The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

It's been a few days. I can't be bothered to update very day. I don't have much to say. I've had good writing sessions this week. I managed 6 pages each on Saturday and Sunday. I didn't write Monday as I got stuck and couldn't think of the solution to the scene I was trying to write. But I worked it out and Tuesday I managed an amazing 10 pages! It was incredible! Wednesday didn't go so well. I managed 5 pages. But I wrote an awkward scene that I'm thinking of deleting. The dialogue for it is terrible. The character I added were awful too. So I'll most likely end up removing that odd page. It really brings the play down. Tonight I managed another incredible session with 9 pages written. My Fade To Black play is now at 70 pages. I think I might manage 90 at this rate! It would be my longest ever play! Admittedly, I've only written 2 others. But they were 55 pages and 60 pages respectably.

My sleep has been generally good too. I couldn't sleep Tuesday so I had to take another sleeping pill. But it didn't stop me from writing (thankfully). I've been spending money again after visiting Amazon. I brought Sieben; a triple CD album by Agonoize. That should arrive tomorrow. I also brought Marlowe: The complete plays. I also got The Complete Dramatic works of Samuel Beckett, and the collected poems of William Wordsworth. That was on Friday night. Then last night I brought two Tech N9ne albums. £8 and £9 each. They are; Ever-ready, and Killer. I quite pleased. It's been a good week with the odd exception.

My Social Work Gavin came again today. It was a bit awkward at first. I was meant to do some homework by listing 5 problems and coming up with a solution for them. But I couldn't be bothered to do it. But he kept asking me why. So I sat in silence for ten minutes looking at the floor. But I warmed up and it went OK from that point onwards.

That's it really. Nothing more for me to say.

Goodbye.

Come again soon.

Everything came together

Everything came together today. I had an excellent sleep. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play. It's going well so far I think. But I don't really know what's good or bad. My books arrived. And so did my X20 box set. I've been listening to the remix CD so far. And I absolutely love it. Some top class tracks. I can't wait to listen to the rest. I'm really getting into Suicide Commando. 

I managed 3 pages yesterday of my play. It went rather good too. I felt quite proud of myself. My sleep wasn't good but it was manageable. I might not smoke when I first wake up as that ruins my sleep. I didn't today and I slept till 11:30 am. Which was brilliant! I just hope it can continue. I just hope I can finish my play. I had some doubt yesterday about it. I had a reoccurrence of the comic fantasy and I was tempted to write that today but it's gone now. I think play writing is for me. I would love to do poetry too. But I don't know whether I have the talent for it. It'll be really, really hard. If I can get Fade To Black published then it should give me a much needed confidence boast to tackle poetry. I can't yet as I am desperate to get something finished and published. Poetry would be too hard to do now. And I'm running out of time. Someone could still steal Jodie Summers.

Please, God. Let something go right for me.

Thank you.

The post for today

My mood stabilizers (Valproate Semi-Sodium) have been increased to 750 mg. I am delighted. Maybe I'll be able to concentrate for longer periods. Maybe even sleep better (But I doubt it.) They're been good so far but I always thought that I needed more of them. The recommended dosage is 1000 to 2000 mg a day. So I'm miles away from that. But with any luck they'll continue to help me control my mood swings and help me concentrate better allowing me to write better. But I won't know until I take the increased dosage which won't be for a few days yet.

My Suicide Commando 2 CD Anthology came today. It's brilliant! I love it to bits! Some top tracks of there and I would recommend it to anyone reading. (Which isn't many) My favourites include; Desire, Hell-raiser, Better off Dead. I've been listening to it all day from 9:30 am. I can't wait for the X20 box set to arrive. That'll be amazing too! Then there's Christmas which I'll get more of their albums. I'll be checking Itunes to see what other Industrial bands are available for me to listen to and buy. Although I probably won't be to spend too much anymore. I've been SPENDING again.

