Everything came together

Everything came together today. I had an excellent sleep. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play. It's going well so far I think. But I don't really know what's good or bad. My books arrived. And so did my X20 box set. I've been listening to the remix CD so far. And I absolutely love it. Some top class tracks. I can't wait to listen to the rest. I'm really getting into Suicide Commando. 

I managed 3 pages yesterday of my play. It went rather good too. I felt quite proud of myself. My sleep wasn't good but it was manageable. I might not smoke when I first wake up as that ruins my sleep. I didn't today and I slept till 11:30 am. Which was brilliant! I just hope it can continue. I just hope I can finish my play. I had some doubt yesterday about it. I had a reoccurrence of the comic fantasy and I was tempted to write that today but it's gone now. I think play writing is for me. I would love to do poetry too. But I don't know whether I have the talent for it. It'll be really, really hard. If I can get Fade To Black published then it should give me a much needed confidence boast to tackle poetry. I can't yet as I am desperate to get something finished and published. Poetry would be too hard to do now. And I'm running out of time. Someone could still steal Jodie Summers.

Please, God. Let something go right for me.

Thank you.

It's hard being talentless

I didn't write yesterday. I was going to do the comic but I got put off. I just couldn't do it. I became horribly depressed and felt like crying. I couldn't decide anymore what type of writer I wanted to be. I didn't know what medium to do. So I spent the night thinking about it and I realized that I wanted to be a playwright and poet. Even though I suck at poetry. I wanted to write, and enjoy it. I wanted to immerse myself in it. Which meant only one thing. I needed to spend more money that I didn't have. Sigh.

I went to Amazon and I searched for classic poetry works. And I brought; Divine Comedy, Beowulf, William Blake collection and The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I wanted to buy alot more than that but it would have cost too much. The total was £40. I just hope they can prove useful. The journalist books that I brought were a complete waste of money. £46 gone down the drain. I didn't need them. It was a silly idea. But there's nothing I can do about it. Sigh.

I didn't have a particularly great sleep today. I thought things would go wrong. I knew that my old routine would work for 2 days then go wrong. And I was proven right. It took me till nearly 6 am to fall asleep. I woke up at 8:15 am. I smoked two cigarettes, and took me another couple of hours to fall asleep again. I eventually slept till 5 p.m which I guess makes up for the times it took to fall asleep in the first place. I was worried though my writing would go wrong. I haven't written well in the past 3 days. I would be doing the Fade To Black play. I attempted it before but it has always gone wrong. But thankfully tonight it went OK. I managed 6 pages of it. I would have liked to done more. But I probably won't until I take the Valproate Semi-Sodium increase which won't be for another few days.

I just hope I can finish this play soon and get it sent off. Then pray for it to be accepted. I need it badly. My life is falling apart before my very eyes. I need some luck for once. It's hard being talentless.

Terrible writing

I only managed 2 pages. My heart really wasn't in it. I don't know what I'm going to do. 

:-(

I took this little test. Now I'm depressed.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Things get a bit better

I only managed 1 page of the screenplay last night. I just wasn't into it. But today I had an pretty amazing sleep. So things appear to be getting better but I won't jump the gun until I write tonight to see how many pages I do. I hope can get back to normal. I went back to my old routine last night. Smoking before bed and eating at 3:14 am. It worked. I slept well. So maybe I'll continue until things go wrong again.

The post for today

My mood stabilizers (Valproate Semi-Sodium) have been increased to 750 mg. I am delighted. Maybe I'll be able to concentrate for longer periods. Maybe even sleep better (But I doubt it.) They're been good so far but I always thought that I needed more of them. The recommended dosage is 1000 to 2000 mg a day. So I'm miles away from that. But with any luck they'll continue to help me control my mood swings and help me concentrate better allowing me to write better. But I won't know until I take the increased dosage which won't be for a few days yet.

