Complete disaster!

My plan to make the novel-cum-screenplay into a poetic, arty, surreal masterpiece has backfired on me. I tried making it poetic but it just sounds silly. I couldn't do it. It seems so utterly crap now. I abandon it for definitely now. It just so stupid and crap. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? I've ruined it and now the memory of it has been tainted forever. I doubt whether it would have been published anyway. It was pretty awful to begin with.

I've gone back to the radio version of it. I like the idea I have for it. I made a few brief changes to it and while it's not genius. It's alright, I guess. Publishable? I doubt it. But I don't have much choice left. I HAVE to do and finish something with Jodie in it. Before someone steals her name. I did attempt a page of the comic but I find it to be utter shit. As always. I just can't do comics. They never seem right. They look odd. If only I could draw...

But I can't. So it's not worth worrying about. The radio play seems OK. I'll see how it goes. I'll probably go back to the comic since something will go wrong with the radio drama. I just know it. I'm only on page 3 of the radio play. So there's plenty that could go wrong with it. I only made some brief alterations tonight. Which I feel disappointed about. I should have done more. I may attempt some more tonight. My fantasies are getting in the way and I can't focus or concentrate properly.

I just hope I can finish something. Time is running out. A book or whatever could appear in the next few months with a character called Jodie Summers. I don't want to lose that name. I can't imagine her being called anything else. I guess it's my own fault. I've had the Jodie Summers character in my head since 2005. So I've had plenty of time to finish something with her in it but I always failed. Time after time. 2008 has been no different. There's something about Jodie that makes me fail with her. I managed to finish two crappy plays with my other character Prodigy even though they were both rejected. But I doubt anyone will steal 'Prodigy' and call a character that. It's so different and odd. But you never know.

But my primary focus is on Jodie. But I'll fail. As usual.

Went horribly wrong...

Everything has gone horribly wrong. As always. I grew bored of the novel-cum-screenplay and abandoned it. I didn't write for a few days. Then yesterday I attempted to do it as a radio drama. But that went wrong too. So I've decided to go back to the screenplay and make it as surreal, poetic, arty and absurd as possible. It'll probably go wrong. But I'm running out of options. The year is nearly at an end. And I've only finished 1 crappy play.

I really want to finish something. But my mind is fucked up. I keep giving up on things when I feel they're not going well. And nothing really goes well with me. So it means I give up on EVERYTHING I write. 

I hate myself and want to die. 

I did manage to bring Fade To Black up to 23 pages. But I'm miles away from finishing. Especially if I keep giving up on it. And only writing 2 pages a day. My concentration is terrible. I need some ritalin or something. I do have a hospital appointment on Wednesday 1st October. So I hope to bring it up. Knowing my luck, the doctor won't listen to me as usual and give me nothing. And I will have to continue to struggle through life.

I so badly want to die.

If only I was talented. That would be awesome! But I'm not. And there's no way of making it happen. You're either born with it or not. And I wasn't. My money is still VERY low. I haven't brought anything lately except cigarettes and food. But they're still expensive. I'm down to £515. It just keeps getting lower! I'll run out of money by the end of the year if things keep like this. That's why I need to finish something and get it published!! FAST!!

But it seems so unlikely at the moment. I'm feeling terrible. I've become so lazy, and inactive. All I do is listen to music and have fantasies of being rich, famous and successful. It drives me crazy sometimes because it's NEVER going to happen. Not the way things are going at the moment anyway.

I wish I was dead.

Now at 21 pages

I only wrote 1 page on Friday. But two today. I hope to do another two. The total is 21 at the moment. I could have written that in a day in 2005. I've been distracted by my fantasies again. I stayed up to 5 am last night listening to Alice In Chains. My Music Bank box set arrived yesterday. I love it. I've listened to each of the 3 discs only once. But I was obsessing too much over Facelift. And Badmotorfinger. I've been listening to We Die Young all last night. I've played it nearly 400 times. It's my favourite Alice In Chains song.

My money's getting low. I'm down to just £528. I keep spending, that's the problem!! I'll need to watch my money until I can build it up again. I shouldn't need to buy anything else. But with me you never know. I see something on Amazon and I just have to buy it no matter the cost. ARGHH!!!

I hope I can finish Fade To Black. I'm becoming very paranoid that someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I can't imagine her being called anything else. I need to finish something with her in it and get it published. And FAST!! Jodie's a great name. It's my favourite girl's name. I got a google search to this site for the name Jodie Summers. Which has me concerned that, like I said, someone will steal it.

I really hope Fade To Black gets published. Not just for that. But because I'm getting desperate to get famous. Even if it's just a little bit. It'll help boost my confidence and hopefully I'll be able to stick at things longer, and write more in a day.

But I won't know until it happens. Fingers crossed.

P.S DON'T STEAL JODIE SUMMERS!!!

Going very slowly...

I did another 2 pages tonight bringing the total to 14 pages. It's going to take me forever to finish it. I used to write 20 pages a day back in 2005. And I could finish an average screenplay in about a week. Now, 3 years on... I can barely do more than 2 pages in a day. It's utterly terribly how far I have sunk in these 3 years.

