Disaster! But I got my money back...

My writing this month has been a total disaster! It's pretty obvious to anyone who reads my attempts at poetry that I clearly don't have the talent for it. But that hasn't stopped me from keep trying all month long. I've attempted to do Red October as an epic poem. It started quite well but I got stuck where I always get stuck. Trying to move Jodie Summers from one location to the next.

Any kind of movement is proving tough to write in verse. I probably should do more reading. But I can't be bothered. Which is why I fail so much. I'm too lazy. I need to get my arse into gear in the new year and do more reading. I have loads of books that I haven't read yet. Many of them I purchased quite recently. I spent another £42 on Amazon on buying improving lyrics/song-writing because I thought I wanted to do a musical. I had lots of great fantasies about it (and still do). I still have the load of poetry books that I brought that I still haven't go around to reading not mention plays as well which I half-started.

I'll keep plugging at it for sure. I don't intend to give up just yet. There's nothing else I want to write at the moment. I have thought about going back to comics and had some interesting fantasies about them but they burn out after a few hours and I back to thinking about being a poet. I'll have to try harder at poetry than at any other medium. It's bloody tough. I can't do this half-arsed like I usually do. I need to really put the effort in. That in itself is hard too. I've become so lazy that it going to take a miracle for me to snap out of it. But I have to force myself. Another year is nearly over and I only finished two plays. A total disaster.

I honestly thought 2008 would be MY YEAR. But it hasn't turned out to be that way. I was plagued by indecisiveness and poor concentration. I'm still indecisive but the concentration has got slightly better although I can't write poetry for more than an hour. So it's slipping again. The only person who can get me famous/successful is ME! I have to try much, much, much harder next year and throughout the remainder of this year. Time is running out for me. I can start by doing more reading. I need to set aside specific times for reading. And STICK TO IT!!!

I got my money back which was stolen from me. It turned out to be more than I thought. They nicked £630 from me through card skimming. I've spent most of that now. Unfortunately. I've down to a mere £472. It'll probably to continue to get lower. I fear I may run out of money sometime next year if I don't cut back on my spending habits. I became ill on Thursday with a sickness bug. I felt terrible. But it's cleared now just in time for christmas.

HO HO HO!!

An update

I haven't posted for a few days. I just couldn't be bothered. But things are going well. I've had good sleeps and good writing sessions since my last post. I also have a new social worker called Gavin Palmer. He's a little direct. He wants me to have a more fulfilling life than I have now. Which I suppose is a good thing. But I guess I like my life. It's not perfect. I hardly ever go outside. I don't have any friends. Never had a girlfriend. But I do enjoy myself. Admittedly, I get depressed at times. And wish I was dead. But that only happens when my writing goes bad. I'm still hoping that my writing pays off and success and fortune comes my way. Then maybe I'll consider going out more etc.

I feel everything that normal people have will follow once I get successful. That's how I envision it in my head. Gavin's a nice bloke. But I worry about the what he'll try and get me to do. I don't know if I even want to go out. Not at the moment. I'm quite contended. I know he can't force me. So I am always in control. But I succumb to nagging. If he nags me enough then I will probably do what he wants. And that scares me. I suffer from anxiety alot. So it's going to be tough going from now. I just hope I can pull through.

As I mentioned, Fade To Black play is going quite well. I'm up to 33 pages. I'm worried about the dialogue. It seems a bit weak. I don't know if it fits Jodie's character or not. I do struggle with dialogue. I should probably read that book I brought on it. But I haven't as of yet. I don't know if it's going to be performed/published or not. I hope it is. The year is nearly at an end and I have only finished 1 play which was Killing In The Name. That got rejected because it was crap. I'm still worried someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I need desperately to get something else finished and hopefully published or performed. But I don't know if Fade To Black is the one to make it happen. I enjoy writing it and everything but I'm worried it's crap. I fear it is crap. Am I a terrible writer? Am I a hack? Will I ever get published? Successful?

My whole life depends on it. I can't stand this lack of success anymore. I WANT TO BE PUBLISHED!!

