentrate properly. Besides, I was nervous about my hospital appointment and how it would pan out. As it happened, it went well. But I didn't know that at the time. My sleep has been really awful lately too. I think it's because I went to bed at gone 5 am last Wednesday night and it's mucked up my sleeping pattern. I had good sleeps Thursday, friday but not Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was OK but it was a bit awkward to begin with. Today's was flat out terrible. I woke up at 8 am and didn't sleep again until 11 am. I only slept till 1 p.m. I hope it was just because I was nervous. I don't want a repeat of that.

I'm not sure if I want to do the radio drama anymore. I don't think it's working as well as I hoped. I struggled a bit today with it. I might do a mixture of plays snippets and poetry. I had an idea about it last night. It seemed good in my fantasies. I'll see how it goes over the next few days. There's the possibility I'll go back to the comic too. But I'll just have to see how my concentration and everything pans out.

I've done OK with this post. I managed to write it without losing my focus. If that's a sign of things to come then I can't wait!

YAY!