Trying to write poetry

I've spent this last week or so since finishing my play trying to write poetry. But I suck at it. I've been doing some reading too. But nothing really makes sense. I just can't seem to grasp meter. I sent off my Fade To Black play to the Bush Theatre. I also sent off some old poems I found to Agenda magazine. They'll both be rejected. Both are shit. I've been trying to write Public Enemy as an epic narrative poem. But I keep fucking it up. It seems to crap and poor. I've got some rhyming in it but I'm being worked into a corner because of it. I need to do more reading.

I might just do single poems instead for the time being and leave the epic poem until I've had some stuff published and gained more confidence. Which means it'll never be written. I could always do it as another play but I really fancy poetry. Even though I suck. I have no talent. It's pretty obvious if you read any of my work. I understand metaphor, smilie, imagery etc but it's just meter I can't get my head round. I've been reading several different books and I still don't get it.

I was thinking of trying to write to a set rhythm to see if that worked. If I can get some sort of musical beat to it when read and avoid rhyme where possible I should be OK. Shouldn't I? I don't know. I'll have to try and report back.

Fade To Black Play Finished!!

I finished something!

YAY! YEAH! WOOHOO!!

More later.

It's 85 pages long. My longest play I have ever written. Although, it is only my third.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

It's been a few days. I can't be bothered to update very day. I don't have much to say. I've had good writing sessions this week. I managed 6 pages each on Saturday and Sunday. I didn't write Monday as I got stuck and couldn't think of the solution to the scene I was trying to write. But I worked it out and Tuesday I managed an amazing 10 pages! It was incredible! Wednesday didn't go so well. I managed 5 pages. But I wrote an awkward scene that I'm thinking of deleting. The dialogue for it is terrible. The character I added were awful too. So I'll most likely end up removing that odd page. It really brings the play down. Tonight I managed another incredible session with 9 pages written. My Fade To Black play is now at 70 pages. I think I might manage 90 at this rate! It would be my longest ever play! Admittedly, I've only written 2 others. But they were 55 pages and 60 pages respectably.

My sleep has been generally good too. I couldn't sleep Tuesday so I had to take another sleeping pill. But it didn't stop me from writing (thankfully). I've been spending money again after visiting Amazon. I brought Sieben; a triple CD album by Agonoize. That should arrive tomorrow. I also brought Marlowe: The complete plays. I also got The Complete Dramatic works of Samuel Beckett, and the collected poems of William Wordsworth. That was on Friday night. Then last night I brought two Tech N9ne albums. £8 and £9 each. They are; Ever-ready, and Killer. I quite pleased. It's been a good week with the odd exception.

My Social Work Gavin came again today. It was a bit awkward at first. I was meant to do some homework by listing 5 problems and coming up with a solution for them. But I couldn't be bothered to do it. But he kept asking me why. So I sat in silence for ten minutes looking at the floor. But I warmed up and it went OK from that point onwards.

That's it really. Nothing more for me to say.

Goodbye.

Come again soon.

An update

I haven't posted for a few days. I just couldn't be bothered. But things are going well. I've had good sleeps and good writing sessions since my last post. I also have a new social worker called Gavin Palmer. He's a little direct. He wants me to have a more fulfilling life than I have now. Which I suppose is a good thing. But I guess I like my life. It's not perfect. I hardly ever go outside. I don't have any friends. Never had a girlfriend. But I do enjoy myself. Admittedly, I get depressed at times. And wish I was dead. But that only happens when my writing goes bad. I'm still hoping that my writing pays off and success and fortune comes my way. Then maybe I'll consider going out more etc.

I feel everything that normal people have will follow once I get successful. That's how I envision it in my head. Gavin's a nice bloke. But I worry about the what he'll try and get me to do. I don't know if I even want to go out. Not at the moment. I'm quite contended. I know he can't force me. So I am always in control. But I succumb to nagging. If he nags me enough then I will probably do what he wants. And that scares me. I suffer from anxiety alot. So it's going to be tough going from now. I just hope I can pull through.