I had this idea for a journalist type fiction book. A story told through fictional news reports and feature articles etc. It seemed good last night. So I went to Amazon looking for books on writing non-fiction, journalism etc and I ended up spending £46! I brought two very expensive books but highly professional ones though. They were £20.99 and £21.99. I got; Introduction to Journalism, and Writing Feature Articles. I hope they're good after costing that much. I hope to read them throughly before I start writing. I usually skim through books like this. Then I write what I think the book is telling me and it always goes wrong. So I really have to sit down and read through it.

Went horribly wrong...

Everything has gone horribly wrong. As always. I grew bored of the novel-cum-screenplay and abandoned it. I didn't write for a few days. Then yesterday I attempted to do it as a radio drama. But that went wrong too. So I've decided to go back to the screenplay and make it as surreal, poetic, arty and absurd as possible. It'll probably go wrong. But I'm running out of options. The year is nearly at an end. And I've only finished 1 crappy play.

I really want to finish something. But my mind is fucked up. I keep giving up on things when I feel they're not going well. And nothing really goes well with me. So it means I give up on EVERYTHING I write. 

I hate myself and want to die. 

I did manage to bring Fade To Black up to 23 pages. But I'm miles away from finishing. Especially if I keep giving up on it. And only writing 2 pages a day. My concentration is terrible. I need some ritalin or something. I do have a hospital appointment on Wednesday 1st October. So I hope to bring it up. Knowing my luck, the doctor won't listen to me as usual and give me nothing. And I will have to continue to struggle through life.

I so badly want to die.

If only I was talented. That would be awesome! But I'm not. And there's no way of making it happen. You're either born with it or not. And I wasn't. My money is still VERY low. I haven't brought anything lately except cigarettes and food. But they're still expensive. I'm down to £515. It just keeps getting lower! I'll run out of money by the end of the year if things keep like this. That's why I need to finish something and get it published!! FAST!!

But it seems so unlikely at the moment. I'm feeling terrible. I've become so lazy, and inactive. All I do is listen to music and have fantasies of being rich, famous and successful. It drives me crazy sometimes because it's NEVER going to happen. Not the way things are going at the moment anyway.

I wish I was dead.

Now at 21 pages

I only wrote 1 page on Friday. But two today. I hope to do another two. The total is 21 at the moment. I could have written that in a day in 2005. I've been distracted by my fantasies again. I stayed up to 5 am last night listening to Alice In Chains. My Music Bank box set arrived yesterday. I love it. I've listened to each of the 3 discs only once. But I was obsessing too much over Facelift. And Badmotorfinger. I've been listening to We Die Young all last night. I've played it nearly 400 times. It's my favourite Alice In Chains song.

My money's getting low. I'm down to just £528. I keep spending, that's the problem!! I'll need to watch my money until I can build it up again. I shouldn't need to buy anything else. But with me you never know. I see something on Amazon and I just have to buy it no matter the cost. ARGHH!!!

I hope I can finish Fade To Black. I'm becoming very paranoid that someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I can't imagine her being called anything else. I need to finish something with her in it and get it published. And FAST!! Jodie's a great name. It's my favourite girl's name. I got a google search to this site for the name Jodie Summers. Which has me concerned that, like I said, someone will steal it.

I really hope Fade To Black gets published. Not just for that. But because I'm getting desperate to get famous. Even if it's just a little bit. It'll help boost my confidence and hopefully I'll be able to stick at things longer, and write more in a day.

But I won't know until it happens. Fingers crossed.

P.S DON'T STEAL JODIE SUMMERS!!!

Going very slowly...

I did another 2 pages tonight bringing the total to 14 pages. It's going to take me forever to finish it. I used to write 20 pages a day back in 2005. And I could finish an average screenplay in about a week. Now, 3 years on... I can barely do more than 2 pages in a day. It's utterly terribly how far I have sunk in these 3 years.