My Suicide Commando 2 CD Anthology came today. It's brilliant! I love it to bits! Some top tracks of there and I would recommend it to anyone reading. (Which isn't many) My favourites include; Desire, Hell-raiser, Better off Dead. I've been listening to it all day from 9:30 am. I can't wait for the X20 box set to arrive. That'll be amazing too! Then there's Christmas which I'll get more of their albums. I'll be checking Itunes to see what other Industrial bands are available for me to listen to and buy. Although I probably won't be to spend too much anymore. I've been SPENDING again.

I had this idea for a journalist type fiction book. A story told through fictional news reports and feature articles etc. It seemed good last night. So I went to Amazon looking for books on writing non-fiction, journalism etc and I ended up spending £46! I brought two very expensive books but highly professional ones though. They were £20.99 and £21.99. I got; Introduction to Journalism, and Writing Feature Articles. I hope they're good after costing that much. I hope to read them throughly before I start writing. I usually skim through books like this. Then I write what I think the book is telling me and it always goes wrong. So I really have to sit down and read through it.

Sleep disaster!

I haven't slept much today. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know what went wrong. I had to take another sleeping pill at 10 am to fall asleep. I only managed 5 and half hours. This new 'pattern' of mine isn't working. I may go back to my old routine to see if that works. My sleeping is so messed up at the moment since I got that throat infection. I don't know what I'm going to do if that doesn't work. I'll have to maybe get some new sleeping pills. If there are any new ones other than Zolpidem. I like sleeping. It makes me happy. I like the weird dreams I have. They make me happy. I can't keep taking two sleeping pills a day!

Fingers crossed for tonight.

Went back to the comic

I decided to go back to the Fade To Black comic. I managed 8 pages. But that was mostly cuttin' and pastin' stuff from the screenplay. I think it's crap though. I've gone off comics again. Stupid me. I can't stop fantasizing about writing them and when I do I end up going off them for a few days then it repeats. I am truly messed up. Stupid crappy brain. Still though, 8 pages is 8 pages. Regardless of whether I'll be proceeding with the comic or not. It was a welcome break from the screenplay. Even though I won't be writing tomorrow night due to it being the start of the Sabbath.

I've been spending money again. I brought X20 4 CD box set from Suicide Commando. As well as their 2 disc anthology. It cost me £29 in total. Although the box set was RRP £34.99 and the anthology was RRP £12.99. I had the money saved up as left overs from cigarettes and shopping. So it's not like I went too crazy. Although the same thing happened again. I went to Amazon and ended up spending a load of money. I hadn't been for a while. I was trying to save some money. But the moment the page loads up I knew I had to spend, spend, spend. I learned of Suicide Commando from Itunes. I listened to their Axis Of Evil album which I'll be getting for christmas. And I just fell in love with it. So I knew I had to buy something of theirs as soon as possible. I really couldn't wait 2 months for it.

My sleep has been better. I repeated the routine from yesterday; not smoking before bed, having less to eat, and having it sooner. And it seems to be working. I also smoke 2 cigarettes when I wake up no matter how desperate I am for more. Although, my cat Steel went missing for 30 minutes this morning. We just couldn't seem to get him in. We were having a new fence put in and we were worried the noise would scare him. So we wanted Steel inside while they were doing it. But he turned up just gone 9:20 am and I had to smoke 2 more cigarettes to calm myself down. I managed to sleep pretty good after that.

That's my boring day. And that's my boring post for tonight.

Rough few days

I've had a rough few days. I didn't write Sunday. I was put off by my thoughts. I had roughs sleeps as well so that didn't help. I managed 2 pages Monday and 4 pages Tuesday. But my sleep was terrible. Thankfully I've tried to do something different and it seems to work. I didn't smoke before I went to bed. And I had something to eat a little earlier. And that worked today. So I'm happy. My cough has progressed to getting worse. I really ought to quit smoking. But I can't imagine myself without a cigarette. Terrible I know.

The screenplay is now up to 64 pages. But it's going slow. I keep imaging doing other things. Comics, novels, plays etc. My mind is constantly coming up with new ideas that end up putting me off the screenplay. That happened Sunday. I came up with the idea of doing a children's book starring my old teddy bear D.K. Jr. It annoys me. I need to finish something. Something with Jodie Summers in it before someone steals her name. But all I can think about is doing Prodigy. Or doing something other than the screenplay. It's driving me crazy!!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY TWISTED MIND!?

