Disaster! But I got my money back...

My writing this month has been a total disaster! It's pretty obvious to anyone who reads my attempts at poetry that I clearly don't have the talent for it. But that hasn't stopped me from keep trying all month long. I've attempted to do Red October as an epic poem. It started quite well but I got stuck where I always get stuck. Trying to move Jodie Summers from one location to the next.

Any kind of movement is proving tough to write in verse. I probably should do more reading. But I can't be bothered. Which is why I fail so much. I'm too lazy. I need to get my arse into gear in the new year and do more reading. I have loads of books that I haven't read yet. Many of them I purchased quite recently. I spent another £42 on Amazon on buying improving lyrics/song-writing because I thought I wanted to do a musical. I had lots of great fantasies about it (and still do). I still have the load of poetry books that I brought that I still haven't go around to reading not mention plays as well which I half-started.

I'll keep plugging at it for sure. I don't intend to give up just yet. There's nothing else I want to write at the moment. I have thought about going back to comics and had some interesting fantasies about them but they burn out after a few hours and I back to thinking about being a poet. I'll have to try harder at poetry than at any other medium. It's bloody tough. I can't do this half-arsed like I usually do. I need to really put the effort in. That in itself is hard too. I've become so lazy that it going to take a miracle for me to snap out of it. But I have to force myself. Another year is nearly over and I only finished two plays. A total disaster.

I honestly thought 2008 would be MY YEAR. But it hasn't turned out to be that way. I was plagued by indecisiveness and poor concentration. I'm still indecisive but the concentration has got slightly better although I can't write poetry for more than an hour. So it's slipping again. The only person who can get me famous/successful is ME! I have to try much, much, much harder next year and throughout the remainder of this year. Time is running out for me. I can start by doing more reading. I need to set aside specific times for reading. And STICK TO IT!!!

I got my money back which was stolen from me. It turned out to be more than I thought. They nicked £630 from me through card skimming. I've spent most of that now. Unfortunately. I've down to a mere £472. It'll probably to continue to get lower. I fear I may run out of money sometime next year if I don't cut back on my spending habits. I became ill on Thursday with a sickness bug. I felt terrible. But it's cleared now just in time for christmas.

HO HO HO!!

I've been robbed!!

Some bastards have cleared my account out. They've nicked £450. I'm left with nothing. I'm flat broke. I can't afford food or cigarettes or anything. They did it by card skimming. The bastards. I had no idea until it was too late. That just one of the many things that have gone wrong for me. I can't seem to write poetry. I just suck so much. Everything I write is total crap. I tried going back to comics but couldn't focus or concentrate properly. I don't fancy writing another play though.

I really, really, want to write poetry but I just lack the necessary talent. I seem to be completely talentless at everything. I'm terrible at art, science, math, writing, sport, computers, business, languages etc. There's nothing I seem to be good at. At all. I am devoid of all forms of talent. I'm never going to get anywhere. Ever. Everything always goes wrong.

All I have left is my faith in God. I know he'll help me through this. If only I were a better christian. I always blaspheme, and lie. I'm selfish and greedy too. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to live. But I have no method available to kill myself. I'm trapped in this dead end life forever.

Please kill me. Somebody. Anybody. Kill me.

Terrible writing

I only managed 2 pages. My heart really wasn't in it. I don't know what I'm going to do. 

:-(

I took this little test. Now I'm depressed.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Sleep disaster!

I haven't slept much today. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know what went wrong. I had to take another sleeping pill at 10 am to fall asleep. I only managed 5 and half hours. This new 'pattern' of mine isn't working. I may go back to my old routine to see if that works. My sleeping is so messed up at the moment since I got that throat infection. I don't know what I'm going to do if that doesn't work. I'll have to maybe get some new sleeping pills. If there are any new ones other than Zolpidem. I like sleeping. It makes me happy. I like the weird dreams I have. They make me happy. I can't keep taking two sleeping pills a day!

Fingers crossed for tonight.

An update and writing Messiah Comic

It's been awhile hasn't it? Over 3 months since I last wrote an entry. Sorry. Nobody cares anyway. I just couldn't be bothered anymore. Things weren't going well for me. The Public Enemy musical turned out to be a total disaster. I received my Killing Jake play back from the Soho theatre. They thought it had some promise but weren't willing to take it any further. Which to me sounded like a polite way of saying it's crap.