As I mentioned, Fade To Black play is going quite well. I'm up to 33 pages. I'm worried about the dialogue. It seems a bit weak. I don't know if it fits Jodie's character or not. I do struggle with dialogue. I should probably read that book I brought on it. But I haven't as of yet. I don't know if it's going to be performed/published or not. I hope it is. The year is nearly at an end and I have only finished 1 play which was Killing In The Name. That got rejected because it was crap. I'm still worried someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I need desperately to get something else finished and hopefully published or performed. But I don't know if Fade To Black is the one to make it happen. I enjoy writing it and everything but I'm worried it's crap. I fear it is crap. Am I a terrible writer? Am I a hack? Will I ever get published? Successful?

My whole life depends on it. I can't stand this lack of success anymore. I WANT TO BE PUBLISHED!!

Good, Bad, Good

I managed 5 pages on Saturday. So that was good. But I had a poor sleep. So that was bad. I had a good sleep sunday. So that was good. But I didn't write much due to being distracted by the formula one racing. So that was bad. I had a good sleep monday and a good writing session. So I'm pleased. I've had a good sleep today too. So I just hope my writing goes well.

More later.

Everything came together

Everything came together today. I had an excellent sleep. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play. It's going well so far I think. But I don't really know what's good or bad. My books arrived. And so did my X20 box set. I've been listening to the remix CD so far. And I absolutely love it. Some top class tracks. I can't wait to listen to the rest. I'm really getting into Suicide Commando. 

I managed 3 pages yesterday of my play. It went rather good too. I felt quite proud of myself. My sleep wasn't good but it was manageable. I might not smoke when I first wake up as that ruins my sleep. I didn't today and I slept till 11:30 am. Which was brilliant! I just hope it can continue. I just hope I can finish my play. I had some doubt yesterday about it. I had a reoccurrence of the comic fantasy and I was tempted to write that today but it's gone now. I think play writing is for me. I would love to do poetry too. But I don't know whether I have the talent for it. It'll be really, really hard. If I can get Fade To Black published then it should give me a much needed confidence boast to tackle poetry. I can't yet as I am desperate to get something finished and published. Poetry would be too hard to do now. And I'm running out of time. Someone could still steal Jodie Summers.

Please, God. Let something go right for me.

Thank you.

It's hard being talentless

I didn't write yesterday. I was going to do the comic but I got put off. I just couldn't do it. I became horribly depressed and felt like crying. I couldn't decide anymore what type of writer I wanted to be. I didn't know what medium to do. So I spent the night thinking about it and I realized that I wanted to be a playwright and poet. Even though I suck at poetry. I wanted to write, and enjoy it. I wanted to immerse myself in it. Which meant only one thing. I needed to spend more money that I didn't have. Sigh.

I went to Amazon and I searched for classic poetry works. And I brought; Divine Comedy, Beowulf, William Blake collection and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I wanted to buy alot more than that but it would have cost too much. The total was £40. I just hope they can prove useful. The journalist books that I brought were a complete waste of money. £46 gone down the drain. I didn't need them. It was a silly idea. But there's nothing I can do about it. Sigh.

I didn't have a particularly great sleep today. I thought things would go wrong. I knew that my old routine would work for 2 days then go wrong. And I was proven right. It took me till nearly 6 am to fall asleep. I woke up at 8:15 am. I smoked two cigarettes, and took me another couple of hours to fall asleep again. I eventually slept till 5 p.m which I guess makes up for the times it took to fall asleep in the first place. I was worried though my writing would go wrong. I haven't written well in the past 3 days. I would be doing the Fade To Black play. I attempted it before but it has always gone wrong. But thankfully tonight it went OK. I managed 6 pages of it. I would have liked to done more. But I probably won't until I take the Valproate Semi-Sodium increase which won't be for another few days.

I just hope I can finish this play soon and get it sent off. Then pray for it to be accepted. I need it badly. My life is falling apart before my very eyes. I need some luck for once. It's hard being talentless.

Rough few days

I've had a rough few days. I didn't write Sunday. I was put off by my thoughts. I had roughs sleeps as well so that didn't help. I managed 2 pages Monday and 4 pages Tuesday. But my sleep was terrible. Thankfully I've tried to do something different and it seems to work. I didn't smoke before I went to bed. And I had something to eat a little earlier. And that worked today. So I'm happy. My cough has progressed to getting worse. I really ought to quit smoking. But I can't imagine myself without a cigarette. Terrible I know.