I suck so bad. I really want to finish something this year other than my crappy play Killing In The Name. I've really failed this year. 2008 has been utterly terrible in terms of writing. I just couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to write. And I still can't. It would be foolish to give up on the screenplay now though. I've got so far through it. It's pretty decent I think. Probably not good enough to be published. But I think I could get some decent feedback (if any).

I just hope I can put these thoughts to one side and finish the screenplay. Otherwise I'll be back to square one again.

Sigh.

Having second thoughts

I'm having seconds thoughts about quitting smoking. I've been reading up about it on the internet and it seems a pretty difficult thing to do. I'm not much for difficult things. I always do them half-arsed. I'm worried about the withdrawal symptoms and everything. Now that my infection has mostly cleared up I'm back to normal. My smoking doesn't hurt anymore. I don't cough that often. I still have a stuffy nose but it's manageable. My parents still think I'm going to quit. I should probably tell them about my second thoughts. See what they say. They'll probably be annoyed with me. I do sort-of want to quit. Mostly for money reasons now. I'm down to just £563. I need to save some cash. Desperately.

I managed to save 6 cigarettes by not smoking thursday night. I usually have 8. But I only smoked 2. But then I went and ruined it by smoking 6 friday night. Saving only 2 this time. I am trying to cut down. But it's hard. I get bored easily and end up smoking. Particularly in the afternoon. I was asleep mostly today so I didn't smoke that much. I hope to try and repeat thursday night. And only smoke 2 cigarettes instead of 8. But we'll see.

I had second thoughts about the screenplay today as well. I wrote 5 pages of the comic instead. Although re-reading the screenplay it seems good again. I'm so messed up. I doubt I'll ever finish anything else this year. This was supposed to be MY YEAR. But it's gone so horribly wrong. I keep going off the comic and then going back to it. I still like the idea of it. Even if I find it quite difficult and painful to write. It was OK today. Since I mostly cut and paste stuff from the screenplay and edited it to fit the comic. 

I do like comics. It's just I find them a bit awkward. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I didn't use to. When I first started trying to write comics in January 2007. I really enjoyed them. But since then. It's all gone wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't appear to be doing anything wrong. It's all in the mind I guess.

Throat infection... Might quit smoking

I've got a throat infection. I was coughing badly all day yesterday. I also gained a headache, sore throat, fever and a stuffy nose. It was horrible. I thought I had throat cancer or something. I was getting quite worried. It had cleared up a bit now but the cough is still there. And I'm worried my smoking is making it worse. The doctor said it should clear up by itself. But if it doesn't I'll need some antibiotics. I couldn't sleep at all last night as I was coughing so bad. I didn't dare smoke for fear of making it worse.

This has really frightened me. I see it as a warning of things to come if I continue smoking. So I've decided to try and give up. Or at least cut down on the amount I smoke to just a few a day. It'll be hard. Everyone has told me that. And I need a lot of will power to succeed. But my dad managed to give up smoking and my sister too. So I hope I can do it as well. I don't like coughing. It annoys me. It hurts too. I don't mind the occasional one or two. But the way I've been doing it you'd think I'd been smoking for fifty years! (2 and half actually).

The problem would be finding what to replace it with. I smoke at set times throughout the day. And it'll be hard to break the habit. I fear I won't succeed. Or I'll do what I am currently doing right now; Being half-arsed about it. I do enjoy smoking don't get me wrong. I love it. Or at least I think I do. It does bring me some joy. And it helps ease my anger and calms me down when I'm high. But I don't want to be those types of people that can't stop coughing. I dread that. So I have no other choice. I could save £200 a month too. Which would really help me out as my money is getting low again.

I'll wait for this information pack from the NHS to arrive and take things from there. Despite my illness I managed 4 pages yesterday and 4 pages today. Which isn't bad considering how ill I was. So I should be pleased. It's starting to come along nicely. I just hope I can finish it. And get it published! I AM SO DESPERATE!!