It's hard being talentless

I didn't write yesterday. I was going to do the comic but I got put off. I just couldn't do it. I became horribly depressed and felt like crying. I couldn't decide anymore what type of writer I wanted to be. I didn't know what medium to do. So I spent the night thinking about it and I realized that I wanted to be a playwright and poet. Even though I suck at poetry. I wanted to write, and enjoy it. I wanted to immerse myself in it. Which meant only one thing. I needed to spend more money that I didn't have. Sigh.

I went to Amazon and I searched for classic poetry works. And I brought; Divine Comedy, Beowulf, William Blake collection and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I wanted to buy alot more than that but it would have cost too much. The total was £40. I just hope they can prove useful. The journalist books that I brought were a complete waste of money. £46 gone down the drain. I didn't need them. It was a silly idea. But there's nothing I can do about it. Sigh.

I didn't have a particularly great sleep today. I thought things would go wrong. I knew that my old routine would work for 2 days then go wrong. And I was proven right. It took me till nearly 6 am to fall asleep. I woke up at 8:15 am. I smoked two cigarettes, and took me another couple of hours to fall asleep again. I eventually slept till 5 p.m which I guess makes up for the times it took to fall asleep in the first place. I was worried though my writing would go wrong. I haven't written well in the past 3 days. I would be doing the Fade To Black play. I attempted it before but it has always gone wrong. But thankfully tonight it went OK. I managed 6 pages of it. I would have liked to done more. But I probably won't until I take the Valproate Semi-Sodium increase which won't be for another few days.

I just hope I can finish this play soon and get it sent off. Then pray for it to be accepted. I need it badly. My life is falling apart before my very eyes. I need some luck for once. It's hard being talentless.

The post for today

My mood stabilizers (Valproate Semi-Sodium) have been increased to 750 mg. I am delighted. Maybe I'll be able to concentrate for longer periods. Maybe even sleep better (But I doubt it.) They're been good so far but I always thought that I needed more of them. The recommended dosage is 1000 to 2000 mg a day. So I'm miles away from that. But with any luck they'll continue to help me control my mood swings and help me concentrate better allowing me to write better. But I won't know until I take the increased dosage which won't be for a few days yet.

My Suicide Commando 2 CD Anthology came today. It's brilliant! I love it to bits! Some top tracks of there and I would recommend it to anyone reading. (Which isn't many) My favourites include; Desire, Hell-raiser, Better off Dead. I've been listening to it all day from 9:30 am. I can't wait for the X20 box set to arrive. That'll be amazing too! Then there's Christmas which I'll get more of their albums. I'll be checking Itunes to see what other Industrial bands are available for me to listen to and buy. Although I probably won't be to spend too much anymore. I've been SPENDING again.

I had this idea for a journalist type fiction book. A story told through fictional news reports and feature articles etc. It seemed good last night. So I went to Amazon looking for books on writing non-fiction, journalism etc and I ended up spending £46! I brought two very expensive books but highly professional ones though. They were £20.99 and £21.99. I got; Introduction to Journalism, and Writing Feature Articles. I hope they're good after costing that much. I hope to read them throughly before I start writing. I usually skim through books like this. Then I write what I think the book is telling me and it always goes wrong. So I really have to sit down and read through it.

Things have gone better.... (Thankfully)

Since my last post things have gone better. I have had good sleeps, and managed to get my writing back on track. I tried doing the Fade To Black comic on Monday and managed 6 pages of it. But it was mostly copying and pasting stuff from the screenplay. I was having some good fantasies about comics and they featured in my dreams. I'm easily swayed by things like that. But after doing it I knew that it wasn't for me. Although, I would still like to write one someday just now at this present time. I find them too awkward. And hard. I feel so frustrated having to break every movement into separate panels. It annoys me. Not to mention it takes me ages to write one.

I stuck with the screenplay yesterday. And managed 4 pages. I brought the total up to 48 pages. It wasn't as much as I would have liked but it was one better than Sunday. I just wish I could write more though. It could take me months to finish. If I ever finish at all. I was a bit distracted by my fantasies again yesterday admittedly. I hope to do more tonight though. Hopefully. I just don't know with me. I'll need to find more time to write. A increased dosage of my mood stabilizers pills would be helpful. But I don't know when that will happen. I'm supposed to be on a starting dose. So I assume the doctor will increase them at some point. Hopefully soon. I really need them. I couldn't have got this far without them.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I know something will go wrong again.

