An update

I haven't posted for a few days. I just couldn't be bothered. But things are going well. I've had good sleeps and good writing sessions since my last post. I also have a new social worker called Gavin Palmer. He's a little direct. He wants me to have a more fulfilling life than I have now. Which I suppose is a good thing. But I guess I like my life. It's not perfect. I hardly ever go outside. I don't have any friends. Never had a girlfriend. But I do enjoy myself. Admittedly, I get depressed at times. And wish I was dead. But that only happens when my writing goes bad. I'm still hoping that my writing pays off and success and fortune comes my way. Then maybe I'll consider going out more etc.

I feel everything that normal people have will follow once I get successful. That's how I envision it in my head. Gavin's a nice bloke. But I worry about the what he'll try and get me to do. I don't know if I even want to go out. Not at the moment. I'm quite contended. I know he can't force me. So I am always in control. But I succumb to nagging. If he nags me enough then I will probably do what he wants. And that scares me. I suffer from anxiety alot. So it's going to be tough going from now. I just hope I can pull through.

As I mentioned, Fade To Black play is going quite well. I'm up to 33 pages. I'm worried about the dialogue. It seems a bit weak. I don't know if it fits Jodie's character or not. I do struggle with dialogue. I should probably read that book I brought on it. But I haven't as of yet. I don't know if it's going to be performed/published or not. I hope it is. The year is nearly at an end and I have only finished 1 play which was Killing In The Name. That got rejected because it was crap. I'm still worried someone will steal the name Jodie Summers. I need desperately to get something else finished and hopefully published or performed. But I don't know if Fade To Black is the one to make it happen. I enjoy writing it and everything but I'm worried it's crap. I fear it is crap. Am I a terrible writer? Am I a hack? Will I ever get published? Successful?

My whole life depends on it. I can't stand this lack of success anymore. I WANT TO BE PUBLISHED!!

The Last Words Of Dutch Schultz

I have very much enjoyed this book. I found highly entertaining and quirky. I hope to start my own closet screenplay sometime tonight. I am going to do Fade To Black. I have definably decided on that. I hope to mold genres into a spy type narrative all written in a poetic/arty screenplay format.

I know I say that. But I don't know for sure if it's going to work. I won't know until I try so I'll post about how it went. I've been having lots of fantasies about it today. I imagine it to be hugely popular and start a sort of literature revolution. It sounds silly, but I was really involved in it. I hope I can write good. I know I can. I just haven't been living up to my standards that I know I am capable of. I seem to start well then descend into utter crap. This has to be different. This screenplay may be my only chance of getting published this year. Or even finishing something this year other than my Killing In The Name play.

The arty thing is going to be difficult. I will try to inject some quirky/bizarre scenes into it like William Borroughs did with The Last Words. I will also make the dialogue and descriptions poetic as I can. And sort of a mixture of long and short jagged sentences. That hopefully rhyme. I will have The Last words by my side as I write and try to borrow as much as I can from it without ripping it off.

Please. Please, God. Make it work for me.

Killing In The Name Rejected

My short detective play Killing In The Name was rejected. I received an email from the 503 Theatre stating that they weren't interested in taking it further. I received it back but didn't get any feedback about why they rejected it. I was kind of hoping they would provide something but nevermind.

Here's the email I received;

To Ian,
Thanks for sending your play through to us at Theatre503.

The piece has now been looked at by a number of people on our reading panel and it has been decided that this is not a project that we wish to pursue at the theatre.

We wish you all the best with the piece. It will be posted back to you in the next few days.

Yours Sincerely,

Steve Harper (Literary Co-Ordinator)

That leaves me with NOTHING to hold out for. KITN was my only hope of success this year. It's the only thing I've managed to finish. 2008 is proving to worse than last year. I had two comics completed by this time. Even though they were utter shit. I had at least completed two things. I've only completed a short play so far. And it doesn't look like I'll be completing anything else either.

I keep changing my mind about what I want to write. I move from Comics, Plays, Novels, Radio and game books. I just can't focus! I can't stick at anything! It's driving me crazy!! How am I supposed to get published if I don't finish anything? I won't. That's the simple answer. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I admit that Killing In The Name was a shitty play. I kept re-reading it over the course of these past few months since I sent it off and I realized how crap it is. I knew it would get rejected so it came really as no surprise. But I was holding out for it. A little piece of me wanted it to succeed because as the way things have gone this it; it was my only hope of success. But that's been well and truly dashed.