Fingers crossed.

Things have gone better.... (Thankfully)

Since my last post things have gone better. I have had good sleeps, and managed to get my writing back on track. I tried doing the Fade To Black comic on Monday and managed 6 pages of it. But it was mostly copying and pasting stuff from the screenplay. I was having some good fantasies about comics and they featured in my dreams. I'm easily swayed by things like that. But after doing it I knew that it wasn't for me. Although, I would still like to write one someday just now at this present time. I find them too awkward. And hard. I feel so frustrated having to break every movement into separate panels. It annoys me. Not to mention it takes me ages to write one.

I stuck with the screenplay yesterday. And managed 4 pages. I brought the total up to 48 pages. It wasn't as much as I would have liked but it was one better than Sunday. I just wish I could write more though. It could take me months to finish. If I ever finish at all. I was a bit distracted by my fantasies again yesterday admittedly. I hope to do more tonight though. Hopefully. I just don't know with me. I'll need to find more time to write. A increased dosage of my mood stabilizers pills would be helpful. But I don't know when that will happen. I'm supposed to be on a starting dose. So I assume the doctor will increase them at some point. Hopefully soon. I really need them. I couldn't have got this far without them.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I know something will go wrong again.

I was right...

Things went wrong. I didn't write Friday night due to it being the Sabbath start. So it was a welcome break. Then it all went horribly wrong Saturday. I woke up at 9:30 am with tightness in my chest. I decided to smoke. And drank a load of coke. In a matter of minutes I was being sick in the bin. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. 

I tried writing at 8:30 p.m. as normal but I was distracted by my thoughts. I just couldn't do it. I feared this would happen. The problems I had before I had these mood stabilizers returned. I was feeling pretty bad. The day had been utterly terrible. I knew this would happen. I knew this good spell would come to an end. Things never last with me. Something always goes wrong in the end. I just never have any good luck.

Sunday (Today) was better though. I slept till 12 p.m. then again till 4:30 p.m. And I managed to write 3 pages. The total page count is now 44 pages. I almost gave up on the screenplay again! I was thinking of doing it as a comic. I had some good thoughts about it. But When I tried to write it. I just couldn't be bothered. So I went back to the screenplay. I think it's really good. It seems OK to me. It looks nice on the screen. But that means nothing.

I do like it alot. I can't seem to do comics anymore. I've lost the nack for them. I would like to write a comic. I think it could be really good. I visualize it in my head well. But whenever I try to write them. It just doesn't seem that good. I don't know what it is about them. They are a bit awkward to do. I prefer when things flow from one paragraph to another. So I'll stick with the screenplay and (hopefully) I'll get it finished soon.

I did have thoughts of doing it as a radio drama which helped put me off yesterday. But I just don't think it will work when thinking about it logically. But it was a nice thought. I just hope Saturday was a one-off and things will go smoothly from now on.

But I doubt it.

Major headache

I have a major headache. It feels like someone is drilling inside my head. It didn't stop me sleeping though. I thought it might. But I had 12 hours sleep. Which is my personal best for many weeks. It also didn't stop me writing. I rewrote 8 pages yesterday and 6 today. The total page count has extended to 33 pages. So I've added 2 new pages each day with every rewrite. Not bad, eh? It's going rather well. If I do say so myself. I'm worried though something will go wrong. It always does with me. Nothing EVER goes right.

I'm worried I won't sleep or write tomorrow. I'm worried I'll give up on my novel-cum-screenplay or it won't be published. Something. I still have a long way to go before it's finished so plenty can go wrong in that time. I hope not. I feel better since I got these mood stabilizers. I haven't had hardly any 'high' periods. Although I do miss them. They were great. I felt so alive! But they kept me up all night and ruined my sleep pattern. Although it's already pretty messed up anyway. But a good sleep is a good sleep despite my thumping headache. I hope this good spell can continue.

But it won't. I just know it.