I was right...

Things went wrong. I didn't write Friday night due to it being the Sabbath start. So it was a welcome break. Then it all went horribly wrong Saturday. I woke up at 9:30 am with tightness in my chest. I decided to smoke. And drank a load of coke. In a matter of minutes I was being sick in the bin. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. 

I tried writing at 8:30 p.m. as normal but I was distracted by my thoughts. I just couldn't do it. I feared this would happen. The problems I had before I had these mood stabilizers returned. I was feeling pretty bad. The day had been utterly terrible. I knew this would happen. I knew this good spell would come to an end. Things never last with me. Something always goes wrong in the end. I just never have any good luck.

Sunday (Today) was better though. I slept till 12 p.m. then again till 4:30 p.m. And I managed to write 3 pages. The total page count is now 44 pages. I almost gave up on the screenplay again! I was thinking of doing it as a comic. I had some good thoughts about it. But When I tried to write it. I just couldn't be bothered. So I went back to the screenplay. I think it's really good. It seems OK to me. It looks nice on the screen. But that means nothing.

I do like it alot. I can't seem to do comics anymore. I've lost the nack for them. I would like to write a comic. I think it could be really good. I visualize it in my head well. But whenever I try to write them. It just doesn't seem that good. I don't know what it is about them. They are a bit awkward to do. I prefer when things flow from one paragraph to another. So I'll stick with the screenplay and (hopefully) I'll get it finished soon.

I did have thoughts of doing it as a radio drama which helped put me off yesterday. But I just don't think it will work when thinking about it logically. But it was a nice thought. I just hope Saturday was a one-off and things will go smoothly from now on.

But I doubt it.

Major headache

I have a major headache. It feels like someone is drilling inside my head. It didn't stop me sleeping though. I thought it might. But I had 12 hours sleep. Which is my personal best for many weeks. It also didn't stop me writing. I rewrote 8 pages yesterday and 6 today. The total page count has extended to 33 pages. So I've added 2 new pages each day with every rewrite. Not bad, eh? It's going rather well. If I do say so myself. I'm worried though something will go wrong. It always does with me. Nothing EVER goes right.

I'm worried I won't sleep or write tomorrow. I'm worried I'll give up on my novel-cum-screenplay or it won't be published. Something. I still have a long way to go before it's finished so plenty can go wrong in that time. I hope not. I feel better since I got these mood stabilizers. I haven't had hardly any 'high' periods. Although I do miss them. They were great. I felt so alive! But they kept me up all night and ruined my sleep pattern. Although it's already pretty messed up anyway. But a good sleep is a good sleep despite my thumping headache. I hope this good spell can continue.

But it won't. I just know it.

They might be working

I think these mood stabilizers are working. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play last night. It wasn't particularly awe inspiring. But my mind didn't wander at all. I was completely focused. No fantasies or other thoughts getting in my way. It was like heaven. I've been waiting for that for months, and months on end. WHY DIDN'T I GET THEM SOONER?

I have no idea. But I am thankful I have them now. I've abandoned the play and radio play and the comic and guess what? That's right. I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore. But I'm going back to the screenplay version. I am quite confident about it. I didn't write in enough detail the first time round. I will strip the poetic descriptions from it and re-write all 23 pages from scratch. It'll take me a while. But if I can concentrate as well as I think then it should be a breeze.

But we'll see.

Got some mood stabilizers

My hospital appointment today went quite well. I had a nice doctor and he didn't ask too many complicated questions (I'm stupid) and I could understand him clearly and everything. I wrote down some stuff about how I was feeling and he seemed to pay attention. So it went quite well. He prescribed me some mood stabilizers to help control my manic episodes. I seemed to be on record now as being bipolar which I am thankful about. I've finally been recognized.

