It's hard being talentless

I didn't write yesterday. I was going to do the comic but I got put off. I just couldn't do it. I became horribly depressed and felt like crying. I couldn't decide anymore what type of writer I wanted to be. I didn't know what medium to do. So I spent the night thinking about it and I realized that I wanted to be a playwright and poet. Even though I suck at poetry. I wanted to write, and enjoy it. I wanted to immerse myself in it. Which meant only one thing. I needed to spend more money that I didn't have. Sigh.

I went to Amazon and I searched for classic poetry works. And I brought; Divine Comedy, Beowulf, William Blake collection and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I wanted to buy alot more than that but it would have cost too much. The total was £40. I just hope they can prove useful. The journalist books that I brought were a complete waste of money. £46 gone down the drain. I didn't need them. It was a silly idea. But there's nothing I can do about it. Sigh.

I didn't have a particularly great sleep today. I thought things would go wrong. I knew that my old routine would work for 2 days then go wrong. And I was proven right. It took me till nearly 6 am to fall asleep. I woke up at 8:15 am. I smoked two cigarettes, and took me another couple of hours to fall asleep again. I eventually slept till 5 p.m which I guess makes up for the times it took to fall asleep in the first place. I was worried though my writing would go wrong. I haven't written well in the past 3 days. I would be doing the Fade To Black play. I attempted it before but it has always gone wrong. But thankfully tonight it went OK. I managed 6 pages of it. I would have liked to done more. But I probably won't until I take the Valproate Semi-Sodium increase which won't be for another few days.

I just hope I can finish this play soon and get it sent off. Then pray for it to be accepted. I need it badly. My life is falling apart before my very eyes. I need some luck for once. It's hard being talentless.

Things get a bit better

I only managed 1 page of the screenplay last night. I just wasn't into it. But today I had an pretty amazing sleep. So things appear to be getting better but I won't jump the gun until I write tonight to see how many pages I do. I hope can get back to normal. I went back to my old routine last night. Smoking before bed and eating at 3:14 am. It worked. I slept well. So maybe I'll continue until things go wrong again.

Went back to the comic

I decided to go back to the Fade To Black comic. I managed 8 pages. But that was mostly cuttin' and pastin' stuff from the screenplay. I think it's crap though. I've gone off comics again. Stupid me. I can't stop fantasizing about writing them and when I do I end up going off them for a few days then it repeats. I am truly messed up. Stupid crappy brain. Still though, 8 pages is 8 pages. Regardless of whether I'll be proceeding with the comic or not. It was a welcome break from the screenplay. Even though I won't be writing tomorrow night due to it being the start of the Sabbath.

I've been spending money again. I brought X20 4 CD box set from Suicide Commando. As well as their 2 disc anthology. It cost me £29 in total. Although the box set was RRP £34.99 and the anthology was RRP £12.99. I had the money saved up as left overs from cigarettes and shopping. So it's not like I went too crazy. Although the same thing happened again. I went to Amazon and ended up spending a load of money. I hadn't been for a while. I was trying to save some money. But the moment the page loads up I knew I had to spend, spend, spend. I learned of Suicide Commando from Itunes. I listened to their Axis Of Evil album which I'll be getting for christmas. And I just fell in love with it. So I knew I had to buy something of theirs as soon as possible. I really couldn't wait 2 months for it.

My sleep has been better. I repeated the routine from yesterday; not smoking before bed, having less to eat, and having it sooner. And it seems to be working. I also smoke 2 cigarettes when I wake up no matter how desperate I am for more. Although, my cat Steel went missing for 30 minutes this morning. We just couldn't seem to get him in. We were having a new fence put in and we were worried the noise would scare him. So we wanted Steel inside while they were doing it. But he turned up just gone 9:20 am and I had to smoke 2 more cigarettes to calm myself down. I managed to sleep pretty good after that.

That's my boring day. And that's my boring post for tonight.

Rough few days

I've had a rough few days. I didn't write Sunday. I was put off by my thoughts. I had roughs sleeps as well so that didn't help. I managed 2 pages Monday and 4 pages Tuesday. But my sleep was terrible. Thankfully I've tried to do something different and it seems to work. I didn't smoke before I went to bed. And I had something to eat a little earlier. And that worked today. So I'm happy. My cough has progressed to getting worse. I really ought to quit smoking. But I can't imagine myself without a cigarette. Terrible I know.