7 pages done

I managed to rewrite 7 pages tonight. Not as good as the 9 yesterday. But it's the best I've done nearly all year. I was more anxious and nervous than usual. I don't know why. I feel it's pretty decent so far. But I'm still unsure if it'll be published. I'm doing well. I've extended the overall total to 27 pages. Which is good. I may actually finish it. I may actually finish something with Jodie in it. It'll be a first. I just hope this good writing spell can continue.

Fingers crossed.

Going well...

Today went well. I think I rewrote 9 of the 23 pages. I managed to concentrate for 40 minutes. I could have gone on longer but I wanted to smoke. I'm quite pleased with what I've written so far. I think it MIGHT just be publishable. But I guess I'll see when it's all finished. I wrote in more detail. Using more powerful verbs to describe things. Like any good writer will tell you. I'm happy.

The only downside I didn't sleep well. I slept till 9:30 am then couldn't sleep until gone 11 am and managed to doze off till 3 pm. Not what I'm used too. I thought my sleep pattern had returned too, or starting too return to normal. But that wasn't the case today. So that's my disappointment. Other than my usual thing of not reading the bible long enough. I'll probably do it next Friday evening AFTER I've taken my mood stabilizer. I seem to concentrate better after I've taken it.

It was the Sabbath today. Friday sunset to Saturday Sunset. That's what I read on some christian site I go to. That's the REAL SABBATH the way God intended. But I won't get into any detail about that since I'm quite stupid. And I'm not good at explaining things properly when it comes to matters like that.

I just hope this good spell can continue long enough for me to finish the Fade To Black screenplay.

They might be working

I think these mood stabilizers are working. I managed to write 4 pages of my Fade To Black play last night. It wasn't particularly awe inspiring. But my mind didn't wander at all. I was completely focused. No fantasies or other thoughts getting in my way. It was like heaven. I've been waiting for that for months, and months on end. WHY DIDN'T I GET THEM SOONER?

I have no idea. But I am thankful I have them now. I've abandoned the play and radio play and the comic and guess what? That's right. I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore. But I'm going back to the screenplay version. I am quite confident about it. I didn't write in enough detail the first time round. I will strip the poetic descriptions from it and re-write all 23 pages from scratch. It'll take me a while. But if I can concentrate as well as I think then it should be a breeze.

But we'll see.

Got some mood stabilizers

My hospital appointment today went quite well. I had a nice doctor and he didn't ask too many complicated questions (I'm stupid) and I could understand him clearly and everything. I wrote down some stuff about how I was feeling and he seemed to pay attention. So it went quite well. He prescribed me some mood stabilizers to help control my manic episodes. I seemed to be on record now as being bipolar which I am thankful about. I've finally been recognized.

The medication is Depakote (valproate semi-sodium) I'm on a starting dose of 500 mg but he hopes to increase it over the next few weeks/months. I just hope it freaking works! I don't know whether or not it'll help with my concentration or not. So I'll have to see how it works out. I had a terrible writing session yesterday I could barely write 1 word. I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept wandering to other things. It was fucking awful. I don't want a repeat of that anymore otherwise I'll get NOTHING finished EVER!

I managed 1 page of my radio drama today. At around 10 am. I couldn't really do anymore as I couldn't concentrate properly. Besides, I was nervous about my hospital appointment and how it would pan out. As it happened, it went well. But I didn't know that at the time. My sleep has been really awful lately too. I think it's because I went to bed at gone 5 am last Wednesday night and it's mucked up my sleeping pattern. I had good sleeps Thursday, friday but not Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was OK but it was a bit awkward to begin with. Today's was flat out terrible. I woke up at 8 am and didn't sleep again until 11 am. I only slept till 1 p.m. I hope it was just because I was nervous. I don't want a repeat of that.

I'm not sure if I want to do the radio drama anymore. I don't think it's working as well as I hoped. I struggled a bit today with it. I might do a mixture of plays snippets and poetry. I had an idea about it last night. It seemed good in my fantasies. I'll see how it goes over the next few days. There's the possibility I'll go back to the comic too. But I'll just have to see how my concentration and everything pans out.

I've done OK with this post. I managed to write it without losing my focus. If that's a sign of things to come then I can't wait!

YAY!