Fade To Black Play Finished!!

I finished something!

YAY! YEAH! WOOHOO!!

More later.

It's 85 pages long. My longest play I have ever written. Although, it is only my third.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

It's been a few days. I can't be bothered to update very day. I don't have much to say. I've had good writing sessions this week. I managed 6 pages each on Saturday and Sunday. I didn't write Monday as I got stuck and couldn't think of the solution to the scene I was trying to write. But I worked it out and Tuesday I managed an amazing 10 pages! It was incredible! Wednesday didn't go so well. I managed 5 pages. But I wrote an awkward scene that I'm thinking of deleting. The dialogue for it is terrible. The character I added were awful too. So I'll most likely end up removing that odd page. It really brings the play down. Tonight I managed another incredible session with 9 pages written. My Fade To Black play is now at 70 pages. I think I might manage 90 at this rate! It would be my longest ever play! Admittedly, I've only written 2 others. But they were 55 pages and 60 pages respectably.

My sleep has been generally good too. I couldn't sleep Tuesday so I had to take another sleeping pill. But it didn't stop me from writing (thankfully). I've been spending money again after visiting Amazon. I brought Sieben; a triple CD album by Agonoize. That should arrive tomorrow. I also brought Marlowe: The complete plays. I also got The Complete Dramatic works of Samuel Beckett, and the collected poems of William Wordsworth. That was on Friday night. Then last night I brought two Tech N9ne albums. £8 and £9 each. They are; Ever-ready, and Killer. I quite pleased. It's been a good week with the odd exception.

My Social Work Gavin came again today. It was a bit awkward at first. I was meant to do some homework by listing 5 problems and coming up with a solution for them. But I couldn't be bothered to do it. But he kept asking me why. So I sat in silence for ten minutes looking at the floor. But I warmed up and it went OK from that point onwards.

That's it really. Nothing more for me to say.

Goodbye.

Come again soon.

An update

I haven't posted for a few days. I just couldn't be bothered. But things are going well. I've had good sleeps and good writing sessions since my last post. I also have a new social worker called Gavin Palmer. He's a little direct. He wants me to have a more fulfilling life than I have now. Which I suppose is a good thing. But I guess I like my life. It's not perfect. I hardly ever go outside. I don't have any friends. Never had a girlfriend. But I do enjoy myself. Admittedly, I get depressed at times. And wish I was dead. But that only happens when my writing goes bad. I'm still hoping that my writing pays off and success and fortune comes my way. Then maybe I'll consider going out more etc.

I feel everything that normal people have will follow once I get successful. That's how I envision it in my head. Gavin's a nice bloke. But I worry about the what he'll try and get me to do. I don't know if I even want to go out. Not at the moment. I'm quite contended. I know he can't force me. So I am always in control. But I succumb to nagging. If he nags me enough then I will probably do what he wants. And that scares me. I suffer from anxiety alot. So it's going to be tough going from now. I just hope I can pull through.

As I mentioned, Fade To Black play is going quite well. I'm up to 33 pages. I'm worried about the dialogue. It seems a bit weak. I don't know if it fits Jodie's character or not. I do struggle with dialogue. I should probably read that book I brought on it. But I haven't as of yet. I don't know if it's going to be performed/published or not. I hope it is. The year is nearly at an end and I have only finished 1 play which was Killing In The Name. That got rejected because it was crap. I'm still worried someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I need desperately to get something else finished and hopefully published or performed. But I don't know if Fade To Black is the one to make it happen. I enjoy writing it and everything but I'm worried it's crap. I fear it is crap. Am I a terrible writer? Am I a hack? Will I ever get published? Successful?

My whole life depends on it. I can't stand this lack of success anymore. I WANT TO BE PUBLISHED!!

Everything came together

Everything came together today. I had an excellent sleep. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play. It's going well so far I think. But I don't really know what's good or bad. My books arrived. And so did my X20 box set. I've been listening to the remix CD so far. And I absolutely love it. Some top class tracks. I can't wait to listen to the rest. I'm really getting into Suicide Commando. 