The screenplay is now up to 64 pages. But it's going slow. I keep imaging doing other things. Comics, novels, plays etc. My mind is constantly coming up with new ideas that end up putting me off the screenplay. That happened Sunday. I came up with the idea of doing a children's book starring my old teddy bear D.K. Jr. It annoys me. I need to finish something. Something with Jodie Summers in it before someone steals her name. But all I can think about is doing Prodigy. Or doing something other than the screenplay. It's driving me crazy!!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY TWISTED MIND!?

I suck so bad. I really want to finish something this year other than my crappy play Killing In The Name. I've really failed this year. 2008 has been utterly terrible in terms of writing. I just couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to write. And I still can't. It would be foolish to give up on the screenplay now though. I've got so far through it. It's pretty decent I think. Probably not good enough to be published. But I think I could get some decent feedback (if any).

I just hope I can put these thoughts to one side and finish the screenplay. Otherwise I'll be back to square one again.

Sigh.

They might be working

I think these mood stabilizers are working. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play last night. It wasn't particularly awe inspiring. But my mind didn't wander at all. I was completely focused. No fantasies or other thoughts getting in my way. It was like heaven. I've been waiting for that for months, and months on end. WHY DIDN'T I GET THEM SOONER?

I have no idea. But I am thankful I have them now. I've abandoned the play and radio play and the comic and guess what? That's right. I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore. But I'm going back to the screenplay version. I am quite confident about it. I didn't write in enough detail the first time round. I will strip the poetic descriptions from it and re-write all 23 pages from scratch. It'll take me a while. But if I can concentrate as well as I think then it should be a breeze.

But we'll see.

Got some mood stabilizers

My hospital appointment today went quite well. I had a nice doctor and he didn't ask too many complicated questions (I'm stupid) and I could understand him clearly and everything. I wrote down some stuff about how I was feeling and he seemed to pay attention. So it went quite well. He prescribed me some mood stabilizers to help control my manic episodes. I seemed to be on record now as being bipolar which I am thankful about. I've finally been recognized.

The medication is Depakote (valproate semi-sodium) I'm on a starting dose of 500 mg but he hopes to increase it over the next few weeks/months. I just hope it freaking works! I don't know whether or not it'll help with my concentration or not. So I'll have to see how it works out. I had a terrible writing session yesterday I could barely write 1 word. I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept wandering to other things. It was fucking awful. I don't want a repeat of that anymore otherwise I'll get NOTHING finished EVER!

I managed 1 page of my radio drama today. At around 10 am. I couldn't really do anymore as I couldn't concentrate properly. Besides, I was nervous about my hospital appointment and how it would pan out. As it happened, it went well. But I didn't know that at the time. My sleep has been really awful lately too. I think it's because I went to bed at gone 5 am last Wednesday night and it's mucked up my sleeping pattern. I had good sleeps Thursday, friday but not Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was OK but it was a bit awkward to begin with. Today's was flat out terrible. I woke up at 8 am and didn't sleep again until 11 am. I only slept till 1 p.m. I hope it was just because I was nervous. I don't want a repeat of that.

I'm not sure if I want to do the radio drama anymore. I don't think it's working as well as I hoped. I struggled a bit today with it. I might do a mixture of plays snippets and poetry. I had an idea about it last night. It seemed good in my fantasies. I'll see how it goes over the next few days. There's the possibility I'll go back to the comic too. But I'll just have to see how my concentration and everything pans out.

I've done OK with this post. I managed to write it without losing my focus. If that's a sign of things to come then I can't wait!

YAY!

Complete disaster!

My plan to make the novel-cum-screenplay into a poetic, arty, surreal masterpiece has backfired on me. I tried making it poetic but it just sounds silly. I couldn't do it. It seems so utterly crap now. I abandon it for definitely now. It just so stupid and crap. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? I've ruined it and now the memory of it has been tainted forever. I doubt whether it would have been published anyway. It was pretty awful to begin with.