I blame Novels. That's where all my problems started. And comics. They didn't help either. I can barely keep my focus. I keep getting distracted by my thoughts. My mind is racing with ideas for everything BUT the thing I'm writing at the time. It's madness!!

My CD's arrived today. Badmotorfinger by Soundgarden and Facelift by Alice In Chains are my favourite two that I got. I'm not so keen on Superunknown. It has some good tracks on it but toward the end it sounded a bit odd. But I was in the bath when I was listening to it and wasn't really paying attention. So maybe I'll have to go back and re-listen to it. Alice in Chains Dirt album has become my all time favourite now beating previous champion Nevermind by Nirvana. That's been bumped to second.

Getting back to the point. I really need something to help me concentrate. I figure I could be ADD or something. I need some freaking Ritalin. My hospital appointment that was due for 11th September was cancelled for some unknown reason. I really needed to go. I can't continue like this. It's driving me mental. I hope another one comes soon.

The Second Report

I managed 2 more pages tonight. It's coming along slowly. But I think I COULD finish it. I say 'could' because I'm not entirely sure. I didn't write anything during the day like I hoped as I was feeling too tired. But maybe tomorrow I can add a few more pages to it. I like what I've written so far. I'm trying to make it quite surreal like The Last Words Of Dutch Schultz. It's not 'arty' although I have no idea what I mean. It's not poetic. Yet. But maybe at the end I can make the descriptive passages rhyme.

So far. So good.

Spent some more money again

I was browsing Amazon and I came across Soundgarden's two masterpiece albums (Superunknown, Badmotorfinger) and I listened to the previews on Itunes. And I knew I had to buy them on CD. £5 each. Not bad. But of course I didn't stop there. I really, really love Alice In Chains so I purchased their debut album Face Lift. £3. Not bad either. It came to £15 in total which is quite reasonable for 3 classic rock albums.

I knew the moment I went to Amazon I would end up buying some stuff. But I really love music. It's my life. I listen to it 15 hours a day plus. So I guess I can justify it by saying that I'll be almost certainly listening to it on an obsessive basis. So it's worth it I guess.

Fade To Black Report

I wrote 4 pages of Fade To Black novel-cum-screenplay last night around 10pm. I started off by trying to get it to rhyme but ended up abandoning it after two paragraphs. I will maybe go back after it's finish and add the necessary poetry to it. It's not very arty. I haven't a clue how to make it so. I have no idea what I'm talking about when I say 'arty.'

Here's a brief scene.

EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN.

A gigantic, crimson, cargo ship bobs through the delinquent Atlantic Ocean. Its fog horn sounds out into the weary, pitch-black, foggy sky. The plundering rain isn't shy about pummeling the surrounding area with seething droplets of clear water.

An airliner swoops over head. A human-shaped package drops down. An union-Jack parachute opens. The human shaped figure sinks down to the ship.

LESNAR (OFF)
You've been called into action.

JODIE SUMMERS (OFF)
What's the purpose?

LESNAR (OFF)
I can't give details here. It's highly classified. We will drop you over the Atlantic Ocean. The purpose of the mission will be revealed there.

JODIE SUMMERS (OFF)
Understood.

There's some rhyme to it. But not enough to satisfy me. I will, like I said, go back at the end once it's all finished and add the rhyme. If I finish it at all. I kinda like what I've written so far. I added another two pages around 5pm today. Brining the total to six. I hope to write again tonight and maybe add another 2-5 pages.

I've started well. Not perfect. But a good start. I will continue to edit, modify and rewrite the parts as I see fit. So hopefully, fingers crossed, I can write something that publishable. Providing of course; I FINISH IT!!

That's the big problem I face. I get bored and distracted easily by other ideas. My bipolar doesn't help since that fuels my creativity and idea generation. If things continue to go well. And I feel that Fade To Black is alright then I should more-or-less finish it. But if I think the quality drops or don't think I've written it correctly then I tend to give up on it and move onto something else. Repeat.

The Last Words Of Dutch Schultz

I have very much enjoyed this book. I found highly entertaining and quirky. I hope to start my own closet screenplay sometime tonight. I am going to do Fade To Black. I have definably decided on that. I hope to mold genres into a spy type narrative all written in a poetic/arty screenplay format.

I know I say that. But I don't know for sure if it's going to work. I won't know until I try so I'll post about how it went. I've been having lots of fantasies about it today. I imagine it to be hugely popular and start a sort of literature revolution. It sounds silly, but I was really involved in it. I hope I can write good. I know I can. I just haven't been living up to my standards that I know I am capable of. I seem to start well then descend into utter crap. This has to be different. This screenplay may be my only chance of getting published this year. Or even finishing something this year other than my Killing In The Name play.

The arty thing is going to be difficult. I will try to inject some quirky/bizarre scenes into it like William Borroughs did with The Last Words. I will also make the dialogue and descriptions poetic as I can. And sort of a mixture of long and short jagged sentences. That hopefully rhyme. I will have The Last words by my side as I write and try to borrow as much as I can from it without ripping it off.