I'm still waiting to hear back about my Killing In The Name play but that'll probably be rejected too. But anyway. I have tried to write just about everything these last 3 months. From comics, plays, novels musicals and even game books! But all turned out to be a disaster. They're all crap. And I just couldn't focus or stick at them more than 10 minutes each day. Which isn't good if you're trying to finish something by the end of the year.

2008 has been worse than last year. I have only finished 1 play this year. Last year around this time, I had two comics finished. Sure they were absolutely terrible. But still. I'm in total despair. I can't wait until the day I die.

I decided to write Messiah as a comic book. I managed 8 pages today which is my best all year. I had already done four pages some weeks ago but gave up on it after I couldn't decide on the story. I must have changed the Messiah story at least a hundred times these past two years. But I've finally settled on something and things went well today. I doubt if it will last. I'll mess up tomorrow and won't write anything.

ARGHHHH!!

Despair and Turmoil

Things have gone wrong. I knew they would. My Messiah novel isn't as good as I first thought it was. In fact, it's damn right dreadful. I'm in turmoil, and in total despair. I managed to finish off the first chapter yesterday. It's 6500 words long. Which is quite good for 4 days work. But it's absolutely terrible. I hate myself.

Comic writing is painful

I don't know whether it's just me. But I find the process of writing a comic book very painful. I'm used to writing for theatre. Where everything sort-of flows together. But with a comic: You have to break every action down into a separate panel. It can be quite frustrating.

I like to write as much description as I can. But sometimes I don't write enough. And it looks weird on the page. Maybe it's just me. Am I just messed up? At the moment,  I write about 8 pages a day. It takes about 20-40 minutes to do. Maybe I should be writing more. I'm currently on page 27. 

I think my spy-thriller Graphic Novel will be in-excess of 300 pages. So it's going to take literary months to write. But I suffer from Bi-polar disorder. So I have lots of mood swings that affect my writing ability and concentration. At the moment, I'm going through a depressive stage. So I can't concentrate for longs periods of time.

It's freakin' annoying!  Anyway here's an extract from Page two of my Graphic Novel.

PAGE TWO: (2 PANELS)
PANEL ONE

SIDE ON VIEW. Jodie sprints down the passage-way. She's PUFFING, PANTING, and WHEEZING. Her PSG-1 swings from side to side. In tune to Jodie's rapid motion. Just about in view, is the exit from the alleyway. There's a EGG-SHAPED, futuristic looking automobile parked on the edge of the road. Only the FRONT END is visible. More newspapers are being pelted around by the bittersweet gale-force monsoon.

CAPTION
"Must run faster. Need to make it to the apartment block."

CAPTION
"I hope Jess is there."

PANEL TWO

Jodie BURSTS out onto the street. It's completely deserted. Not a soul around. WE CAN now see the CAR more clearly. It has a hyped up REAR-VIEW SPOILER. Curled round slightly near the edges. A crystal windshield. With wipers. The top of the ENGINE prods itself through the HOOD. Out in the BACKGROUND are a few more CARS. All molded on the EGG-TYPE SHAPE. A few maybe more curved. Others more cubed etc.

STEAM bellows through the sewer grates into the ice-cold air. The BUILDINGS which form the wall of the alleyway are rotten, and muck-infected. Further in the BACKGROUND are TALL, GLASS SKYSCRAPERS. They have a odd-domed shape towards the top, with a RAZOR-SHARP needle billowing out the top.

A few flashing neon light signs further down the road, on BOTH SIDES: XXX, HARDCORE, GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! You get the picture. The street we're on is BAKER-STREET. It's dirty, horrid, and certainly not the place you'd expect to see a young-girl like Jodie wandering down.

CAPTION
Baker Street; 00:01 AM.

JODIE SUMMERS
Ewww....!!

CAPTION
"Time's getting away from me. Must hurry up if I am to meet Jess at the apartment block. Target could've left by now. I bloody hope not!"

It just gets worse, doesn't it? :-(