Went horribly wrong...

Everything has gone horribly wrong. As always. I grew bored of the novel-cum-screenplay and abandoned it. I didn't write for a few days. Then yesterday I attempted to do it as a radio drama. But that went wrong too. So I've decided to go back to the screenplay and make it as surreal, poetic, arty and absurd as possible. It'll probably go wrong. But I'm running out of options. The year is nearly at an end. And I've only finished 1 crappy play.

I really want to finish something. But my mind is fucked up. I keep giving up on things when I feel they're not going well. And nothing really goes well with me. So it means I give up on EVERYTHING I write. 

I hate myself and want to die. 

I did manage to bring Fade To Black up to 23 pages. But I'm miles away from finishing. Especially if I keep giving up on it. And only writing 2 pages a day. My concentration is terrible. I need some ritalin or something. I do have a hospital appointment on Wednesday 1st October. So I hope to bring it up. Knowing my luck, the doctor won't listen to me as usual and give me nothing. And I will have to continue to struggle through life.

I so badly want to die.

If only I was talented. That would be awesome! But I'm not. And there's no way of making it happen. You're either born with it or not. And I wasn't. My money is still VERY low. I haven't brought anything lately except cigarettes and food. But they're still expensive. I'm down to £515. It just keeps getting lower! I'll run out of money by the end of the year if things keep like this. That's why I need to finish something and get it published!! FAST!!

But it seems so unlikely at the moment. I'm feeling terrible. I've become so lazy, and inactive. All I do is listen to music and have fantasies of being rich, famous and successful. It drives me crazy sometimes because it's NEVER going to happen. Not the way things are going at the moment anyway.

I wish I was dead.