I managed 3 pages yesterday of my play. It went rather good too. I felt quite proud of myself. My sleep wasn't good but it was manageable. I might not smoke when I first wake up as that ruins my sleep. I didn't today and I slept till 11:30 am. Which was brilliant! I just hope it can continue. I just hope I can finish my play. I had some doubt yesterday about it. I had a reoccurrence of the comic fantasy and I was tempted to write that today but it's gone now. I think play writing is for me. I would love to do poetry too. But I don't know whether I have the talent for it. It'll be really, really hard. If I can get Fade To Black published then it should give me a much needed confidence boast to tackle poetry. I can't yet as I am desperate to get something finished and published. Poetry would be too hard to do now. And I'm running out of time. Someone could still steal Jodie Summers.

Please, God. Let something go right for me.

Thank you.

It's hard being talentless

I didn't write yesterday. I was going to do the comic but I got put off. I just couldn't do it. I became horribly depressed and felt like crying. I couldn't decide anymore what type of writer I wanted to be. I didn't know what medium to do. So I spent the night thinking about it and I realized that I wanted to be a playwright and poet. Even though I suck at poetry. I wanted to write, and enjoy it. I wanted to immerse myself in it. Which meant only one thing. I needed to spend more money that I didn't have. Sigh.

I went to Amazon and I searched for classic poetry works. And I brought; Divine Comedy, Beowulf, William Blake collection and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I wanted to buy alot more than that but it would have cost too much. The total was £40. I just hope they can prove useful. The journalist books that I brought were a complete waste of money. £46 gone down the drain. I didn't need them. It was a silly idea. But there's nothing I can do about it. Sigh.

I didn't have a particularly great sleep today. I thought things would go wrong. I knew that my old routine would work for 2 days then go wrong. And I was proven right. It took me till nearly 6 am to fall asleep. I woke up at 8:15 am. I smoked two cigarettes, and took me another couple of hours to fall asleep again. I eventually slept till 5 p.m which I guess makes up for the times it took to fall asleep in the first place. I was worried though my writing would go wrong. I haven't written well in the past 3 days. I would be doing the Fade To Black play. I attempted it before but it has always gone wrong. But thankfully tonight it went OK. I managed 6 pages of it. I would have liked to done more. But I probably won't until I take the Valproate Semi-Sodium increase which won't be for another few days.

I just hope I can finish this play soon and get it sent off. Then pray for it to be accepted. I need it badly. My life is falling apart before my very eyes. I need some luck for once. It's hard being talentless.

Changed my mind again

I'm not doing the Messiah comic anymore. I prefer the novel that I wrote 2 chapters of. The idea just isn't suited to the comics medium. Not to mention it would take me most of the year to finish it. And I am desperate to finish something soon. I've decided to go back to plays. I came up with a few ideas and I managed 3 pages of my Venomous play. It's a good start. I could finish it within a few weeks if I write every day. Which I'm hoping to do.

Then I can tackle the other 5 ideas that I have. I could finish quite a lot of plays by the end of the year and somehow make up for my indecisiveness at the start and middle. I probably won't hear back about them until early next year since it takes four months for the theaters to respond. Hopefully, at least one will be accepted and I can use that as a confidence boaster and maybe tackle the other mediums that I have been attempting this year (Novels, comics etc.) And hopefully with the confidence behind me I can finish them too.

Fingers crossed. Because I know something will go wrong.

Harder than I thought

Red October has proved harder than I thought. And I've given up on it. I know, it didn't take me long. But I just can't be bloody bothered with it. Instead, I have decided to do my Hunter idea as a radio drama. I will throw in some musical numbers and I think I have a masterpiece.

I was going to go back to Theatre but I've run out of ideas. I wanted to do my fantasy play Dark Omen but only managed 3 lines of story. Ah well...

Here's to the Hunter. Something I will probably give up on with a few hours.

What to do now?

I'm really concerned about the Public Enemy Graphic Novel. I am convinced it's total tripe. So what do I do now? I am really tempted to abandon it and just concede that I can't write comic books. As much as I would love to write one. I simply don't have the talent. So what's next?

I don't want to give up on Jodie Summers. She's my baby. Yeah. Yeah. She's fictional. But Jodie wouldn't give up on me. And I feel guilty that I can't finish a creative work with her in it. It's been two years since I created her. I've attempted hundreds of works featuring her. But none finished.

She's just too hard to write. I always fail with her. Always. So what's next? I have several options. I could return to theatre and write another play.  I could write a Radio drama. Or I could write a novel. I'll be rubbish at all three. But I have no other option. March has proved to be a disastrous month for me.

