I've been robbed!!

Some bastards have cleared my account out. They've nicked £450. I'm left with nothing. I'm flat broke. I can't afford food or cigarettes or anything. They did it by card skimming. The bastards. I had no idea until it was too late. That just one of the many things that have gone wrong for me. I can't seem to write poetry. I just suck so much. Everything I write is total crap. I tried going back to comics but couldn't focus or concentrate properly. I don't fancy writing another play though.

I really, really, want to write poetry but I just lack the necessary talent. I seem to be completely talentless at everything. I'm terrible at art, science, math, writing, sport, computers, business, languages etc. There's nothing I seem to be good at. At all. I am devoid of all forms of talent. I'm never going to get anywhere. Ever. Everything always goes wrong.

All I have left is my faith in God. I know he'll help me through this. If only I were a better christian. I always blaspheme, and lie. I'm selfish and greedy too. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to live. But I have no method available to kill myself. I'm trapped in this dead end life forever.

Please kill me. Somebody. Anybody. Kill me.

Everything came together

Everything came together today. I had an excellent sleep. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play. It's going well so far I think. But I don't really know what's good or bad. My books arrived. And so did my X20 box set. I've been listening to the remix CD so far. And I absolutely love it. Some top class tracks. I can't wait to listen to the rest. I'm really getting into Suicide Commando. 

I managed 3 pages yesterday of my play. It went rather good too. I felt quite proud of myself. My sleep wasn't good but it was manageable. I might not smoke when I first wake up as that ruins my sleep. I didn't today and I slept till 11:30 am. Which was brilliant! I just hope it can continue. I just hope I can finish my play. I had some doubt yesterday about it. I had a reoccurrence of the comic fantasy and I was tempted to write that today but it's gone now. I think play writing is for me. I would love to do poetry too. But I don't know whether I have the talent for it. It'll be really, really hard. If I can get Fade To Black published then it should give me a much needed confidence boast to tackle poetry. I can't yet as I am desperate to get something finished and published. Poetry would be too hard to do now. And I'm running out of time. Someone could still steal Jodie Summers.

Please, God. Let something go right for me.

Thank you.

Going well...

Today went well. I think I rewrote 9 of the 23 pages. I managed to concentrate for 40 minutes. I could have gone on longer but I wanted to smoke. I'm quite pleased with what I've written so far. I think it MIGHT just be publishable. But I guess I'll see when it's all finished. I wrote in more detail. Using more powerful verbs to describe things. Like any good writer will tell you. I'm happy.

The only downside I didn't sleep well. I slept till 9:30 am then couldn't sleep until gone 11 am and managed to doze off till 3 pm. Not what I'm used too. I thought my sleep pattern had returned too, or starting too return to normal. But that wasn't the case today. So that's my disappointment. Other than my usual thing of not reading the bible long enough. I'll probably do it next Friday evening AFTER I've taken my mood stabilizer. I seem to concentrate better after I've taken it.

It was the Sabbath today. Friday sunset to Saturday Sunset. That's what I read on some christian site I go to. That's the REAL SABBATH the way God intended. But I won't get into any detail about that since I'm quite stupid. And I'm not good at explaining things properly when it comes to matters like that.

I just hope this good spell can continue long enough for me to finish the Fade To Black screenplay.

Why don't I have any talent?

So, I was reading Making Of A Comic on Dark Horse, and comparing their script with mine. Well, how do I put this politely? My descriptions seem so lazy and basically shit. What's wrong with me? I thought my opener to Public Enemy was at least semi-decent. But it seems so unbelievably terrible.

I don't know what to do. Should I rewrite now? Or finish it and then rewrite? I've attempted this spy-thriller four times already and never got past page 49 because it was just plain rubbish. I kept giving up on poor Jodie. I mean, I know she's fictional. But she seems so real to me. In my thoughts and dreams. I promised her I wouldn't quit this time. But I'm having second thoughts.

I'm in love with her! Yeah. Yeah. She's not real. Damn. I need a girlfriend. Any offers?

Didn't think so. Oh Jodie. What am I going to do with you? You seem such a brilliant character in my mind. Strong. Sexy. Smart. But on paper you lose all that. You seem so flat and uninspired.

Why was I born without any talent? I'm shit at just about EVERYTHING!  I can't believe Mother Nature/God (whoever) screwed me over so bad. I'm not mad at God though. Maybe I do deserve it. After all, I find myself blaspheming a lot. I'm not just a crappy writer. I'm a crappy Christian too. :-(