I've gone back to the radio version of it. I like the idea I have for it. I made a few brief changes to it and while it's not genius. It's alright, I guess. Publishable? I doubt it. But I don't have much choice left. I HAVE to do and finish something with Jodie in it. Before someone steals her name. I did attempt a page of the comic but I find it to be utter shit. As always. I just can't do comics. They never seem right. They look odd. If only I could draw...

But I can't. So it's not worth worrying about. The radio play seems OK. I'll see how it goes. I'll probably go back to the comic since something will go wrong with the radio drama. I just know it. I'm only on page 3 of the radio play. So there's plenty that could go wrong with it. I only made some brief alterations tonight. Which I feel disappointed about. I should have done more. I may attempt some more tonight. My fantasies are getting in the way and I can't focus or concentrate properly.

I just hope I can finish something. Time is running out. A book or whatever could appear in the next few months with a character called Jodie Summers. I don't want to lose that name. I can't imagine her being called anything else. I guess it's my own fault. I've had the Jodie Summers character in my head since 2005. So I've had plenty of time to finish something with her in it but I always failed. Time after time. 2008 has been no different. There's something about Jodie that makes me fail with her. I managed to finish two crappy plays with my other character Prodigy even though they were both rejected. But I doubt anyone will steal 'Prodigy' and call a character that. It's so different and odd. But you never know.

But my primary focus is on Jodie. But I'll fail. As usual.

Killing In The Name Rejected

My short detective play Killing In The Name was rejected. I received an email from the 503 Theatre stating that they weren't interested in taking it further. I received it back but didn't get any feedback about why they rejected it. I was kind of hoping they would provide something but nevermind.

Here's the email I received;

To Ian,
Thanks for sending your play through to us at Theatre503.

The piece has now been looked at by a number of people on our reading panel and it has been decided that this is not a project that we wish to pursue at the theatre.

We wish you all the best with the piece. It will be posted back to you in the next few days.

Yours Sincerely,

Steve Harper (Literary Co-Ordinator)

That leaves me with NOTHING to hold out for. KITN was my only hope of success this year. It's the only thing I've managed to finish. 2008 is proving to worse than last year. I had two comics completed by this time. Even though they were utter shit. I had at least completed two things. I've only completed a short play so far. And it doesn't look like I'll be completing anything else either.

I keep changing my mind about what I want to write. I move from Comics, Plays, Novels, Radio and game books. I just can't focus! I can't stick at anything! It's driving me crazy!! How am I supposed to get published if I don't finish anything? I won't. That's the simple answer. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I admit that Killing In The Name was a shitty play. I kept re-reading it over the course of these past few months since I sent it off and I realized how crap it is. I knew it would get rejected so it came really as no surprise. But I was holding out for it. A little piece of me wanted it to succeed because as the way things have gone this it; it was my only hope of success. But that's been well and truly dashed.

I hope I can do this arty/poetic closet screenplay thing. I'm concerned it'll be crap. It won't get published. Or worse yet, I give up on it before it's finished.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I used to be able to finish stuff. When I used to write screenplays between 2001-2005. I wrote for 8 hours a day. Doing 40 odd pages. I finished quite a few but they're all crap. I came close with Fade To Black. (The old version) I was told by PFD agency that he didn't feel enough to take me on. But said it was very good. That was back in September 2005. I then went on to novels. For some reason. I was terrible at novels. That's when my problems started. If I would have stuck with screenplays I might have sold something.

I was getting better all the time. But I had a desire to write novels and moved onto them till 2007 when I went onto comics. Which I also failed at. Then onto plays. Which I enjoy and came close with with Killing Jake. If only I could go back in time and tell myself not to bother with comics and novels and stick with Plays and Screenplays I could've got somewhere.

Or maybe not. I guess I'll never know for sure.

An update

I couldn't think of the necessary dialogue for my Venomous play so I abandoned it. I went through a period of not knowing what to write as well as going back to other projects like Messiah Comic, attempted another Game book and tried writing some radio plays. Nothing worked out. I became really frustrated. But I'm going back to plays (AGAIN!)

I'll attempt my Messiah play or Fade To Black play. Either one is good. I'll see how it goes but I have a bad feeling things will go horribly wrong. I still haven't heard back about my Killing In The Name play. I don't know whether it's good news or bad news. It could be that it's gone for a second reading higher up the chain. Or maybe not.