Comics are just too hard. Too painful. I want to do Jodie so bad. I owe her one. So I just have to try and think of something else to put her in. Maybe a play. Maybe a radio drama. I've tried Novels before. And I have completely failed. 

It's description I'm terrible at. And dialogue. And characterization. And EVERYTHING! Why don't I have any talent? I'm always getting screwed over. I'm just bad luck. If only I had some rope... or  a shotgun or something. I could put an end to my stupid, worthless, life in an instant.

But I don't. So I'll have to struggle on.

Extract from Killing Jake Play

This is my finished detective play: Killing Jake. It stars my other favourite character Prodigy (Amy Anderson). To give you some background. It's the Year 2044. Prodigy is a broke, and out of luck detective with a Coke problem. And throughout the 55 page play she has to solve a great conspiracy involving Mutants, Androids and bankrupt corporations. And it all starts with a lost dog.

Here's Scene 1.

ACT I

SCENE 1

PRODIGY ENTERS. Curtain/lights are down.

Prodigy's a young, beautiful english rose. She's around twenty-two years old, and has shoulder length pitch-black hair. That has brilliant WHITE STREAKS glazed through it. On the LEFT HAND SIDE of her head, is a little PINK BOW.

PRODIGY
Welcome to the future. Twenty Forty-Four. To be precise. Capital City, England if you want more detail. The future isn't the best place for a young girl like me to grow up in. We have our fair share of crime, and disasters. I guess like anyone else. But what truly separates us from you is the rise of Mutants and Androids. I'm not a mutant myself but I live among them and they treat me as their own. I don't fit in with the Norms as we call them. Mutants emerged from the aftermath of the Nuclear War of Twenty-Twenty-Two. They have bodily deformities that have outcast them from traditional human society. And Androids? They appeared in Twenty-Thirty from Syntax. The leading technology company in the world.
(Pause)
My name is Amy Kathryn Anderson. In case you were wondering. But I prefer to call myself Prodigy. Most of the mutants do. How I got that name? That's beyond the time arc of this particular play. But you'll find out soon enough. When the time is right.

Prodigy EXITS.

AT RISE: WE'RE in Prodigy's quaint little office. There's a wooden desk, with a computer on, and a swivel chair behind it. Two ordinary chairs sit in front. Prodigy is at the window. The blind is half drawn, and she is looking out into the street. THUNDER, LIGHTNING and RAIN sweep across the street. It's not a nice night. Prodigy has a CIGARETTE in one hand, and with the other is peeping through the blind. The window reads - AMY ANDERSON, PRIVATE DETECTIVE.

PRODIGY
Ohhhh...!! Why isn't anyone coming? What am I doing wrong? I desperately need a new case to investigate. I'm running low on funds!
(turning away from window)
I guess I might as well call it a night. No-one's going to show up at this time. It's nearly 11pm.
(Inhales cigarette)
Hmmm.. That's better. Nothing like a good fag to calm me down. It seems to be my only friend these days.
(Crashes into swivel chair behind desk, and places head in hands)
Why did I take up this job?
(inhales more cigarette smoke)
It's all because I got that Sherlock Holmes novel, 'The Hound of Baskerville' for christmas when I was a kid. I knew it. I knew it right there and then that I wanted to be a private detective. But my dad he kept trying to talk me out of it. Maybe I should have listened to him now.
(Leans back, and inhales more smoke)
I need a fix-er-up-er.
(Opens top desk drawer and takes out a piece of wrapped up tin foil and a credit card)
This old thing has expired now. But I still have other uses for it.
(Unwraps foil and sprinkles a bit of the cocaine inside onto the desk, then uses the credit card to dice it into a thin line.)
This always does the trick when I'm feelin' blue.
(Digs into wallet, and pulls out five pound note. Rolls it up into a tube and sniffs the line of coke in one shot.)
Ahhh... That's better.
(Sniffs hard to ensure all the coke has gone up her nose, then rubs it.)
Oooooohh. I feel good all of a sudden. I could dance right now.
(Carries on smoking)

FOOTSTEPS approaching. Prodigy jerked forward in her seat, and waited for the inevitable knock.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

PRODIGY
(Douses out cigarette into tray, and folds her arms.)
Come in.