I blame Novels. That's where all my problems started. And comics. They didn't help either. I can barely keep my focus. I keep getting distracted by my thoughts. My mind is racing with ideas for everything BUT the thing I'm writing at the time. It's madness!!

My CD's arrived today. Badmotorfinger by Soundgarden and Facelift by Alice In Chains are my favourite two that I got. I'm not so keen on Superunknown. It has some good tracks on it but toward the end it sounded a bit odd. But I was in the bath when I was listening to it and wasn't really paying attention. So maybe I'll have to go back and re-listen to it. Alice in Chains Dirt album has become my all time favourite now beating previous champion Nevermind by Nirvana. That's been bumped to second.

Getting back to the point. I really need something to help me concentrate. I figure I could be ADD or something. I need some freaking Ritalin. My hospital appointment that was due for 11th September was cancelled for some unknown reason. I really needed to go. I can't continue like this. It's driving me mental. I hope another one comes soon.

Spent some more money again

I was browsing Amazon and I came across Soundgarden's two masterpiece albums (Superunknown, Badmotorfinger) and I listened to the previews on Itunes. And I knew I had to buy them on CD. £5 each. Not bad. But of course I didn't stop there. I really, really love Alice In Chains so I purchased their debut album Face Lift. £3. Not bad either. It came to £15 in total which is quite reasonable for 3 classic rock albums.

I knew the moment I went to Amazon I would end up buying some stuff. But I really love music. It's my life. I listen to it 15 hours a day plus. So I guess I can justify it by saying that I'll be almost certainly listening to it on an obsessive basis. So it's worth it I guess.

Writing a closet screenplay

I've been reading The Last Word of Dutch Schultz By William S. Burroughs. It's a literary book written in the form of a screenplay. I am thinking of writing one of my own. It's really inspired me to do something like it. I hope I can get it published THEN turned into a film. I was thinking of doing Messiah or Fade To Black. The plays weren't going well. I tried Fade To Black but couldn't get the dialogue right. I've been doing Messiah off and on. It's turned out OK but it would be better suited as an arty screenplay.

Which is what I was thinking of doing. I like the idea of doing an arty/poetic type closet screenplay. That really appeals to me. I'll be hopefully starting it within the next few days as I am going through a maniac episode at the moment and my mind is racing with thoughts and fantasies about it and I just can't concentrate at the moment to sit down longer enough to write it.

I have started to get into Alice In Chains. I brought their Dirt album and loved it. It's so amazing! I've been listening to it non-stop for the past few days. I decided to buy their Music Bank Box Set. It cost me £21. Which isn't bad. 

In the meantime I took a little test to see how tortured I was. And I came out pretty high which didn't surprise me at all. I am really tortured in my twisted, idiotic head.

I am 92% Tortured Artist.

Angst, and bitter resentment drive me to create works that not a single idot will ever come close to grasping. Ah, the raw and unforgiving statements that bleed from my soul are so misunderstood.

Take the
Tortured Artist Test
@ FualiDotCom

Public Enemy: The Musical

I've moved back to Public Enemy. I didn't think I'd ever write that idea again. But I'm on fire at the moment. I'm mixing Drama, Music and Poetry together to create an audio masterpiece. Or at least I hope so anyway. I haven't completely given up on The Hunter. I found that easier to write than Public Enemy. But my heart's not really in it.

Although I hope to finish both of them soon. I'm not writing as much as I like too. I'm being very, very lazy at the moment. I've only done 4 pages and I started it three days ago. It's going very, very slowly. I would love to pick up my pace as I really want to finish it quickly and get it sent off.

But that seems unlikely at the moment. It'll probably take me a couple of months to do. And I'm worried that 2008 will be like 2007 in that I hardly finish anything. I don't want that to happen. I want to be published in some form or another this year. And the way things are looking at the moment that doesn't seem likely to happen either.

ARGHHHHH!!!

I'm enjoying writing it. It's different. And fun. If a little hard.