Please. Please, God. Make it work for me.

Amazon is highly addictive!

Every time I go to Amazon UK I end up buying a few things. I say to myself "It's only £10. I can afford it." And so I add it to my basket. Then it comes up other recommendations. And I see something else I like. So I add that to my basket. And then repeated over and I end up spending £30 + pounds on books, CDS etc.

I have loads of books that I haven't read. Yet. I keep buying more and more and more. I can't help myself. I feel that life isn't worth living unless I have that item. It's crazy! Consumerism gone mad! It doesn't help that I am bipolar. As during mood swings I get the urge to buy stuff and spend some money after fantasizing about various stuff that I might need at a later date.

That's how I ended up with my iMac. I love it to bits. But I decided in Feb 07 that I needed a new computer. Even though I didn't really. But I couldn't help myself. I felt I couldn't live without an iMac. So I splashed out £1200 on it. I didn't really need to. But I did anyway. And that's how I ended getting so low on cash. That and buying other stuff that I don't really need.

ARGHHHH!

Sophocles website has gone!

I've just noticed that the Sophocles.net website has disappeared. I don't know what happened. I tried searching the web but nobody else seems to know either. I hope the company hasn't folded. I hated Final Draft and all the other screenwriting programs. Sophocles is the BEST! I hope it comes back soon.

Please come back!

Killing In The Name Rejected

My short detective play Killing In The Name was rejected. I received an email from the 503 Theatre stating that they weren't interested in taking it further. I received it back but didn't get any feedback about why they rejected it. I was kind of hoping they would provide something but nevermind.

Here's the email I received;

To Ian,
Thanks for sending your play through to us at Theatre503.

The piece has now been looked at by a number of people on our reading panel and it has been decided that this is not a project that we wish to pursue at the theatre.

We wish you all the best with the piece. It will be posted back to you in the next few days.

Yours Sincerely,

Steve Harper (Literary Co-Ordinator)

That leaves me with NOTHING to hold out for. KITN was my only hope of success this year. It's the only thing I've managed to finish. 2008 is proving to worse than last year. I had two comics completed by this time. Even though they were utter shit. I had at least completed two things. I've only completed a short play so far. And it doesn't look like I'll be completing anything else either.

I keep changing my mind about what I want to write. I move from Comics, Plays, Novels, Radio and game books. I just can't focus! I can't stick at anything! It's driving me crazy!! How am I supposed to get published if I don't finish anything? I won't. That's the simple answer. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I admit that Killing In The Name was a shitty play. I kept re-reading it over the course of these past few months since I sent it off and I realized how crap it is. I knew it would get rejected so it came really as no surprise. But I was holding out for it. A little piece of me wanted it to succeed because as the way things have gone this it; it was my only hope of success. But that's been well and truly dashed.

I hope I can do this arty/poetic closet screenplay thing. I'm concerned it'll be crap. It won't get published. Or worse yet, I give up on it before it's finished.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I used to be able to finish stuff. When I used to write screenplays between 2001-2005. I wrote for 8 hours a day. Doing 40 odd pages. I finished quite a few but they're all crap. I came close with Fade To Black. (The old version) I was told by PFD agency that he didn't feel enough to take me on. But said it was very good. That was back in September 2005. I then went on to novels. For some reason. I was terrible at novels. That's when my problems started. If I would have stuck with screenplays I might have sold something.

I was getting better all the time. But I had a desire to write novels and moved onto them till 2007 when I went onto comics. Which I also failed at. Then onto plays. Which I enjoy and came close with with Killing Jake. If only I could go back in time and tell myself not to bother with comics and novels and stick with Plays and Screenplays I could've got somewhere.

Or maybe not. I guess I'll never know for sure.

Writing a closet screenplay

I've been reading The Last Word of Dutch Schultz By William S. Burroughs. It's a literary book written in the form of a screenplay. I am thinking of writing one of my own. It's really inspired me to do something like it. I hope I can get it published THEN turned into a film. I was thinking of doing Messiah or Fade To Black. The plays weren't going well. I tried Fade To Black but couldn't get the dialogue right. I've been doing Messiah off and on. It's turned out OK but it would be better suited as an arty screenplay.

Which is what I was thinking of doing. I like the idea of doing an arty/poetic type closet screenplay. That really appeals to me. I'll be hopefully starting it within the next few days as I am going through a maniac episode at the moment and my mind is racing with thoughts and fantasies about it and I just can't concentrate at the moment to sit down longer enough to write it.

I have started to get into Alice In Chains. I brought their Dirt album and loved it. It's so amazing! I've been listening to it non-stop for the past few days. I decided to buy their Music Bank Box Set. It cost me £21. Which isn't bad. 

In the meantime I took a little test to see how tortured I was. And I came out pretty high which didn't surprise me at all. I am really tortured in my twisted, idiotic head.

I am 92% Tortured Artist.

Angst, and bitter resentment drive me to create works that not a single idot will ever come close to grasping. Ah, the raw and unforgiving statements that bleed from my soul are so misunderstood.

Take the
Tortured Artist Test
@ FualiDotCom