I hope I can do this arty/poetic closet screenplay thing. I'm concerned it'll be crap. It won't get published. Or worse yet, I give up on it before it's finished.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I used to be able to finish stuff. When I used to write screenplays between 2001-2005. I wrote for 8 hours a day. Doing 40 odd pages. I finished quite a few but they're all crap. I came close with Fade To Black. (The old version) I was told by PFD agency that he didn't feel enough to take me on. But said it was very good. That was back in September 2005. I then went on to novels. For some reason. I was terrible at novels. That's when my problems started. If I would have stuck with screenplays I might have sold something.

I was getting better all the time. But I had a desire to write novels and moved onto them till 2007 when I went onto comics. Which I also failed at. Then onto plays. Which I enjoy and came close with with Killing Jake. If only I could go back in time and tell myself not to bother with comics and novels and stick with Plays and Screenplays I could've got somewhere.

Or maybe not. I guess I'll never know for sure.

An update

I couldn't think of the necessary dialogue for my Venomous play so I abandoned it. I went through a period of not knowing what to write as well as going back to other projects like Messiah Comic, attempted another Game book and tried writing some radio plays. Nothing worked out. I became really frustrated. But I'm going back to plays (AGAIN!)

I'll attempt my Messiah play or Fade To Black play. Either one is good. I'll see how it goes but I have a bad feeling things will go horribly wrong. I still haven't heard back about my Killing In The Name play. I don't know whether it's good news or bad news. It could be that it's gone for a second reading higher up the chain. Or maybe not.

In completely unrelated news. I got a new computer desk and filing cabinet for FREE! My dad's work was moving to a different location and they didn't need their office furniture anymore so my dad managed to secure a new desk and filing cabinet for me. Which is cool. Getting anything for free these days is a good thing.

Anyway. Bye.

An update and writing Messiah Comic

It's been awhile hasn't it? Over 3 months since I last wrote an entry. Sorry. Nobody cares anyway. I just couldn't be bothered anymore. Things weren't going well for me. The Public Enemy musical turned out to be a total disaster. I received my Killing Jake play back from the Soho theatre. They thought it had some promise but weren't willing to take it any further. Which to me sounded like a polite way of saying it's crap.

I'm still waiting to hear back about my Killing In The Name play but that'll probably be rejected too. But anyway. I have tried to write just about everything these last 3 months. From comics, plays, novels musicals and even game books! But all turned out to be a disaster. They're all crap. And I just couldn't focus or stick at them more than 10 minutes each day. Which isn't good if you're trying to finish something by the end of the year.

2008 has been worse than last year. I have only finished 1 play this year. Last year around this time, I had two comics finished. Sure they were absolutely terrible. But still. I'm in total despair. I can't wait until the day I die.

I decided to write Messiah as a comic book. I managed 8 pages today which is my best all year. I had already done four pages some weeks ago but gave up on it after I couldn't decide on the story. I must have changed the Messiah story at least a hundred times these past two years. But I've finally settled on something and things went well today. I doubt if it will last. I'll mess up tomorrow and won't write anything.

ARGHHHH!!

Thinking about praise I've received

I was thinking just a few moments ago, after the post about how crap I am. About the praise that I've received for some of my work. I haven't had many. But that's because I've barely finished anything. But I did finish my theatre play Killing Jake.

I sent it off to PFD. And Although it was rejected. I got this nice little compliment. It's not much. But it made me feel good.

I've now read the play and I am afraid that, although I do see that you write well, it's just not to my taste. Obviously, my reaction is purely subjective.

That was from Giles Smart. Although, rejecting my play like that. He doesn't seem that smart. (hehehe). And that's basically it. I definitely need to finish more stuff and get them sent off. Otherwise, I'll never make it as anything.

I have so far this year, finished two plays. Killing Jake (as mentioned) and Killing in the Name. Both of them are short. Between 55-60 pages respectably. And I was hoping to write a longer one. But, ah, never mind.

I'm on my Graphic Novel at the moment. But it's not going well. I find it very painful, and arduous to write. And as mention in the post below. My descriptions seem utterly crap. I need to improve. I need to improve. I need to improve.

Hopefully I will. I've been getting better. That's a positive at least. I mean the first four versions of it were the most crappiest thing you've ever seen. Take my word for it. They were plain shit. But with this fifth draft. I have completely seen an improvement. But I'm afraid it's still not good enough to be published.

I must try harder. I must try harder. I need to improve. I need to improve.