The medication is Depakote (valproate semi-sodium) I'm on a starting dose of 500 mg but he hopes to increase it over the next few weeks/months. I just hope it freaking works! I don't know whether or not it'll help with my concentration or not. So I'll have to see how it works out. I had a terrible writing session yesterday I could barely write 1 word. I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept wandering to other things. It was fucking awful. I don't want a repeat of that anymore otherwise I'll get NOTHING finished EVER!

I managed 1 page of my radio drama today. At around 10 am. I couldn't really do anymore as I couldn't concentrate properly. Besides, I was nervous about my hospital appointment and how it would pan out. As it happened, it went well. But I didn't know that at the time. My sleep has been really awful lately too. I think it's because I went to bed at gone 5 am last Wednesday night and it's mucked up my sleeping pattern. I had good sleeps Thursday, friday but not Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was OK but it was a bit awkward to begin with. Today's was flat out terrible. I woke up at 8 am and didn't sleep again until 11 am. I only slept till 1 p.m. I hope it was just because I was nervous. I don't want a repeat of that.

I'm not sure if I want to do the radio drama anymore. I don't think it's working as well as I hoped. I struggled a bit today with it. I might do a mixture of plays snippets and poetry. I had an idea about it last night. It seemed good in my fantasies. I'll see how it goes over the next few days. There's the possibility I'll go back to the comic too. But I'll just have to see how my concentration and everything pans out.

I've done OK with this post. I managed to write it without losing my focus. If that's a sign of things to come then I can't wait!

YAY!

Comic writing is painful

I don't know whether it's just me. But I find the process of writing a comic book very painful. I'm used to writing for theatre. Where everything sort-of flows together. But with a comic: You have to break every action down into a separate panel. It can be quite frustrating.

I like to write as much description as I can. But sometimes I don't write enough. And it looks weird on the page. Maybe it's just me. Am I just messed up? At the moment,  I write about 8 pages a day. It takes about 20-40 minutes to do. Maybe I should be writing more. I'm currently on page 27. 

I think my spy-thriller Graphic Novel will be in-excess of 300 pages. So it's going to take literary months to write. But I suffer from Bi-polar disorder. So I have lots of mood swings that affect my writing ability and concentration. At the moment, I'm going through a depressive stage. So I can't concentrate for longs periods of time.

It's freakin' annoying!  Anyway here's an extract from Page two of my Graphic Novel.

PAGE TWO: (2 PANELS)
PANEL ONE

SIDE ON VIEW. Jodie sprints down the passage-way. She's PUFFING, PANTING, and WHEEZING. Her PSG-1 swings from side to side. In tune to Jodie's rapid motion. Just about in view, is the exit from the alleyway. There's a EGG-SHAPED, futuristic looking automobile parked on the edge of the road. Only the FRONT END is visible. More newspapers are being pelted around by the bittersweet gale-force monsoon.

CAPTION
"Must run faster. Need to make it to the apartment block."

CAPTION
"I hope Jess is there."

PANEL TWO

Jodie BURSTS out onto the street. It's completely deserted. Not a soul around. WE CAN now see the CAR more clearly. It has a hyped up REAR-VIEW SPOILER. Curled round slightly near the edges. A crystal windshield. With wipers. The top of the ENGINE prods itself through the HOOD. Out in the BACKGROUND are a few more CARS. All molded on the EGG-TYPE SHAPE. A few maybe more curved. Others more cubed etc.

STEAM bellows through the sewer grates into the ice-cold air. The BUILDINGS which form the wall of the alleyway are rotten, and muck-infected. Further in the BACKGROUND are TALL, GLASS SKYSCRAPERS. They have a odd-domed shape towards the top, with a RAZOR-SHARP needle billowing out the top.

A few flashing neon light signs further down the road, on BOTH SIDES: XXX, HARDCORE, GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! You get the picture. The street we're on is BAKER-STREET. It's dirty, horrid, and certainly not the place you'd expect to see a young-girl like Jodie wandering down.

CAPTION
Baker Street; 00:01 AM.

JODIE SUMMERS
Ewww....!!

CAPTION
"Time's getting away from me. Must hurry up if I am to meet Jess at the apartment block. Target could've left by now. I bloody hope not!"

It just gets worse, doesn't it? :-(