The screenplay is now up to 64 pages. But it's going slow. I keep imaging doing other things. Comics, novels, plays etc. My mind is constantly coming up with new ideas that end up putting me off the screenplay. That happened Sunday. I came up with the idea of doing a children's book starring my old teddy bear D.K. Jr. It annoys me. I need to finish something. Something with Jodie Summers in it before someone steals her name. But all I can think about is doing Prodigy. Or doing something other than the screenplay. It's driving me crazy!!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY TWISTED MIND!?

I suck so bad. I really want to finish something this year other than my crappy play Killing In The Name. I've really failed this year. 2008 has been utterly terrible in terms of writing. I just couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to write. And I still can't. It would be foolish to give up on the screenplay now though. I've got so far through it. It's pretty decent I think. Probably not good enough to be published. But I think I could get some decent feedback (if any).

I just hope I can put these thoughts to one side and finish the screenplay. Otherwise I'll be back to square one again.

Sigh.

Having second thoughts

I'm having seconds thoughts about quitting smoking. I've been reading up about it on the internet and it seems a pretty difficult thing to do. I'm not much for difficult things. I always do them half-arsed. I'm worried about the withdrawal symptoms and everything. Now that my infection has mostly cleared up I'm back to normal. My smoking doesn't hurt anymore. I don't cough that often. I still have a stuffy nose but it's manageable. My parents still think I'm going to quit. I should probably tell them about my second thoughts. See what they say. They'll probably be annoyed with me. I do sort-of want to quit. Mostly for money reasons now. I'm down to just £563. I need to save some cash. Desperately.

I managed to save 6 cigarettes by not smoking thursday night. I usually have 8. But I only smoked 2. But then I went and ruined it by smoking 6 friday night. Saving only 2 this time. I am trying to cut down. But it's hard. I get bored easily and end up smoking. Particularly in the afternoon. I was asleep mostly today so I didn't smoke that much. I hope to try and repeat thursday night. And only smoke 2 cigarettes instead of 8. But we'll see.

I had second thoughts about the screenplay today as well. I wrote 5 pages of the comic instead. Although re-reading the screenplay it seems good again. I'm so messed up. I doubt I'll ever finish anything else this year. This was supposed to be MY YEAR. But it's gone so horribly wrong. I keep going off the comic and then going back to it. I still like the idea of it. Even if I find it quite difficult and painful to write. It was OK today. Since I mostly cut and paste stuff from the screenplay and edited it to fit the comic. 

I do like comics. It's just I find them a bit awkward. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I didn't use to. When I first started trying to write comics in January 2007. I really enjoyed them. But since then. It's all gone wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't appear to be doing anything wrong. It's all in the mind I guess.

Throat infection... Might quit smoking

I've got a throat infection. I was coughing badly all day yesterday. I also gained a headache, sore throat, fever and a stuffy nose. It was horrible. I thought I had throat cancer or something. I was getting quite worried. It had cleared up a bit now but the cough is still there. And I'm worried my smoking is making it worse. The doctor said it should clear up by itself. But if it doesn't I'll need some antibiotics. I couldn't sleep at all last night as I was coughing so bad. I didn't dare smoke for fear of making it worse.

This has really frightened me. I see it as a warning of things to come if I continue smoking. So I've decided to try and give up. Or at least cut down on the amount I smoke to just a few a day. It'll be hard. Everyone has told me that. And I need a lot of will power to succeed. But my dad managed to give up smoking and my sister too. So I hope I can do it as well. I don't like coughing. It annoys me. It hurts too. I don't mind the occasional one or two. But the way I've been doing it you'd think I'd been smoking for fifty years! (2 and half actually).

The problem would be finding what to replace it with. I smoke at set times throughout the day. And it'll be hard to break the habit. I fear I won't succeed. Or I'll do what I am currently doing right now; Being half-arsed about it. I do enjoy smoking don't get me wrong. I love it. Or at least I think I do. It does bring me some joy. And it helps ease my anger and calms me down when I'm high. But I don't want to be those types of people that can't stop coughing. I dread that. So I have no other choice. I could save £200 a month too. Which would really help me out as my money is getting low again.

I'll wait for this information pack from the NHS to arrive and take things from there. Despite my illness I managed 4 pages yesterday and 4 pages today. Which isn't bad considering how ill I was. So I should be pleased. It's starting to come along nicely. I just hope I can finish it. And get it published! I AM SO DESPERATE!!

Fingers crossed.