In completely unrelated news. I got a new computer desk and filing cabinet for FREE! My dad's work was moving to a different location and they didn't need their office furniture anymore so my dad managed to secure a new desk and filing cabinet for me. Which is cool. Getting anything for free these days is a good thing.

Anyway. Bye.

Changed my mind again

I'm not doing the Messiah comic anymore. I prefer the novel that I wrote 2 chapters of. The idea just isn't suited to the comics medium. Not to mention it would take me most of the year to finish it. And I am desperate to finish something soon. I've decided to go back to plays. I came up with a few ideas and I managed 3 pages of my Venomous play. It's a good start. I could finish it within a few weeks if I write every day. Which I'm hoping to do.

Then I can tackle the other 5 ideas that I have. I could finish quite a lot of plays by the end of the year and somehow make up for my indecisiveness at the start and middle. I probably won't hear back about them until early next year since it takes four months for the theaters to respond. Hopefully, at least one will be accepted and I can use that as a confidence boaster and maybe tackle the other mediums that I have been attempting this year (Novels, comics etc.) And hopefully with the confidence behind me I can finish them too.

Fingers crossed. Because I know something will go wrong.

Exhausting too

Public Enemy isn't just hard work. I find it very exhausting too. I feel mentally drained. And I'm only on page 11. Arghhh!! I managed 6 pages yesterday, and I'm on course for another six pages today. With two already done. I'm hoping maybe from Monday onwards I can do 8 pages a day again. But like I said, it's very hard work, and very exhausting to do.

I can't wait to go back to writing plays. They were so much easier.

Extract from Killing Jake Play

This is my finished detective play: Killing Jake. It stars my other favourite character Prodigy (Amy Anderson). To give you some background. It's the Year 2044. Prodigy is a broke, and out of luck detective with a Coke problem. And throughout the 55 page play she has to solve a great conspiracy involving Mutants, Androids and bankrupt corporations. And it all starts with a lost dog.

Here's Scene 1.

ACT I

SCENE 1

PRODIGY ENTERS. Curtain/lights are down.

Prodigy's a young, beautiful english rose. She's around twenty-two years old, and has shoulder length pitch-black hair. That has brilliant WHITE STREAKS glazed through it. On the LEFT HAND SIDE of her head, is a little PINK BOW.

PRODIGY
Welcome to the future. Twenty Forty-Four. To be precise. Capital City, England if you want more detail. The future isn't the best place for a young girl like me to grow up in. We have our fair share of crime, and disasters. I guess like anyone else. But what truly separates us from you is the rise of Mutants and Androids. I'm not a mutant myself but I live among them and they treat me as their own. I don't fit in with the Norms as we call them. Mutants emerged from the aftermath of the Nuclear War of Twenty-Twenty-Two. They have bodily deformities that have outcast them from traditional human society. And Androids? They appeared in Twenty-Thirty from Syntax. The leading technology company in the world.
(Pause)
My name is Amy Kathryn Anderson. In case you were wondering. But I prefer to call myself Prodigy. Most of the mutants do. How I got that name? That's beyond the time arc of this particular play. But you'll find out soon enough. When the time is right.

Prodigy EXITS.

AT RISE: WE'RE in Prodigy's quaint little office. There's a wooden desk, with a computer on, and a swivel chair behind it. Two ordinary chairs sit in front. Prodigy is at the window. The blind is half drawn, and she is looking out into the street. THUNDER, LIGHTNING and RAIN sweep across the street. It's not a nice night. Prodigy has a CIGARETTE in one hand, and with the other is peeping through the blind. The window reads - AMY ANDERSON, PRIVATE DETECTIVE.