MRS. WARNER ENTERS looking rather distraught. She shakes off the rain from her UMBRELLA, and steps to Prodigy. Mrs. Warner is an elderly lady in her late fifties, with wrinkled skin, and thick sloshes of make up on her. She was wearing a pretty little red hat that was perched on top of her head. She looks posh, and fancy.

PRODIGY
(Smiling as cheerily as she could)
Can I help you?

MRS. WARNER
Yes. I've lost my baby. I don't often come to these parts, but my son wanted a toy from around here, and now....
(Sobs)
I've lost my baby!
(Sobs some more)
My husband will be so upset with me if I don't return home with him. I would go to the police, but it seems so trivial for them. I saw your office and wondered if you could help.

PRODIGY
I certainly can. Mrs...?

MRS. WARNER
Mrs. Warner.

PRODIGY
OK. Mrs. Warner. I just need to take down some details. Nothing to complicated. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you.
(Dumps tin foil into top draw, and pulls out a notepad and pen.)
So your name is Mrs. Warner.
(Writes it down.)

MRS. WARNER
(Sits down)
That is correct.

PRODIGY
And where were you last when he ran off?

MRS. WARNER
I was by the old haunted house. Just down the street. I turned my back for a brief second or two, and then he was gone.
(Wipes tears on napkin)
I hope you won't think of me as a lesser person because of it.

PRODIGY
(Writing down details)
No, No. Of Course not. It happens to all of us. Do you have any pictures of him that I could borrow for my search?

MRS. WARNER
All I have is this.
(Pulls of old, crinkled photo)
This is the most recent I have of him.

PRODIGY
(Takes photograph, and frowns.)
It's a DOG.

MRS. WARNER
Yes, Yes. He's my baby. You do pets don't you?

PRODIGY
Yeah. I guess.

MRS. WARNER
Thank you. Thank you. I can pay you quite handsomely if you find him.

PRODIGY
(Perks up in seat)
Really?

MRS. WARNER
Oh yes. We're a very wealthy family. My husband works for that Android company, Syntax.

PRODIGY
(Passes across notepad and pen)
If you could write down your details, that would be most helpful.

MRS. WARNER
(Writes down details)
There you go dear.
(Stands up.)
Call me the moment you find him.

PRODIGY
Will do.

Mrs. Warner takes her Umbrella, and EXITS. Prodigy leaned back in her chair, and lights up another cigarette.

PRODIGY
Damnit! Damnit!
(Thumps fists onto desk)
I thought I had a real case there.
(Breathes in smoke)
Never mind, I guess. A case is a case. Money is money. I hope I can make a lot for this. I don't particularly want to drag my sorry ass through these soggy streets looking for some over pampered Dog. But a Job is a Job. It all helps in the end.
(Stands up, and takes several puffs of cigarette before distinguishing it in the ash tray.)

Prodigy EXITS. END SCENE 1. (BLACKOUT)

This is the play that I got that compliment for. Doesn't seem that good now. What was I thinking!? I sent it off to the Soho Theatre a few weeks ago for a free script feedback. They'll probably just write back with CRAP written across it. :-(

Thinking about praise I've received

I was thinking just a few moments ago, after the post about how crap I am. About the praise that I've received for some of my work. I haven't had many. But that's because I've barely finished anything. But I did finish my theatre play Killing Jake.

I sent it off to PFD. And Although it was rejected. I got this nice little compliment. It's not much. But it made me feel good.

I've now read the play and I am afraid that, although I do see that you write well, it's just not to my taste. Obviously, my reaction is purely subjective.

That was from Giles Smart. Although, rejecting my play like that. He doesn't seem that smart. (hehehe). And that's basically it. I definitely need to finish more stuff and get them sent off. Otherwise, I'll never make it as anything.

I have so far this year, finished two plays. Killing Jake (as mentioned) and Killing in the Name. Both of them are short. Between 55-60 pages respectably. And I was hoping to write a longer one. But, ah, never mind.

I'm on my Graphic Novel at the moment. But it's not going well. I find it very painful, and arduous to write. And as mention in the post below. My descriptions seem utterly crap. I need to improve. I need to improve. I need to improve.

Hopefully I will. I've been getting better. That's a positive at least. I mean the first four versions of it were the most crappiest thing you've ever seen. Take my word for it. They were plain shit. But with this fifth draft. I have completely seen an improvement. But I'm afraid it's still not good enough to be published.

I must try harder. I must try harder. I need to improve. I need to improve.