PRODIGY
Ohhhh...!! Why isn't anyone coming? What am I doing wrong? I desperately need a new case to investigate. I'm running low on funds!
(turning away from window)
I guess I might as well call it a night. No-one's going to show up at this time. It's nearly 11pm.
(Inhales cigarette)
Hmmm.. That's better. Nothing like a good fag to calm me down. It seems to be my only friend these days.
(Crashes into swivel chair behind desk, and places head in hands)
Why did I take up this job?
(inhales more cigarette smoke)
It's all because I got that Sherlock Holmes novel, 'The Hound of Baskerville' for christmas when I was a kid. I knew it. I knew it right there and then that I wanted to be a private detective. But my dad he kept trying to talk me out of it. Maybe I should have listened to him now.
(Leans back, and inhales more smoke)
I need a fix-er-up-er.
(Opens top desk drawer and takes out a piece of wrapped up tin foil and a credit card)
This old thing has expired now. But I still have other uses for it.
(Unwraps foil and sprinkles a bit of the cocaine inside onto the desk, then uses the credit card to dice it into a thin line.)
This always does the trick when I'm feelin' blue.
(Digs into wallet, and pulls out five pound note. Rolls it up into a tube and sniffs the line of coke in one shot.)
Ahhh... That's better.
(Sniffs hard to ensure all the coke has gone up her nose, then rubs it.)
Oooooohh. I feel good all of a sudden. I could dance right now.
(Carries on smoking)

FOOTSTEPS approaching. Prodigy jerked forward in her seat, and waited for the inevitable knock.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

PRODIGY
(Douses out cigarette into tray, and folds her arms.)
Come in.

MRS. WARNER ENTERS looking rather distraught. She shakes off the rain from her UMBRELLA, and steps to Prodigy. Mrs. Warner is an elderly lady in her late fifties, with wrinkled skin, and thick sloshes of make up on her. She was wearing a pretty little red hat that was perched on top of her head. She looks posh, and fancy.

PRODIGY
(Smiling as cheerily as she could)
Can I help you?

MRS. WARNER
Yes. I've lost my baby. I don't often come to these parts, but my son wanted a toy from around here, and now....
(Sobs)
I've lost my baby!
(Sobs some more)
My husband will be so upset with me if I don't return home with him. I would go to the police, but it seems so trivial for them. I saw your office and wondered if you could help.

PRODIGY
I certainly can. Mrs...?

MRS. WARNER
Mrs. Warner.

PRODIGY
OK. Mrs. Warner. I just need to take down some details. Nothing to complicated. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you.
(Dumps tin foil into top draw, and pulls out a notepad and pen.)
So your name is Mrs. Warner.
(Writes it down.)

MRS. WARNER
(Sits down)
That is correct.

PRODIGY
And where were you last when he ran off?

MRS. WARNER
I was by the old haunted house. Just down the street. I turned my back for a brief second or two, and then he was gone.
(Wipes tears on napkin)
I hope you won't think of me as a lesser person because of it.

PRODIGY
(Writing down details)
No, No. Of Course not. It happens to all of us. Do you have any pictures of him that I could borrow for my search?

MRS. WARNER
All I have is this.
(Pulls of old, crinkled photo)
This is the most recent I have of him.

PRODIGY
(Takes photograph, and frowns.)
It's a DOG.

MRS. WARNER
Yes, Yes. He's my baby. You do pets don't you?

PRODIGY
Yeah. I guess.

MRS. WARNER
Thank you. Thank you. I can pay you quite handsomely if you find him.

PRODIGY
(Perks up in seat)
Really?

MRS. WARNER
Oh yes. We're a very wealthy family. My husband works for that Android company, Syntax.

PRODIGY
(Passes across notepad and pen)
If you could write down your details, that would be most helpful.

MRS. WARNER
(Writes down details)
There you go dear.
(Stands up.)
Call me the moment you find him.

PRODIGY
Will do.

Mrs. Warner takes her Umbrella, and EXITS. Prodigy leaned back in her chair, and lights up another cigarette.

PRODIGY
Damnit! Damnit!
(Thumps fists onto desk)
I thought I had a real case there.
(Breathes in smoke)
Never mind, I guess. A case is a case. Money is money. I hope I can make a lot for this. I don't particularly want to drag my sorry ass through these soggy streets looking for some over pampered Dog. But a Job is a Job. It all helps in the end.
(Stands up, and takes several puffs of cigarette before distinguishing it in the ash tray.)

Prodigy EXITS. END SCENE 1. (BLACKOUT)

This is the play that I got that compliment for. Doesn't seem that good now. What was I thinking!? I sent it off to the Soho Theatre a few weeks ago for a free script feedback. They'll probably just write back with CRAP written across it. :-(